Age 17

 I don't often think of when I was 17... In fact, if I did take the time to think about it... I would probably say that I was pretty carefree, more responsible than most, and proud of who I was and spent my time around.

However, when I *DO* think of the age of 17, I think of my youngest brother, Nick, because that is the age he was when our mother died...

This is also the age my youngest son, Sam, is now...I simply can't imagine not being here for him. 

It honestly makes me weep if I think about it.

My mother's death was sudden - a car crash on icy roads.  I fully understand there is never a "good" time to die - to leave your children... but to me, age 17 is not it. 

At age 17, you are no longer a child, but you are also not an adult.  There is still SO much you have to learn about life and love and family.

At age 17, your biggest concerns should be college visits, school dances, and Friday night football games... Not burying your mother. Not carrying the burden of her death. Not being alone.

...I jokingly tell my children that I'm going to live to be 105 because by that time they will be ready for me to go... that and because it's not 17.

The howl

The howl of immense pain.
The howl of great loss.
Once that howl of sorrow has emitted from your body, you recognize it in others immediately... even if you don't know the details, you know the cause.
Loss.
Loss of a loved one.
Loss that despite the howling sorrowful tears, they will not be coming back...
But at the time, you can't think of that... all you can do is howl like a savage animal that's crying out into the night.

I heard that howl today.
It stopped me in my tracks.
I almost didn't go towards the source because... I already knew.

But being someone who has had that sound come out of me before, I couldn't turn a deaf ear and run... Despite desperately wanting to.

So... I turned the corner to find my friend, C.  Her granddaughter is due this week... and I knew.
Without words, I knew the howl of loss.

I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her and hugged. A hug so tight I thought I would crush her... and she sobbed. Such powerful, forceful sobs that I knew if I let go, she would fall to the ground.

In between the uncontrollable shaking and howls, she breathed out, "No heartbeat. Why? Why?? I don't even know what I will say to my son and his wife."

I continued to hold her and tell her that there are no words.  She will go and be a mom, and hold and hug her child like no one but your mom can.

My heart breaks for her... Not only for her loss, but because she too will hear the howl and know it's meaning from now on.

A hard nut to crack

Because I'm not in the regular classroom any more, I am given students that "check-in" with me at the beginning of the day to start them off right and then they come back at the end to tell me how their day went.

I have 2 girls that come and see me.  They are basically complete opposites of each other, one is friendly, yet doesn't take care of herself physically.  The other is a perfectionist... she is hard nosed, has guarded emotions and tries not to show any emotion. However, my strategy has been the same for the both of them.

Every day, I welcome them with a smile, give them a hug, and then before I send them on their way, I say, "I love you. Have a great day!  I'll see you later."  (Honestly, the same things I tell my boys before I leave them in the morning.)

Normally, I get back "K. See you later."

I get it... They may not hear this at home.  They may be embarrassed to say it in return...

But, today, after being out of school for a week due to snow...
Today, I before I could say it to my stubborn, hard nosed little one, she said, "I love you! Have a great day!"

I caught the lump in my throat long enough to say, "I love you too!"

Yep.  Today was a successful day.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.

This quote just oozes into me...

Any time I wanted my students to know that they were REALLY in trouble, I whispered. (You're MUCH scarier when you whisper.)

Any time I wanted them to know it was something SO important I didn't want the whole world to know, I whispered. (I'm a loud talker by nature.)

Any time their tiny heart broke mine due to things beyond their control, I whispered. (Because I knew that loud voice of mine would crack with emotion if I didn't, but I still wanted them to know how much I cared.)

Yes... Those whispered words... they speak volumes.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

My chapter as a classroom teacher is closing.
Tomorrow will be my last day that I hold that title.
Part of me thought that I would retire with that title...

I'm sure I will eventually be able to honestly say that I'm happy about this change...
But today is not that day.

Today... today, I am overwhelmingly sad.

My room is bare - no more whimsical frogs.
All of the drawing and letters and pictures from kids accumulated from the past 8 years have been taken down.

Even with my room getting emptier and emptier by the day, it really didn't hit me that I was done until they called a third grade level meeting today... and I wasn't invited.

Then, Jennie (my student teacher -  who is taking my place) had her mom come by to show her the room.  Her mom started crying because she was just SO happy.

After Jennie introduced her mom to our students, one of my little girls, K, came up to me and said, "It was really nice that Miss S's mom came to meet us."
I smiled and nodded and said, "It was. Wasn't it?"
She then looked questioningly at me and asked, "Then why has your mom never came to meet us?"

It was innocent enough, but I still had to pause and swallow hard to be able to answer. "Because she is in heaven... I know if she were here though, she would have love getting to know you guys."

Man.  If this wasn't hard enough.
That buried thought was immediately brought to the surface.
I turned... to give myself time. To allow the tears to blink back to where they belong.  To catch my breath so I wouldn't drown in the emotions that wanted to overtake me.

Today, I am overwhelmingly sad.
Tomorrow, I can already tell you... I will be a complete and utter mess.

After that??...
Well,  I know that new things can't start until other things end... So here's to this beginning's end.

Great leaders don't set out to be a leader...they set out to make a difference

My principal told me in a meeting today that she is resigning due to health issues.

To say I lost it, would be an understatement.

When she first came... I sat doe-eyed assessing every move and every word she spoke.  I had dealt with administrators before that came in both guns blazing... but she didn't. She came with a sweet voice and a soft smile.

She offers hugs instead of handshakes.

She can assess people and then just know which words of wisdom you need to hear.

After one of the first meetings I had with her, she asked me if I ever planned to go into administration.  I think I actually laughed and told her no.

Then you said these words to me, "Why not, Dawn?  You are such a natural born leader."

I honestly think she was the first person to ever say something like this to me.  It actually took me back.  I left thinking, "She doesn't know me... that's why she thinks that."  but it changed something inside me that day.

Ever since that day, I couldn't help but think that's what she thought of me... and that I needed to uphold that image.

She planted a seed in me, and I'm just overly sad that she won't get to see it grow as I take on a new role that she helped to develop.  

She is truly a great friend and leader and I will miss her more than she will know!!

You can't put toothpaste back in the tube

Ever since the Random Act of Kindness, I have been in a weird funk.

It was like emotions that I had bottled up had been knocked loose... and now I can't catch them and successfully push them all back in, like too much toothpaste that has been squeezed out.

I know these emotions are because of the uncertainties in my life.
I don't like uncertainties.

You see... I will no longer be teaching third grade next year.
I keep saying it, because I honestly am trying to convince myself that it is true.
I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself.
I'm so VERY proud to be a teacher.
I know I will still be a teacher... it just won't be the same and I am finding myself relishing in each thing that I know will be my "last"... and fighting back the tears.


Todd has been great.
He keeps telling me how wonderful this new position is and how they picked ME for a reason... because they knew I had the mind-set and the out-of-the-box thinking that is needed.  That I shouldn't be scared and to keep moving forward.

My student teacher has also been great.
To start off, she seriously got mad at me when I told her I was leaving the classroom.  I know that doesn't sound like it would be helping, but it affirmed that *I* really was making a difference where I was at.
It also showed me that I could make a difference on a bigger scale.

It has made the twinge of pain just slightly less when my principal told me today that she was going to hire my student teacher to take my position.

I don't know why... but knowing it will be her makes this transition easier... Maybe because I know she will let me come visit any time... and I know my partner in crime, SD, will be treated well.

Anyhow, if you see me anytime soon and my eyes are red and puffy... Let's just say it's because of allergies, okay?

The damp and dreariness of the weather is a perfect example of how I'm feeling without you here

Today was one of those days that you plan for, but don't look forward to.

My girls and I do our annual ornament exchange.  This used to include four of us... now it is down to three.

The lost of Kel still stings our eyes with tears and aches our hearts with pain.  Two years in passing and it still doesn't feel real.

I couldn't speak out the words I wanted to tell Kel today because it would have came out in a cracked voice and it would have been by no means eloquent.

But what I wanted to tell her is that it sucks that a gravestone gets ordained with the ornaments meant for her.  That no one I ever knew could pull off a cute outfit quite the way she did (even though I tried today)  ...That our annual ornament exchange will forever be a place of pain in my life.

I love and miss you Kel!

Eyes are the window to your soul - RIP Robin Williams

I don't normally get caught up in the world of celebrities...  I feel bad for their families, but I don't have a heartfelt connection to them.

Robin Williams was different for me.
Mork and Mindy was one of the first tv shows I remember watching.
I watched it religiously.
I'm not sure I really understood the plot line at the time (I was 7 when the show ended), but I do remember his eyes...
They were like wells that ran deep.
I would sit mesmerized by them.
I honestly didn't know there were eyes that blue in the world.

As years past, I remember a movie coming out with him in it and I told one of my friends "I want to see that movie because Robin Williams plays in it!!
Their response was "Who?"
I shook my head because I knew I couldn't explain the entity of him if they didn't already know.

I know it sounds strange, but I feel like he was looking off the screen straight at me and, in turn,  I could see into his deep being through those eyes of his.

I loved how they sparkled even when he was playing a scene that was sad.
I guess that's what saddens me the most... that in those sparkling eyes that connected to me like no other actor ever has... he, himself, was so very lonely.

He will be sorely missed...

When all you need is a good place to cry

I have tried my hardest to find the positives in my brother and his wife living in my house for the past 8 months.  Most days I do pretty good.

But today... today I got news that just made me want to cry. Literally sit down and bawl my eyes out.
I had been promised by my principal that I would get to move out of the hall where the mean girls reside. And, even though, I have made myself "be okay" with it for the past 7 years, just knowing that this would be the last year made my heart skip a beat.  Well... tonight she let me know it wasn't going to be able to happen.  She knows my situation and how I feel... just the higher ups made a decision that she didn't have control over.

So, I just needed to come home and be by myself... and cry it out.

But the thing is... when you have extra people living in your house, you can't have that gut wrenching cry that you some times need to have.  You can't have the dark and the silence with nothing but your thoughts that an empty house can provide.

You just can't.

Tonight I go to bed with a sick stomach... for tomorrow I bury a friend

I can't even imagine what tomorrow is going to be like...
I couldn't go to the visitation tonight.
I couldn't go and try to come up something to say when there is nothing to say when a beautiful 38 year old is dead.
I couldn't go and see her 2 boys.
I couldn't go and see her husband who she married just a year and a half ago.
I couldn't go and see her sisters that I have spent hours on the phone comforting.

But mainly I couldn't go because my friend is gone... and I miss her.
...and I knew I couldn't sit through seeing her lifeless body and contain the emotions that I have been letting flow only behind closed doors.

Tomorrow I will be there... to do all the things I could not go and do today...

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.

I cannot even begin to express the gamut of emotions that I have gone through this evening.

I felt elated when I arrived home from a 3 day conference today and as soon as Colby saw me he came over and pressed his head into my core... like he was trying to be part of me.  It made me feel loved and I secretly was glad he missed me as much as I missed him.

I felt anxious and nervous when Colby's team battled for 3 hours in a neck and neck ball game that went into extra innings.  The adrenaline was DEFINITELY pumping!! (and you could tell because my legs could NOT stop bouncing!)

I felt angry when the umpires continuously made bad calls which eventually lost us the game. (You know the saying - The Power of One??? Yeah... well, THIS ONE had TOO much power!!)

I felt sorry for the boys because they took this lost hard.  They had given their all (It was seriously the best game I have ever seen them play.) and they were all so emotional afterwards.

I felt upset and frustrated that Ty and I argued... and then he didn't want to talk about it before going to bed. (I'm not one that can sleep soundly when things are laying on my heart and brain.)

I felt shocked and stunned when Kelly's sister called. She only has my number for emergencies... she is ONLY supposed to call if Kelly is NOT doing well.

I felt heartache and confusion and numbness and many other emotions I can't even begin to tell you because Kelly's sister told me that she may not make it through the night.

Now I feel helpless.  There is nothing I can do.  Not for Kelly. Not for her family. Not for me... besides pray.  The tears won't stop falling.  The sleep won't come. My prayers come out as begging and pleads.

I want to feel tranquility. I want to know that Kelly is okay and Ty is okay and Colby and his teammates are okay... So I can feel okay.

What the picture doesn't show

You see this picture?

It is a picture of four friends.

What the picture doesn't show is... we have been friends for YEARS... I mean, YEARS!! We have been getting together monthly for 10 years and have been friends even longer.

What the picture doesn't show is... we have been through the gamut of life's trials and tribulations, the four of us... and none of them has stopped us... or got us down.

What the picture doesn't show is... our friend, Kelly, is fighting Stage 4 cancer.  Sure, her hair is gone... but otherwise, would you have known??

What the picture doesn't show is... She had to be on oxygen the whole time.  She was weak and frail when we saw her today.  Something that caught us all off guard... because she has ALWAYS been the strong vibrant one.

What the picture doesn't show is... the tears we are fighting... trying to look strong for Kelly... because we wanted our visit to be a happy memory for her.

What the picture doesn't show is... we are ending a tradition...we have cancelled our girls' weekend out because we don't want to have one without her.

What the picture doesn't show is... the confusion.  I've never dealt with something like this before.  Sure, I lost my mom to a car accident when I was 22... but to see one of MY friends, that is MY age dying...

What the picture doesn't show is... the pain and the fear and the sadness.  I don't know what to say or what to do... because imagining NOT having her as a friend is unimaginable...

I was caught counting the eggs

I am a firm believer in not counting my chickens before they hatch.
I normally never want to believe something good is going to happen just in case something could go wrong.
Normally.

But, you see, back in November my assistant superintendent came and asked me if I would be interested in a district tech position if they created it.  I was told that I was the only candidate that they were looking at... that no one else was even on their radar.

In January, I was told to be patient because this job was made for me and soon it would come to fruition.

In February, they finally posted the job and my principal and I made plans for all of the cool things we could do technology-wise in my building.

I interviewed on Monday.
Today... I found out that I didn't get the job.

I'm kinda numb.
I normally don't count my chickens before they hatch... but I was definitely caught counting the eggs...