Monday, April 23, 2012

Why I'm dateless and why that isn't about to Change

I'm hooking up with Momalom this week for the Five for Five topics... let's see if I can keep up with everything else that is going on.




I'm sure you are all curious to know what is up with my dating life since I haven't posted about it in a while.
Well... it's non-existent.
I have made it that way.

I have been really confused for quite some time.
I mean, I'm a nice, funny, attractive, successful gal.
I couldn't figure out why things weren't working out for me...

Then I looked at the common factor - me.

I admit it... I'm afraid of being hurt.
I have been hurt...SO hurt that parts of me I don't think survived.
After R. cheated on me, even though I knew I didn't cause it, it knocked me down off the pedestal of love and trust I thought I had.
More than a little of my innocence and naivety fell by the wayside.
I swore I would never get hurt like that again.
But I was wrong.
So very, very wrong.

Spencer I think hurt me more than R.did.
I fell head over heels for that man.
I had fully committed myself to him and our relationship.
I opened up and confided in him like I had never done before.
And he took that and used and abused it.

This broke me more than I realized at the time.
I thought I would give myself time to heal and move on.
Moving on?  I tried... Unsuccessfully because there was always something holding me back.
And then I realized it was that other word...Healing.
I have never fully healed from giving my all and loving someone(s) wholeheartedly and having being crushed.

I mean, how do you recover from that? Not once, but twice?
So, instead of taking that risk, I find something wrong with each new guy and end it.

Doesn't that make you want to set me up with a great guy?
Yeah... it wouldn't me either.

So... I have kinda walked away from dating.
It makes me sad because deep down I want to find someone and have a great relationship... I just don't know how to fix the hurt and the fears to get there.
So... instead I'm changing how I view things... I'm living my life... Just me and my boys and soaking up every second of it.

"...and you'd think that would be a depressing thought... that there's no end to all of the... I don't know.
...that it doesn't get easier, that it just gets different.
But it's not. It's not. It's the opposite of depressing... there's a relief in it. 
Life is complex. 
There's nothing simple or easy about it. 
So I can stop waiting for it...
I can stop waiting... and I can just live."
~Private Practice

2 comments:

  1. It's so hard to recover from being hurt. To put yourself out there. I wish I could say otherwise, of course, but I applaud your process here. And when the time is right I hope you are head over heels again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you... yes, I, too, hope one day the time feels right.

      Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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