Colby is eleven!

Wow.
It sure doesn't seem eleven years ago...

My little boy has definitely turned into a pre-adolescent this year.
The cuddling has lessened.
The attitude has begun.
But he still makes me the proudest momma on the planet.

Happy birthday son!
Your smile brightens my day.
Your compassion and empathetic huge heart melds with mine.
And your go get 'em spirit is something I hope is never broken.
I love you!

Worries

I awoke yesterday with a pain so great I couldn't breathe...

I had been having a dream.  A dream that my ex, R, and I were in a motel room and we were having an argument. I pushed my elbow into him.  He reached with his hands and put a death grip on my stomach.  He continued to squeeze tighter and tighter... and even though the pain was unbearable, the words that were coming out of my mouth were, "I'm fine. What?!?  Do you think that really hurts?"

(The strange thing about this is things were never physical between R and I)

I looked up the meaning of the words motel, elbow, stomach... and they all sent a resounding message.
Motel=transition
elbow= the need for space
stomach= changes and the acceptance of these changes

On the surface, I look fine.
I get up and I do what I'm supposed to do day-by-day.
I smile and let things roll off my back because why carry stress when you don't need it.

But underneath, I worry.
I worry that my students will be lost without my student teacher.
I worry I  will be lost without my student teacher.
I worry.
I worry that I am turning into my paranoid schizophrenic father every time a thought passes through my brain that what someone did was intended to hurt me.
I worry that growing out my hair long will turn me back into that shy quiet girl that never knew how to style her hair.
I worry.

But, on the surface, you will see the fierce me, the "I'm-fine." me, the don't-worry-about-me, let-me-worry-about-you me...
...because I have learned people find worries petty.
...Or maybe I find my worries petty.
...and maybe I would consider that another worry.

But either way, I don't want you to worry about my worries.
I just need space for these transitions so I can accept these changes..
... or at least that's what my dreams tell me.

Look alikes

You know how people say that dogs look like their owners?

Or you are turning into your mother?

Well... I experienced this weekend (going to my hometown for Easter) a combo of those two.
No. no. ...Not dogs and mothers.

People I grew up with married spouses that look like their parents!!
I mean, seriously, it was crazy.  I would see these "kids" that were now in their 30's following behind their mom,  I mean, wife up for communion. And it wasn't like one or two of them!!  It was like most of them!

I just couldn't get past it.

I guess if you were raised by a good example, it is fine to emulate it with your spouse...
But tight mini skirts and big hair was not attractive when your mom tried to pull it off in the 90's ...
and it's also not attractive when your wife is trying to pull it off today.

Just sayin'

Casualty of war

I realize that Facebook is not a war area...
But I do know that I am VERY much a people pleaser.

I don't like it when I know people don't like me... it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
In fact, I will pretty much do anything to get that person to like me... OR avoid them at all costs.

Facebook has put a new spin on "friendships" for me.
You see... I know that people "unfriend" people for MANY different reasons... I get that.

But I have recently become "a casualty of war" when it comes to FB friends...
I have become unfriended because friends of mine are fighting with other friends of mine.
To ensure they son't have ANY contact with that other person OR because they think I will take the other person's side, they have unfriended me.

I really feel like this is middle-schoolish!
I try not to take it personally and let it roll off my back... but I really hate the fact that there are previous friends out there that haven't let me say my piece. :/

My ex is having a baby

"How many kids do you want?"
"Three - two boys and a girl"

That conversation between me and my ex rings in my head.
It has several times over the years... especially when others talk about being pregnant and I say "if the time was right... I would have another."

But it doesn't seem that the time has (or ever will be) right.

And I'm okay with that... most days.
However, when my ex calls up and says that he has news... and the news is that he and his girlfriend are having a baby... and am I excited for them??

I can't seem to muster it up.  Not yet anyways.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want him back. I don't want to have a baby with him.  I just want another one of my own... and my door is quickly closing... and for that reason, I am sad.

Mother/Son date

It wasn't planned... But Colby and I found ourselves home together tonight.
(Sam decided to spend some time with his dad... since I had been hogging him since the accident.)

Colby is in fifth grade.
In my eyes, that is still too young to date... but it is never too early to learn.

So... tonight he and I went on a date.
I told/taught him all the things that I wish someone would have told me at a young age to expect from a young gentleman. (I honestly don't remember my mom talking about dating... I think she thought if she didn't talk about it maybe it wouldn't happen... and it didn't... for a long time.  But when it did, I definitely didn't have high expectations - and that's NOT a good thing.)

So, we talked about how you pick her up and how you treat her parents.  We talked about what makes a fun date.  We talked about proper dinner etiquette.  We talked about respecting her parents' curfew time and when she should be home in reference to that.

And we talked about kissing.  Yep, kissing.  We talked about respecting people's bubbles and if, and only IF, a girl allows you into her bubble, do you kiss her.  And if she doesn't, then it wasn't the right time, or maybe not the right person.  We talked about how it's okay if it takes time to be allowed into that bubble... that a friendship turned into a relationship will more likely sustain.

At the end of the night, it was raining.  He held my hand until we got to the car.  He opened my door for me as I got in.  Once we were home, he thanked me for going on a date with him.

I think we have a good start... Not that I plan to allow him to date any time soon. ;)

God has a way of putting things in perspective

On Tuesday, I came home and bawled my eyes out.
I felt like the year I was planning for next school year had been ripped out from under me.

Then on Thursday, my son, Sam, got hit by a baseball while he was up to bat. The injury caused a 4 cm tear in  his spleen.
He has spent the last several days in the hospital being monitored... while I (along with many of our family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, teammates, classmates, etc.) prayed.... and prayed ... and prayed some more.

You see... Other things in the world don't seem to matter when the words "Bleeding internally" are thrown into your vocabulary.

So... Sleep deprived that I am, I want to you all know that I do know the little things (like job assignments) don't matter... and the big things (like the well-being of your children) do.


...Hug the ones that are close to you a little tighter tonight; for you never know what tomorrow will bring.

When all you need is a good place to cry

I have tried my hardest to find the positives in my brother and his wife living in my house for the past 8 months.  Most days I do pretty good.

But today... today I got news that just made me want to cry. Literally sit down and bawl my eyes out.
I had been promised by my principal that I would get to move out of the hall where the mean girls reside. And, even though, I have made myself "be okay" with it for the past 7 years, just knowing that this would be the last year made my heart skip a beat.  Well... tonight she let me know it wasn't going to be able to happen.  She knows my situation and how I feel... just the higher ups made a decision that she didn't have control over.

So, I just needed to come home and be by myself... and cry it out.

But the thing is... when you have extra people living in your house, you can't have that gut wrenching cry that you some times need to have.  You can't have the dark and the silence with nothing but your thoughts that an empty house can provide.

You just can't.

If you say gullible slowly, it sounds like "oranges"

I love being able to laugh and joke with my students!  By this time of year, it is a normal every day occurrence.  I love being able to "get them" on April Fools Day!

But the laugh today didn't come from me just getting them... it came from them getting my student teacher.

Yep... the ol' quarter down the nose trick.

She'll learn. ;)