Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sleep deprived

I have had some dark and twisted last couple of days. I have turned into an insomniac again and I seriously think it is affecting my sanity.

But in the same sense, I have said things that have bothered me for a long time to the people that they need to be said to.

I have to say, I am a planner and a worrier. If I am going to have a confrontation with someone, I plan it out in my head. I play through several scenarios to not be caught off guard and so that I can be prepared for the worst. I am much better at writing down my feelings so I can reread them before presenting them to someone....most of the time, they aren't presented. And then I worry. I worry about what will come about because of my words. Things I can't take back after I have said them. So, I don't say them.

But the last few days, in this fogged-out, sleep-deprived brain of mine, that filter (that makes me plan and keeps me from saying what I want to say) has been void from my life.

I told my ex-husband today how much he hurt me....and I didn't leave out the mean, hurtful feelings that I have never said to him. Feelings that filter of mine keeps me from saying because I might cause a ripple.

Somehow, I feel less weighted...now maybe I can sleep.

3 comments:

  1. I do the same thing, as a champion worrier, by going through all the different scenarios I think in an effort to stretch out the worry. It does help to have a plan though, at least that's what I tell myself! It is good to get things off your chest though, like a soul cleansing so to speak.

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  2. Dude - are you me?

    And now for a long boring story you didn't ask to hear...when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant w/ Presh, my Dad, whom I have a rocky, shitty relationship with at best, suggested for Christmas that he would take Hubs and I to a jazz concert thing at a local restaurant. (Not our bag, but it's always all about him). So I tried to politely decline by saying I didn't think I would feel up to sitting in a wooden chair for 2 hours being 8 months pregnant (by the time of the concert I would have been). His response? "Well, they have double doors, we can wheel you in." FUCK OFF, man. So, I sent him an email, years overdue, telling him that if he wanted to be a part of his grandkids' life (whom he lives 25 minutes away from and has managed to see maybe 5 times EVER) it would be on my terms, blah, blah, and I didn't appreciate the way he talked to me, yada yada. His response then? NOTHING. I haven't heard or seen him for a year. Good Riddance. End rant. Thanks for listening.

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  3. So do you regret what you said now? Sometimes turning the filter off is good for the soul.

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