Thursday, August 27, 2009

when wishing becomes wanting

I wish I was with Spencer every day.
I wish things were easy.
I wish my back didn't hurt and the my eyes weren't always heavy.

We don't always get what we wish for...

Spencer told me today that even though we have discussed marriage, the longer he stays single... the more he thinks that he might stay single and never get married again. I wish he hadn't said that...even though I played it cool, my mind was going crazy. I wanted to say "Why would you say that? Don't you want to grow old with me?" But I didn't. Wishing that he didn't say that... wanting him not to feel that way, doesn't change anything.

We both tell each other how much we want to be in the same place as the other...but some days I wonder. I wonder if I am wasting my time wanting something more for the both of us. I know that was part of the downfall of my marriage. I wanted it...and because I wanted it, I was able to make it happen... for a while. But it didn't last. Because no matter how much you want something for someone else...if they don't want it themselves, it isn't gonna last.

I just wish the want wasn't there...but it is.

I want the dream life...I just don't know how to wish it into existence.

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