Dare I say it?

I'm happy.
The end of school is within sight.
My boys are wonderful and healthy. (fingers crossed -they say healthy)
...and me? 

Well... there is no man in the picture.
Lots of guys I talk to.
Some guys that want to take me out here or there.
But no ONE.
Strangely enough... I'm good.

I find myself being the person that is saying to others who have just started on the divorce/dating journey, "It's okay.  It's normal to feel broken.  You will find yourself again.  Give yourself time.  And breathe.  I know right now even remembering to breathe is a struggle... but it does get better."

I wonder sometimes how I have made it to this place... this place of not feeling completely broken.  This place of being okay. 

I know a LOT of it has to do with this place right here... this blog!
Spewing out my emotions when they haven't always been pretty.
Trying to find honesty inside myself to actually deal with the hurt and the pain.
Trying to make sense of it all.

I am finally to the place that I can say "I deserve better." and actually mean it for myself.
Others have been saying it to me for years... but I didn't believe them.  How could I?  I felt like I was the door mat of any guy that needed a place to wipe his feet.  I was so desperate for love and to be loved that I couldn't see that loving yourself fully needed to come first.

I now know it though.  I know I have people who love and care for me... and want  to be around me because of who I am... not whether I am part of a couple.
See??  That was part of the broken me.
Thinking something was wrong with me if I wasn't with someone.

Friday night I sat in a room full of friends... everyone else was with their husband or boyfriend... and then there was me. 

But I made a realization.
That is how it has always been!

When I was married to R., he was always gone on baseball stuff... and it was my couple friends... and me.
When I was dating Spencer, he lived too far away to be part of my life here...and it was my couple friends... and me.

It has always been just me!

It has just taken me this long to realize it... that I truly have always been alone in my relationships.
So why not be happy in just me?