I'm on fire...wish my grill was

Last night I got home, I cut and weed-eated my lawn, unloaded and reloaded my dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, and graded half the stack of papers that I had from Friday (because I was too busy doing fun stuff over the weekend), and Monday (because I was sick), and Tuesday (that day). I accomplished all of this from the hours of 5-11 pm.

I was on fire!

Today at school, Laura and I were brainstorming ideas to do with our small groups. She would tell me what skill she was thinking of covering and I was coming up with activities left and right.

I was on fire!!

Tonight I got home and planned on grilling steak for the boys and me. I, of course, always buy the charcoal that always has the lighter fluid already on it so it will be fast and easy. However, it was not. No matter what I tried, I could not get that bleepin' charcoal to light!

Being on fire does nothing when you want something actually on fire.

So much for being on fire...

The high road not taken

Tonight I honestly dreaded... I wanted to be there for my boys, but knowing that my ex had talked to his girlfriend about letting me have my place made me feel sick.
I don't like confrontation, but as I get older, I have found that if someone confronts me with something I feel strongly about I turn into a bulldog... and I don't back down.

I arrived at the football field. My ex was already there with my boys. She was also already there. She was already in there helping out. She was wearing a t-shirt with the team's name on it and my boys' names on back.
The game hadn't started, (and I obviously wasn't needed) so I stayed back and talked to one of my friends(C.) whose son is also on the boys' team. She expressed how she didn't know how I felt, but if it were her in my shoes, she wouldn't be handling it very well.

When it was finally gametime, I headed to the edge of the field - right where I would be in the center of all the action, so there was NO way I could be replaced. She came up to me and said she would like to talk to me when I had the time and handed me a shirt. Sure, it was a nice gesture...and we might be rooting for the same players, but I am not going to show any kind of "team" unity here....just not going to do it! Her and I are NOT ever going to be unified!

Thankfully, C. chose to come sit by me and keep me company so She didn't feel the need to talk to me throughout the whole game.

After gametime, my ex asked me to come to his vehicle to get the boys' bookbags. When I arrived there, She came up and handed them to me. She told me that she was not trying to replace me and the we needed to have the two boys best interest at heart. I said that it sure did feel like she was trying to replace me. She kept going, repeating herself over and over (I think trying to convince us both). Then She said that I needed to accept the fact that she was there, that that wasn't going to change, that she wants to be here and be involved more than anything.

That was my breaking point...that is when the bulldog decided to join the fight...I told her, "Well, for as much as you want to be here...that's as much as I don't want you to be here."

I got in my car and closed the door. I felt like I was going to throw up.
I didn't ask for this interaction... all I wanted was to not be replaced.

Conversations with the kid

I love conversations with my boys...to see how they view this crazy world of ours.

Tonight at supper, Sam said "Mom, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you."
Me: "You mean you're gonna marry a girl like Momma?"
Sam: "No, I'm gonna marry you...you are the only girl I love."

So sweet...but I wanted to clarify things for him.

Me: "Well, Sweetheart, you can't marry Mom because I'm your mom."
Sam: "Well...then I guess I'll just live by myself and have a dog."

Oh...not where I wanted him to go...

Me: "But don't you want to have kids of your own someday?"
Sam: "Oh. Yeah...... Boys can't have babies....I guess I will have to marry a girl, huh?"
Me: "Yep"
Sam: "Well.... okay....but you're the only girl I love right now."
Me: "That's fine...Mom is okay if you don't love another girl for a LONG time!"

The replacement

I used to love going to my boys' ball practices and games. I know that they have been playing since before they could walk and because of that they have that slight advantage over the other kids. I would beam as I stood out on the field cheering them on. Today was different. As I look out onto the field there is a perfect little family of four playing, laughing, having a good time. ...Why does that make me sad?


Because the only one missing is me. I have been replaced. My two children are there. The man who used to be my husband is there....and she is there - my ex's girlfriend. I am no longer the one who gets to help on the field when it comes to assisting with the boys, she is picked. I am no longer the one who goes along and gives the kids their refreshments for their drink breaks, she is. Today was the kicker though. My son got hurt and he ran to her....because she is on the field. She is right there, not me.


It makes me not want to be involved. It makes me want to fall into the shadows even more than I already am. It makes me not want to go to their games and practices...I mean, I'm not needed, she's there.


So I went to my ex after practice and I told him this. I told him I realize that he has moved on, but being replaced in the eyes of my children hurts...and I won't put myself through that kind of torture weekly.

He actually surprised me. He told me I could never be replaced... that I am their one and only mother and that he would talk to her and tell her that when it is times where all of us are present she needs to let me have my role as the mom.

So...I guess we'll see if I'm in or on the sidelines...first game is Thursday.

The grass is always greener...

Go ahead... kiss 'em - your husband, your lawn boy, whoever it might be that tends to your yard. Kiss them and thank your lucky stars that your don't have to!

I have never been a person who enjoys yard work.

If the summer sun gets so hot that it turns my yard to a sickly shade of brown, I'm a happy camper. This summer I didn't water my lawn once, not once, and it stayed green! (even though I was hoping for that sickly brown color.)....I seriously think my neighbors secretly watered my lawn.

You see, with that sickly brown color comes less mowing. I hate to mow. And more than mowing, I hate to weed eat! Sickly brown burnt up grass doesn't need to be mowed or weed-eaten.

Because I despise this mundane task of cutting down something just so it can regrow and the WHOLE task can reoccur again in 5-7 days, I put it off as long as I can. This time around I did a fabulous job of putting it off.

Over Labor Day weekend, I was out of town.

Then came my birthday (...and who really wants to do yard work on their birthday??!!) and a busy week at school.

Then last weekend, I had a day out with my girls and an unplanned trip to see Spencer in AR.

So...here we are... with my grass greener and taller than it has EVER been.

yeah... the grass may be a pretty shade of green, but so is my twinge of jealousy for all of you that don't have to do yard work.

Fame

Fame.
I'm gonna live forever.
I'm gonna learn how to fly.
High

I feel it coming together
People will see me and cry
Fame

I'm gonna make it to heaven
Light up the sky like a flame
Fame

I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name

Remember
Remember
Remember

I was only 5 when this movie came out the first time. I SO wanted to be a dancer. I guess my mom's compromise (since she couldn't afford for me to take dance lessons) was to take me to see this movie. I loved it! I would dance around singing this song over and over and over again. I'm sure my mom hated that song after a while. I know my brothers did.
Being only five, I don't really remember the plot of the story...just the song. I am actually really excited about the new movie coming out.

I hope I'm not disappointed....Because this is movie made me, a girl who never had dance lessons, believe I could dance! I knew I had it in me... FAME!


Small dreams are never small to the young.

birthday blues

Birthdays have always been special to me. A day that is no one else's.
I feel like birthdays are a BIG deal...which is why I'm down today.

See... today is my birthday.

I don't care about getting older... that's going to happen no matter what; it's the fact that I am spending my birthday alone.

Never in a million years would I believe that I would have no one with me on my birthday to celebrate it with me.

It's my own fault really.

I insisted on having my boys go to Texas with me this past weekend, thinking we would celebrate it there.... but we didn't.

So, today, my boys are with their dad...instead of with me...on my birthday.

And it's my choice to date someone who lives 7 hours away.
So, today, he is in Texas...instead of with me... on my birthday.

So...I guess I'm having a pity party... rather than no party at all.

As sweet as pie?

I have brought my boys and Spencer's kids down to Texas to spend Labor Day weekend with him. This is the first time all six of us have been in Texas together.

I had an uneasy feeling about this weekend from the start. It had nothing to do with the 7 hour drive, or traveling with 4 kids. It had to do with... I never know what to expect from Spencer's almost 11 year old son.

See...in the beginning, things were great with Corban. He liked the idea that I was a teacher. He liked me teaching him new things. Then one weekend that we (Spencer, myself, and his 2 kids) spent together in AR, that all changed. Spencer jokingly mentioned that one day I might be Corban's step-mom.

Since that time, Corban has done little things to try to get under my skin. Most of the time I just ignore them... or, in the least, tell him to stop.

I know what he is going through. I know his feelings well enough that I can normally predict his next move. See...I am a person whose parents are divorced and my mom dated when I was a kid. I know how happy a certain someone made my mom and I promptly told her that I would be respectful of him (if she ever married him), but he would not be my dad and he would not tell me what to do.

Which is why I don't understand why tonight caught me so off guard...
You see, Spencer loves apple pie. Normally his mom makes him an apple pie on the weekends he comes up to see his kids. This weekend she ran out of time before I left with the kids, so she just sent the apples with us.

This evening Spencer casually asked what he was going to do with all of these apples. I said I could make him a pie, if he wanted. I went to the computer to look up a recipe. (I mean, I have never made an apple pie before, but I do like to bake and have made other pies, so....) About that time Corban asked if he could used Spencer's phone. After Corban walked off, I said to Spencer, "Guarantee he is calling your mom for the apple pie recipe." Sure enough he was.

Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, "Oh. easy fix. Use Spencer's mom's recipe. No biggie." But, I guess, it is how it was presented... Corban was trying to control the situation.

...and so the butting of heads was on.

I printed off the recipe I had found. Corban brought his recipe to me. I compared the two.
(Honestly, I had nothing against Spencer's mom's (Nana)recipe....but it was written in 10 yr old boy writing ~missing measurements and steps). That is one thing, when it comes to recipes (and directions) I follow them step-by-step. I am not one of these people who experiment in the kitchen. So, I told Corban that I would just use the one I had found on-line.

Corbin kept asking Spencer, "Do you want Nana's apple pie or the inter-net's? You already know you like Nana's." So I said, "Well, who knows...maybe your dad will like my apple pie. He's never had it before." Then I turned to Spencer and said, "'Cause I know if I make Nana's now, it won't be as good as hers in Corban's eyes."

We headed into town to get all the necessary ingredients. While Corban called to tell his Pa that I wasn't going to use Nana's recipe but "one found on the inter-net". By this time, I had my fill. I thought I was doing a nice gesture by offering to make an apple pie...and now it was nothing but a headache.

Spencer was having a hard time understanding why I was having such a hard time with this situation. I tried to explain to him that no matter what I do, I'm the bad guy with Corban. I'm not used to that! I am with children daily. Children who will misbehave, and I discipline, and then at the end of the day hug me and tell me they can't wait to see me tomorrow. I know how to connect with kids! It's what I do. But that connection is a two-way street. Both parties have to be willing to give a little.

I, by no means, ever want to come between Spencer and his kids... because I would expect him to always choose his children first.

Yeah...I'm realizing more and more that Mike and Carol Brady had it TOO easy ~ six kids and no resentment. Whateva!

antiques

I had a student of mine come up and ask me if he could bring something for show and tell. I explained to him that we don't do show and tell in third grade.

He said, "But it's an antique!!"

"Oh? Well, what is it?" I asked.

"It's this really cool old phone that you have to stick you finger in this circle and turn it around to dial. It's really old!"

"Yeah...I don't think it's that old."

Thought you needed a laugh today

I took these videos of my boys almost 2 years ago.
They were eating cranberries.
Wish I video taped them more often.
Guess, that should be my new goal.
Enjoy!

expecting questions

Sam lay on my lap the other night with his head up against my belly.

"Mom, you have any more babies in your belly?" he asked.

Ha! "Not right now I don't!" I answered.

"Well, do you think you could grow one?"

(You see, Sam has been going to a babysitter (other than grandma) and she watches a little girl about 9 months. This is the first time that Sam has gotten to be the big kid. I think Sam likes to be the BIG kid.)

So, I explained to him..."Son, mommas have to be married to have babies...and I'm not married." (I know, I know....this isn't true...but it is what 4 year old minds understand!)

He looks up at me with his big beautiful bluest of blue eyes and says, "You think you can marry Spencer any time soon?"

I'm thinking...maybe I will have to do a little more explaining.