If I go insane, now you'll know why

When I was at college, I expected to have roommates...
I expected to have things of mine borrowed and not returned.
I expected to have food that I bought eaten and not replaced.
I expected to be awoken at hours I hadn't planned on being up at.

However, here at the age of 38... I had not planned for this:

My brother moved in back in October - in plans of getting his wife's new shop ready.  Their plan was for her to arrive around late November and to be moved out by Christmas.

Things didn't go as planned (and I get that).  The shop took a LOT longer than expected. She didn't get here until Jan... so they are both STILL in my house.

I didn't really have a problem with my brother being here... he and I are a LOT a like.

However... My SIL is the COMPLETE opposite... and the once she has moved in is when the roommate drama truly started.

Yes, they have borrowed my things without asking... my SIL even tried to even argue that my new scarf might be her's and I'm afraid my nice Dyson vacuum will never be the same. :(

Yes, they have eaten my food and not replaced it... and I get that they don't know my boys' eating habits, but if you finish it off... replace it.

Yes, they don't hold the hours that my boys and I hold... but on school days they tend to be up late and on days like today (snow day) they tend to be up early... and they aren't quiet.

And don't even get me started on the greasy foods that they cook ALL the time (yes, I am a healthy eater/cook) and leave my house smelly of oil and grease. YUCK!

So... needless to say, these snow days that are trapping us all together and preventing them from working to gain money to move closer to a moving day are just about to do me in!!!!

What I can teach you

I'm supposed to be teaching you.
You watch me and mimic.
And it's good.
So very good!

But you see... I might be teaching you about how to become a teacher... but I don't think those things are what you are learning the most about.

No... the times that we just get to sit and talk, I think are opening your eyes more than the teaching.

You are learning about life.
I am getting to share my hard earned knowledge of this world.

You look at me in awe and ask, "How do you come with a smile on your face every day?"

Without even thinking, I reply, "Because you have to let go of the things you can not change.  I can't change that my mom is dead.  I can't change that my husband cheated... and so I have to let them go."

You have to know though... seeing you digest what I just said taught me how far I have come... and I needed that realization.

So... even though I am supposed to be teaching you - Thank you for teaching me.

Snow Daze: Post It Note Tuesday

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I followed my heart... I hope it is leading me down the right path

There was the initial spark (that I need) when I met him.
Once he was there, there didn't seem to be a question as to whether or not he should be there.
It seemed right... until it didn't.

I can't pinpoint a time or day when it seemed wrong, but it did.
I struggled with myself.
I mean... he was a nice guy, treated my kids well, my friends and family liked him.  I also liked his family.
All the perfect portions to a good recipe, right?

But we didn't ever seem to be moving forward...we have stayed in the same place that we have been the last year and a half.
Him living at his house. Me living at mine.  Two families together, yet separate, all the time.
And I thought that eventually we would merge... somehow.

But it didn't happen.

Again, I fought with myself.
I told myself to give it time...That just because I couldn't see it in the cards, doesn't mean it isn't there.

But then, little things started to become bigger things... Unkind words were spoken.  He pointed out things that he didn't like about me... not about how I am, but about who I am.
I was caught off guard ... and hurt.

We talked about it, but inside I was unsettled.  I couldn't see how someone who cared so much about me would say such hurtful things.
So, I did what I always do.  I apologized.

I apologized and put on my happy face.
Putting on a happy face, only lasts so long when you can cut the tension with a knife.
He was obviously still not okay and neither was I.

So this weekend I walked away.
I know this may seem harsh or drastic... but trust me, it wasn't.
Our time together was no longer pleasant.  Anytime the hurtful words were brought up, only more hurtful words were spoken.
I told him that I was done fighting over little things.
I told him that I didn't want to be with someone who thought of me poorly -  like in the recent weeks that he had said he did.
I feel a little lost at times... I have gotten used to "checking in"... but I know that this is part of the journey... a VERY hard part.

There's nothing greater than a mother's love

I stand and wait for the young mother who has parked next to me to load her toddler son into her car. 
We had arrived at our vehicles at almost the same exact time.  I motioned for her to go on ahead... I know what it's like to have a squirmy toddler in a parking lot. 
I notice a woman standing behind her vehicle, just waiting.  I smile politely at her.
The young mother sing-songy tells her son, "Mommy will be just a minute." and closes the door.
She thanks me as she lets me through.

I didn't pay attention to her for the next few minutes because I was busy talking to Sam and getting in my car...

...but the next scene I saw... was a daughter having to say good-bye to her mom.  The embrace was like only one a mom can give.  The tears were welling in the daughter's eyes as I noticed her license plate was from Virginia - so I knew she had a long road ahead of her.

Seeing that exchange made my eyes swell... I never know what is going to make me miss my mom...If only, I could have one more of those embraces...

Brothers

I love that my two boys have each other.  Nothing warms my heart more than seeing them cuddling next to each other hugging and loving on each other.  Sure... a few minutes later, they will instead be wrestling... and possibly even fighting... but for those few seconds, they are SO precious and the love radiates from them. I am so very happy to know that they will forever have each other to turn to, to laugh with, to cry with... even to fight with. But mostly to love!

I have 3 brothers that I love dearly.  Each one fills a different void. Michael, my older brother, lives for the day.  He has an adventurous lifestyle that I know I couldn't keep up with, but I would love trying.  My younger brother, Tim, is the one the most like me and I can tell anything to. Nick, my youngest brother, has shown me that family means more than I ever knew.

I have a few other brothers that I can't officially claim as my own, but in my heart, they are.... R. and Ty both have older brothers.  They both tortured their younger brothers in their younger years, but now they are role models that their brothers look up to and love dearly.
For me, they make me feel especially special every time I see them.  I can't explain it...  But they hug with fervor, they know the right questions to ask and the right things to say, and they make me feel more part of their family sometimes than their younger brothers.

Yes, brothers are something I definitely can't live without and I'm glad my life is filled with them.

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. - Desmond Tutu

Torn between two worlds

This weekend, Ty (the guy I'm dating) and R. (my ex) both had family weddings. For R., it was his little sister.... who I have known since she was 7. For Ty, it was his dad... who has FULLY embraced me into his family. (For those of you that know me, know I don't have a relationship with my own dad... so dad relationships are important to me.)

I struggled which event I should attend.

I was told by friends that without a doubt, I should be going with Ty.  The only problem with that was that I was making the wedding cakes for R.'s sister and had to be there delivering them RIGHT when Ty's dad's wedding started and my boys were in the wedding party.  Plus, R.s family is still my family.  (The unfortunate part is that it is family that I really don't get to see any more...) So I had decided to just go to R.s.

The night before the weddings, I was supposed to be cake decorating.  Both families had rehearsals and rehearsal dinners.  I decided to take a break from cake decorating (time I didn't really have to give up) to go to Ty's family's dinner.  I got a lot of "Oh! I didn't think you were going to be able to make it! I'm so glad you're here!!"  Needless to say, it made me feel good... but at the same time, I regretted not being able to be at the wedding.

Last night, I attended R's sister's wedding.  They loved the cakes.  I loved being able to see my boys take part in their aunt's wedding.  I loved seeing her awesome reactions - because she doesn't hold back how she is feeling... and neither does her new hubby.  I loved seeing all of R.'s family - They were my family for 10+ years and I miss them!!  Needless to say, I was happy that I was there...

...but at the same time, I felt like a third wheel.  R.'s girlfriend was there... and even though her and I get along great... Family picture time was MORE than awkward. I mean, I didn't jump into a picture with just him and the boys... but when they said "Okay, let's get a picture of the whole family." I didn't step up.  Then they were like, "Dawn, you too!"  Then at dinner, they said, "These tables are reserved for family"... Did that include me??  I honestly didn't know.  So I sat at the kid's table with my boys... and sat back and watched the adult conversation at the next table, feeling even more like I didn't belong.

I'm not sure I made the right choice...
I'm not sure I made the wrong choice...
I'm not sure there was a right choice.

But what I am sure of is that I was torn... and I have a feeling this won't be the last time.