I *MIGHT* have let the cat out of the bag...

I think I just dispelled the mystery of Santa for my 10 year old son, Sam...
Some of you might think he is much too old to still believe in Santa, but that too, you can blame on me.
I love the thought of my children believing in something so whole-heartedly and without question.

So... yes, I have played up the Santa card quite well...

... until tonight.

Tonight, I left the present I bought for Sophia, Todd's daughter, sitting in the hallway.
That doesn't sound like much of a problem, right??

Well, it wouldn't be, except I bought her the thing she asked Santa for...
and Sam looked at me with eyes squinted and said, "Why would you buy that when Sophia asked Santa for that?"

I didn't have a good answer other than I saw it and knew she would like it.

Yeah.
I think I blew it.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.

This quote just oozes into me...

Any time I wanted my students to know that they were REALLY in trouble, I whispered. (You're MUCH scarier when you whisper.)

Any time I wanted them to know it was something SO important I didn't want the whole world to know, I whispered. (I'm a loud talker by nature.)

Any time their tiny heart broke mine due to things beyond their control, I whispered. (Because I knew that loud voice of mine would crack with emotion if I didn't, but I still wanted them to know how much I cared.)

Yes... Those whispered words... they speak volumes.

Looking up

As I stepped out into the cold brisk night tonight, I stopped and looked up.
The Big Dipper glistened in the cold winter air.
... and I realized that is what I have forgotten to do lately...
to look up.

To say that I have been overwhelmed lately would be an understatement.
I have definitely been down.
This, in turn, has caused me to be cynical with others around me and to just curl up inside myself... If I could have cocooned myself, I would have by now.

But tonight, as I stood outside (much longer than I normally would in these freezing temps), I realized that is what I had forgotten to do lately... Just to look up.

At the beautiful sky.
At all of my family and friends around me.
At the fact that I am ALMOST done with this master's degree and it actually hasn't killed me.(I turned in my thesis paper tonight... So, yes, that helped in not being hunkered down any more. :)
At all the positive things this life is offering me.

Yep, things are looking up.

Who wants to book me some place sunny?

Lately, I have felt like all of my nerve endings have been on the outside of my body.
I know it is because my stress levels have been so high... but I have never had this sensation before - my body tingles, almost like I can feel the vibrations from the air.

I walk around like a zombie in my own body.  I have been trying to sleep more, but I am waking up exhausted from dreaming all night about the things that I haven't finished during the day.

My body aches.  My upper arms have always ached when I was fighting off something... that's how I always knew to boost my Vitamin C. My arms have ached for the past month. Vitamin C is no longer cutting it.

I keep telling myself that this too shall soon pass, but I'm tired of being tired and not feeling like my happy cheerful self.

I feel like anything that anyone asks of me is too much - this isn't like me - I'm the multi-tasking queen.  The planning of Thanksgiving... all I can say is... Ugh.  (This is normally my favorite time.)

I know it is because my brain is consistently on. If I'm not thinking about my thesis, I'm thinking about lesson plans, or my presentations.  I have 3 cakes that I have coming up next month that I refuse to even look at the designs because I can't add that to my thought process right now.

Todd asks me what he can do.  I tell him that I don't know what to do myself much less tell someone else how to help me.  He hugs me, but right now the hugs aren't tight enough or long enough... because they don't take away the tingling... and I just need to feel like me again.

Believe so forcefully that you make others believe it too

So this afternoon I had to go meet with my professor over my department to get him to approve my new thesis topic.

To say I was nervous was an understatement.

You see, my degree will be in Educational Technology.

My new thesis topic is along the lines of preparing students for technology but not them actually utilizing technology... Which meant I had to convince my professor to let me change my topic.

There was LOTS of explaining... and more explaining... and even MORE explaining about how and why this is and will be beneficial to students (and to us teachers).

I seriously was dripping in sweat!

In the end, I not only convinced him that it was a good topic - he was trying to figure out what conference would be a good one for me to share my findings at.  (Not exactly sure I'm ready for that kind of exposure!!)

This kind of tired

When I was a kid and my mom had headed back to college to finish her degree, she seemed to always be tired.  She would pull up to a stop light, tell us to wake her when the light changed to green, lay back and close her eyes.  Within seconds, she would be breathing loudly.  I wondered how she could be to sleep so quickly...

When I was hitting my growth spurts in high school and would come home from school, collapse on the couch, sleep for a few hours, eat and go back to sleep... I thought I was tired.

When I was in college and stayed up half the night because I had procrastinated TOO long and I refused to turn my paper in late and I knew I HAD to make that 8 am class because I couldn't risk my scholarship... I thought I was tired.

When I had newborns and I was up half the night with midnight, and 2am, and 4 am, and 6 am nursing sessions... I thought I was tired.

But this semester - this semester is about to do me in...
I realize that I am teaching and working on a thesis and trying to be the best mom and girlfriend out there and (occasionally) cake decorating... BUT this kind of tired ... this kind of tired makes me want to sleep at stop lights.

Just sayin'

If you're gonna do it, make it worth your while

Back a year ago, my supervising professor and I sat down to discuss my thesis topic.  I really had no idea as to what I wanted to do and I can now say that my brain was not prepared at that time to answer that question.

So, she suggested a topic and I went with it.  It was something I could easily observe in my school district.  I didn't love the topic, but it had components that interested me.  (At the time, I also didn't know I needed to love my topic...)

In my class last spring, I did my literature review as part of a class I was in.  I had NO idea what I was doing or for that matter WHY I was doing it.  I was given criteria and I followed them.  (I was definitely playing the "schooling game.")

Here comes this semester...  I'm taking a research methodology class... It explains WHY I did everything last semester and why I was wrong with a good portion of it. :/

So, I revised... and revised... and revised some more.

Tonight I sat down with my professor to talk about my topic - He asked me why I was passionate about my topic.  I explained.  Then he said, "So if your passion is technology and elementary school students, why are you going to observe high school students??"

I explained that it was because my students hadn't received the technology yet...
I told him everything I am doing this year to get them ready for it for next year... How most nights I don't sleep because I am up researching just trying to find any information I can about it.

He looked at me and smiled.  "I think you have your research topic right there."