Looking up

As I stepped out into the cold brisk night tonight, I stopped and looked up.
The Big Dipper glistened in the cold winter air.
... and I realized that is what I have forgotten to do lately...
to look up.

To say that I have been overwhelmed lately would be an understatement.
I have definitely been down.
This, in turn, has caused me to be cynical with others around me and to just curl up inside myself... If I could have cocooned myself, I would have by now.

But tonight, as I stood outside (much longer than I normally would in these freezing temps), I realized that is what I had forgotten to do lately... Just to look up.

At the beautiful sky.
At all of my family and friends around me.
At the fact that I am ALMOST done with this master's degree and it actually hasn't killed me.(I turned in my thesis paper tonight... So, yes, that helped in not being hunkered down any more. :)
At all the positive things this life is offering me.

Yep, things are looking up.

Believe so forcefully that you make others believe it too

So this afternoon I had to go meet with my professor over my department to get him to approve my new thesis topic.

To say I was nervous was an understatement.

You see, my degree will be in Educational Technology.

My new thesis topic is along the lines of preparing students for technology but not them actually utilizing technology... Which meant I had to convince my professor to let me change my topic.

There was LOTS of explaining... and more explaining... and even MORE explaining about how and why this is and will be beneficial to students (and to us teachers).

I seriously was dripping in sweat!

In the end, I not only convinced him that it was a good topic - he was trying to figure out what conference would be a good one for me to share my findings at.  (Not exactly sure I'm ready for that kind of exposure!!)

This kind of tired

When I was a kid and my mom had headed back to college to finish her degree, she seemed to always be tired.  She would pull up to a stop light, tell us to wake her when the light changed to green, lay back and close her eyes.  Within seconds, she would be breathing loudly.  I wondered how she could be to sleep so quickly...

When I was hitting my growth spurts in high school and would come home from school, collapse on the couch, sleep for a few hours, eat and go back to sleep... I thought I was tired.

When I was in college and stayed up half the night because I had procrastinated TOO long and I refused to turn my paper in late and I knew I HAD to make that 8 am class because I couldn't risk my scholarship... I thought I was tired.

When I had newborns and I was up half the night with midnight, and 2am, and 4 am, and 6 am nursing sessions... I thought I was tired.

But this semester - this semester is about to do me in...
I realize that I am teaching and working on a thesis and trying to be the best mom and girlfriend out there and (occasionally) cake decorating... BUT this kind of tired ... this kind of tired makes me want to sleep at stop lights.

Just sayin'

If you're gonna do it, make it worth your while

Back a year ago, my supervising professor and I sat down to discuss my thesis topic.  I really had no idea as to what I wanted to do and I can now say that my brain was not prepared at that time to answer that question.

So, she suggested a topic and I went with it.  It was something I could easily observe in my school district.  I didn't love the topic, but it had components that interested me.  (At the time, I also didn't know I needed to love my topic...)

In my class last spring, I did my literature review as part of a class I was in.  I had NO idea what I was doing or for that matter WHY I was doing it.  I was given criteria and I followed them.  (I was definitely playing the "schooling game.")

Here comes this semester...  I'm taking a research methodology class... It explains WHY I did everything last semester and why I was wrong with a good portion of it. :/

So, I revised... and revised... and revised some more.

Tonight I sat down with my professor to talk about my topic - He asked me why I was passionate about my topic.  I explained.  Then he said, "So if your passion is technology and elementary school students, why are you going to observe high school students??"

I explained that it was because my students hadn't received the technology yet...
I told him everything I am doing this year to get them ready for it for next year... How most nights I don't sleep because I am up researching just trying to find any information I can about it.

He looked at me and smiled.  "I think you have your research topic right there."

Just what I needed

You know you have one of those moments where, in your head, you are just like, "Wow."

Yeah... I had several moments like that this weekend.

Let's start out with the first...
I am someone who tries not to be judgmental.  I preach it to my students that differences are the best things about us.

However, I was raised in a pretty conservative part of the country... and even though I speak, "Don't be judgmental." Sometimes... I have judged books by their cover.  I'm not proud of it, just stating a reality.

Dating Todd...Well... dating Todd has open my eyes to things that I needed my eyes opened to.
In the past, I probably wouldn't have dated a guy like Todd because he isn't as fit as he should be... but it doesn't change the compassion in his heart or the way he makes me laugh.

Man, we laugh SO hard!

This weekend we went to stay with his buddy, Wes.
When you look at Wes, what you see is someone who is overweight, bald headed, and completely covered in tattoos.
But what you should really be seeing is the fact that Wes is an amazing guy who is compassionate and hospitable and who is one day going to make an INCREDIBLE counselor to lost teens!!

That first "Wow!" moment hit me pretty hard and fast... and honestly made me feel pretty awful.

The second one came at dinner.  Wes said something along the lines of me being "WAY out of Todd's league." I proceeded to tell Wes that I don't believe in leagues... and that I am slowly learning my lesson to date the nice guys.

... it made me learn that the street runs both ways.  I'm being judged just as much for the outside as Wes is...

The next Wow! came when Todd drove around the block 3 times just so I could get the perfect picture of the opera house that I wanted.  I didn't even ask him... He just knew I didn't get a good picture, so he kept driving around.

Sure, I would do that on my own...
But all the guys in the past that I have been with would have done one of two things:
1. Not stopped at all for the picture
2. Circled once and when I missed the shot, basically would have told me to deal with it.

The last Wow! was just the fact that when either Todd or I saw something that interested us, we stopped.
We had no agenda, no schedule, just fun.  This is how I love to travel,,, and it is nice to be with someone who feels the same.

We took a Boulevard brewery tasting tour. (Even though I don't drink beer, I had fun.)

We ate authentic KC BBQ.

We played darts.

We ate in a quaint little cafe.

We stopped for cheddar mushroom brats and beef jerky.

Yep.  This weekend was just what I needed in so many ways...

Can someone take the limelight off me? thanks.

So... I have been a fairly decent student most of my life.
I was what you would call the "ideal student."
I was quiet.  I raised my hand.  I did my work.
Teachers liked me.  I got termed "Teacher's pet" a lot.
A lot. A LOT.

As an adult, not much has changed... okay, maybe the quiet part, but I still do my best to be a good student.  And actually, not being quiet in a masters program gives me my voice to state my opinion... But I digress.

I have never really enjoyed being the teacher's pet.

I feel like it is a reason for people to have disdain for you... and deep down, all I really want is for people to like me.

So, tonight in my master's class, my professor calls me out to ask if I would consider taking on a student teacher - an undergrad that he is very close to and he thinks would fit perfectly with me.  "Sure." I say.  (No biggie.)

Later in class, he tells us he is going to read over an assignment that we turned in last week.  He said that the paper he is going to read is not perfect, but that it is a great example of what he is looking for in response to his question.

He holds up the paper to begin reading... it is written in purple ink.  Yes, I am in a class of mostly middle school and high school teachers... Me?  I'm an elementary teacher.  I don't use blue or black... I use pink and purple and turquoise...  I immediately know it is my paper.

I was honored, yet also embarrassed.

For one, because I walked out of class last week telling everyone how I felt my assignment had been horribly written.

For two, because despite the fact that he shoved my paper into the middle of the stack (so no one would know whose paper he had read), there was no denying the purple ink that lay in front of me when he handed it back.

For three, because again, I don't need/want that limelight to be shown my way.

For four, I believe that just upped the standard that I have to hold myself to... and I'm already SO tired.

So, please, turn that light somewhere else.  You're blinding me here!!