Giving to others is my compensation for not giving to myself

I *love* to make other  people's days.
Anything I can do to make someone laugh or smile, I will.
If someone is down and out, I'm there.

What I'm figuring out about myself... is that I am more than willing to do that for others... but have a hard time doing it for me.

I have heard repeatedly throughout the years - "You have to love yourself first before you can allow someone else to love you."

I guess that is why I am at a standstill with my relationships.
I don't truly believe I deserve to be treated well.
Don't get me wrong, I know I should want it.
I get it that I deserve it.
It's just that...I just am ready to clock out when someone actually wants to be that person for me. I seriously want to hyperventilate when a guy is nice to me.

I don't admit this to others in my daily life.
People that know me in real life that are reading right now are probably saying, "What??!!"
I'm great with saying, "Things are good" and having a smile on my face... and I believe it.  To me, things are good when I know I can control all the situations around me.

I was telling a friend the other day that I hated being Santa to myself.
I do it for my boys... to keep the Spirit of Giving alive... but in all reality I hate giving myself presents where I have to fake being surprised and excited for something I already know is there.

Then my friend did something for me that truly caught me off guard and made me cry.
They told me that when I told them that... about having to be my own Santa, that isn't how it should be... that someone who shows their care for others should have someone who shows care for them... and so they bought and surprised me with a Christmas gift.

I truly have great friends!!