Looking in

Throughout the course of dating, I have learned more about myself than ever before. Having to describe myself to others.
Having to explain why I am like I am.
Never before have I stopped to think why.
I just was.

When I describe these revelations to my friends, they are like, "Well, yeah!" like "Duh, Dawn, we already knew that."
My friends seem to know me better than I know myself.
I tend to share.
I tend to listen.
But listening to myself has just never come to truision.
Because looking in... looking in is hard.

I went to dinner with B.P. last night.
It wasn't planned, it just happened.
My Friday night date had fallen through.
My busy Saturday was busy... until it wasn't.

B.P. asked me where I would like to go for dinner.  I looked at him, laughed, and said, "You KNOW I have a decision making disorder!"

At dinner, I laughed at myself as I described how I tend to eavesdrop into other people's conversations. (following eavesdropping on a conversation)
He then asked me why I thought that was.
"Ha! I don't know."
But he didn't take that as an answer.
So, being forced to look inward, I did.

As a kid, I was quiet. (I know people never believe that now!)
Being quiet ensured I wouldn't reveal thngs. (my dad abusing my mom, having a father with a mental disorder, having divorced parents)
Because I was quiet, I did a lot of sitting and listening to other people's conversations.
Evesdropping, if you will.

And because of my quietness, I was never really asked my opinion.
Another look inward.
Not being asked, meant I didn't have to form an opinion.
So, in turn, I don't make decisions.

Now I guess the question is... how do I take this new found realizations and make me a better me?

“Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life- and it was you. It is not too late to find that person again."~Robert Brault