Peering through life's window

The icy weather closed everything around me down... and I'm fine with that.
Being trapped in my house where I have to stay in my pajamas and wrapped in a blanket isn't a bad thing in my eyes.

In fact, I enjoy it.

Sure... I miss my boys, but I know that I do a disservice to them come snowing/icy wintery days.  I want nothing to do with that outside nastiness.

So, when I got my call this morning that school was cancelled, I was happy to curl back into my cozy bed all the time knowing that my boys would get to hang out outside with their dad.

What I hadn't factored into my snow day was Ty's kids... you see, my boys know how much their momma despises the cold, but Ty's kids had to learn it today.

They just couldn't understand how I wouldn't want to go sledding.
(I like to sled in fluffy white snow when the wind isn't blowing, not across sleet when pelts of ice continuously hit you in the face. - I know. I know... I'm spoiled like that.)

So I promised to watch them through the window.

I don't know why... but I feel like I'm watching my life a lot through a window lately.
I guess it is because of the uncertainty of many things in my life right now.

1 - I have been asked to apply for a district tech position - One that I could realistically get... and it makes me want to hyperventilate because I know it is a great opportunity and it's more money... but I'm afraid I will miss my kids. I mean, like, really miss them.

2 - My cake decorating business has the potential to explode. I've been asked to advertise and been throwing around the idea of selling on Etsy. I have 3 orders in the next 4 weeks.  This all sounds great... and it is... but I'm not sure I'm ready to be that busy.

3 - Ty and I relationship is going great... and I'm sure most of you would wonder "Why is that a problem?" It's not... but it is.  I'm afraid... afraid that it is going to blow up and that I just can't see it.  My sister-in-law, LeaAnn asked me the other day if I thought that he and I would get married some day.  I couldn't give her a definite answer.  One reason I couldn't is because Ty's dad came home from his California trip telling of how he ran into an old friend and they asked about Ty and I. Ty's dad responded to them, "They are great, but I doubt Ty will ever get married again."
I realize those are Ty's dad's words and not Ty's...and I realize that we haven't even been dating 6 months yet, but I guess LeaAnn's words resounded in my ears when she asked, "I don't think you two should rush things, but do you think he will ever want to get married? and, if not, are you okay with that?"

and I can't honestly say that I am...
...but in the same breath, I like spending my snow days alone curled in a blanket doing nothing.

She is a different child... and for this I am glad

I feel like I have had all these things that I have wanted to sit down and say...
and yet, I haven't had the time.

No time for blogging... I suppose I should view that as a good thing... I mean, my life is filled with time with my man and my boys...  but my brain doesn't ever seem empty.

Blogging empties my brain.

So... here I am on a Friday night emptying my brain so I can sleep.

Last year, I went and talked to a second-grader because her dad was abusive and they had moved into a safe house. I was called upon because I had been there myself.

This year, I have that child.

I don't think of that day very often because she is a different child this year.
She is outgoing and spunky.
She is friendly and humorous.

...and it makes me wonder...
how she broke that shell so quickly?
And why I still feel like I am still some days breaking out of that barrier that I put that many years ago as a child.

Yes, I'm glad that she didn't have to make it to adulthood and still question her mother's decisions to go back repeatedly to an abusive man... and wonder if that is why her opinion of relationships is so poor... or if that came with her own wrongdoings.

No, I'm glad she isn't faced with all of that... because she is truly a different child.

character flaw

I don't take criticism well.
Sure... I will sit and take it while others are giving it...
In fact, I go silent. (Something learned early in my life.)
...but then it brews and festers in my brain.

I beat myself up about it.
I play and replay the scenario.
What could I have done differently?
Was I really in the wrong?
Can I make it right?
What if I don't make it right?
Is this how they view me all the time?

Question ...after question ...after question floods my brain.
Then the pit balls in my stomach.
I can't sleep because the unassurance doesn't stop.
And I just want to curl up in my bed and stay there.

But, we all know, staying there isn't reality.
Reality is having to face that person the next day
...when you are exhausted from lack of sleep
...and you aren't at your best
...which just makes the doubt even bigger.

Yeah... I don't take criticism well...

What makes them think *I'm* the one for the job??

I know I have made a name for myself...
I know I have become known as that teacher... You know... the one that straightens the naughties out and still loves them unconditionally.

I get that.
...because I do.

But it seems like the second grade teachers are putting dibs on me earlier and earlier each year.

Today (yes, it IS January!!) I was told by a second grade teacher that I had been chosen (I'll use that term lightly) for one of her students next year.

This little one is completely full of disrespect.
I see him in the bus line and my blood boils over some of the things he says and does.
...and I wonder...
Am I really the one he needs??

I mean, RW, despite wearing me out every day, is at least trying... She just can't control her impulses.
I don't see that effort from this child.

I'm not one to judge the book by its cover...
but right now, this is not a book I'm interested in diving into and getting to know better.

...and honestly, I'm kind of disappointed in myself... because I enjoy a good challenge... and I know when I don't have a challenge, I feel like this...
But right now... I think I would take that over him.

Today he left without a kiss...

I know it is just something small...
but it was BIG to me.

We don't ever leave each other without kissing and saying good-bye.
I fretted all morning.

Finally I texted, "Are we okay??"
He immediately called.

He said he was sorry, that he didn't want to wake me, since he knew I didn't have to get up early today.
I told him to please always wake me for a kiss.

Tonight, as he was leaving, he said, "Always kiss her no matter what - even if it means you have to wake her... and Always feed her before she gets too hungry...  Okay. I'm learning.  Slowly... but I'm learning."

It made me smile.
This is what I have needed from someone all along... someone to know what I need without me telling them. 

Who knew it would spread so quickly?

My principal came up to me and said, " What did you do to R.W.? She has changed. Seriously. She is like a different kid."

I don't know why... but I got completely embarrassed.
I then shared my little secret of the 'I love you' squeeze.

My principal then hugged me and said, "Giving them what they need... that's what I love about you.  You have probably forever changed her."

Our computer teacher was listening into our conversation and piped up and said that she had seen R.W. in the hallway yesterday and (knowing how naughty she can be) she asked her if she could join her in walking back to my classroom.  R.W. quickly grabbed her hand, squeezed three times, and said, "This is mine and my teacher's special 'I love you' squeeze."

I guess I never really thought about how something so small could mean so much... and others would notice so quickly.

Laugh until your body aches, cry until you start to shake

I have been a wave of emotion this weekend.
Trust me, it was all prompted... but still.

This afternoon, Colby kept zerberting (blowing raspberries) on my belly. I couldn't stop laughing. If fact, I laughed until I cried...for a solid ten minutes.

Then I watched these videos... One after the other, I cried... and cried... and cried some more.


I think I must have needed some cleansing.