character flaw

I don't take criticism well.
Sure... I will sit and take it while others are giving it...
In fact, I go silent. (Something learned early in my life.)
...but then it brews and festers in my brain.

I beat myself up about it.
I play and replay the scenario.
What could I have done differently?
Was I really in the wrong?
Can I make it right?
What if I don't make it right?
Is this how they view me all the time?

Question ...after question ...after question floods my brain.
Then the pit balls in my stomach.
I can't sleep because the unassurance doesn't stop.
And I just want to curl up in my bed and stay there.

But, we all know, staying there isn't reality.
Reality is having to face that person the next day
...when you are exhausted from lack of sleep
...and you aren't at your best
...which just makes the doubt even bigger.

Yeah... I don't take criticism well...

What makes them think *I'm* the one for the job??

I know I have made a name for myself...
I know I have become known as that teacher... You know... the one that straightens the naughties out and still loves them unconditionally.

I get that.
...because I do.

But it seems like the second grade teachers are putting dibs on me earlier and earlier each year.

Today (yes, it IS January!!) I was told by a second grade teacher that I had been chosen (I'll use that term lightly) for one of her students next year.

This little one is completely full of disrespect.
I see him in the bus line and my blood boils over some of the things he says and does.
...and I wonder...
Am I really the one he needs??

I mean, RW, despite wearing me out every day, is at least trying... She just can't control her impulses.
I don't see that effort from this child.

I'm not one to judge the book by its cover...
but right now, this is not a book I'm interested in diving into and getting to know better.

...and honestly, I'm kind of disappointed in myself... because I enjoy a good challenge... and I know when I don't have a challenge, I feel like this...
But right now... I think I would take that over him.

Today he left without a kiss...

I know it is just something small...
but it was BIG to me.

We don't ever leave each other without kissing and saying good-bye.
I fretted all morning.

Finally I texted, "Are we okay??"
He immediately called.

He said he was sorry, that he didn't want to wake me, since he knew I didn't have to get up early today.
I told him to please always wake me for a kiss.

Tonight, as he was leaving, he said, "Always kiss her no matter what - even if it means you have to wake her... and Always feed her before she gets too hungry...  Okay. I'm learning.  Slowly... but I'm learning."

It made me smile.
This is what I have needed from someone all along... someone to know what I need without me telling them. 

Who knew it would spread so quickly?

My principal came up to me and said, " What did you do to R.W.? She has changed. Seriously. She is like a different kid."

I don't know why... but I got completely embarrassed.
I then shared my little secret of the 'I love you' squeeze.

My principal then hugged me and said, "Giving them what they need... that's what I love about you.  You have probably forever changed her."

Our computer teacher was listening into our conversation and piped up and said that she had seen R.W. in the hallway yesterday and (knowing how naughty she can be) she asked her if she could join her in walking back to my classroom.  R.W. quickly grabbed her hand, squeezed three times, and said, "This is mine and my teacher's special 'I love you' squeeze."

I guess I never really thought about how something so small could mean so much... and others would notice so quickly.

Laugh until your body aches, cry until you start to shake

I have been a wave of emotion this weekend.
Trust me, it was all prompted... but still.

This afternoon, Colby kept zerberting (blowing raspberries) on my belly. I couldn't stop laughing. If fact, I laughed until I cried...for a solid ten minutes.

Then I watched these videos... One after the other, I cried... and cried... and cried some more.


I think I must have needed some cleansing.

The 'I love you' squeeze

When I was a kid, my mom would slide her hand into mine and give three quick little squeezes.  I don't remember her ever coming out and telling us that it meant 'I love you', but I do remember her whispering it into my ear sometimes as she squeezed.

I loved it when she did it!

A lot of times, it was when we were in a room full of people.  I was a shy kid and just knowing we had our own little secret message would make me feel loved and secure.

I, of course, have passed the 'I love you' squeeze onto my boys. (it makes me think of my mom every time I do it.)

Colby has created his own little version where he squeezes 4 times back for 'I love you too.'  Other times he comes back with multiple squeezes and I have to ask what the message was because he squeezes many more than 4.  He will then whisper it into my ear.  I always giggle because it is something long that I would never get... even if I guessed.

This year I have a student, who makes sure I earn my paycheck, yet I love dearly.  She doesn't have the greatest home life (her mom died when she was young), so I try to share as much love with her as possible.  I give her hugs (along with my other students), but she needs that love to be taken a step further.  She hugs me and kisses my cheek and tells me she loves me.  I have never had a student kiss me before... at first I was taken back and embarrassed... but then I realized she needs to show that love and know it's okay.  She had also gotten in the habit of shouting, "I love you Ms. T!!!" no matter if we were in the classroom or in the hall.  So, this week, I introduced her the the 'I love you' squeeze.

I never thought I would share this special thing with a student... I had always imagined that it would be that special thing just for me and my own kiddos...

But this week as she shouted to me down the line in the hallway, I walked up to her and whispered in her ear and said, "This is a special secret squeeze I used with my boys so we can tell each other that we love each other without saying a word.  It's called the 'I love you' squeeze and it is just 3 squeezes." and I squeezed her hand 3 times.

Every time I walked passed her for the rest of the week, she would grab my hand and squeeze three times.

I have a feeling that I will be getting a lot more of them the rest of the school year... and I also have a feeling she will pass this tradition down one day to her own children.  I hope she thinks of me when she does.

the first of many?

I didn't ring in the new year at a big bash with lots of people.
Just he and I.

He brought me a glass of wine, kissed me on my lips, and held up his glass to cheers.
"Here's to the first of many!"

I smirked.
...because this is how I had always imagined it...
...being with the one I loved...
...knowing just being together was enough...
...and wishing to be together for many years to come.