You're good enough, You're smart enough, and Dog-gone-it people like you

I'm having to build myself up.
I don't know why I have to have self-talk... but I do.
I can't just jump in, both feet, all willy-nilly into something tough.

I have to think... and plan... and practice.

I did this before I got the courage up to go tell my principal that I'm an island in my grade-level this year. (now that my bestie has changed grades)
I can work with anyone, but being allowed  to be part of the team is a completely different side of the story.
I'm not part of a team this year.
I teach in a room that is located next to other people who are teaching.

Don't get me wrong... what's going on in my room is wonderful!!
I have such a great group this year!

But those people that inhabit the rooms surrounding mine... They are the vast ocean... and I am an island.

We are going through a lot of curriculum changes this year.
I have actually started to wrap my head around it.
I have came to my group with suggestions that would make things easier... better.
I get shot down.

I go and talk to the other grade levels.
I hear, "That's a great idea!" or "Yep. That's what we're doing."


But not from my "team".
Nope.
I get "That's not what I want to do..."Or "That's not how we've always done it" (Did I mention we are making changes??)

So I brought it to the attention to my principal.
I was told "Be Brave. Stand up to them. Tell them you have every right for your voice to be heard. You just have to be brave."


So tomorrow (God help me) I plan to do just that.

For those of you that know me... you know I don't like to rock the boat.
I truly don't see it solving any of my problems.
But my principal doesn't believe in helping if you aren't willing to help yourself.
I have to show her that I am willing...

Then I have to figure out a way to convince her that I would be better elsewhere next year...because I don't think I can survive another year with the mean girl... as long as I'm an island.

The dynamics of a friendship

Why are people brought into our lives?
What makes them stick around?

These are questions that swirl through my brain on a regular basis.
I'm always analyzing and reanalyzing (and over-analyzing) the people in my life.

I look back and think, "huh... Thank God they were here.  I really needed that today."
and I really think that's it.

God sends people into our lives when we really need them.

I have a friend who I maybe touch base with once every few months.  Our lives used to be connected because of work and now they aren't.  We got together and went for a walk the other day.  I told them about all the craziness of my life.  They listened... like they always do.

I then asked about their spouse who is sick.  All the tests have came back negative and they don't have any answers.  It's not a subject that we normally go into depth on because there are just so many unanswered questions. I let them voice their fears.  We were just talking and walking.  The conversation moved onto the beauty of the fall trees and work and kids.

Afterwards, I thought how wonderful it was to get their insight on the things that are stressing me out...how they always seem to have a different way of viewing a situation and how I really needed that advice right now..

Today I got a phone call... them thanking me.. for creating some time where they didn't have to think about the illness and the unknowns.

I told them... I didn't know I was doing that... I was just talking and walking.
But I guess that's what good friends are all about... knowing how to help ... just by being there.

How a stress ball can cause you stress

You see these??

yeah. They are homemade stress balls.
They sell them at my boys school as a fund raiser.

Kids are stressed... I guess they need stress balls, right?
I mean, what's the harm.
Little balloon. Little flour. No biggie, right?

Sure... it's all good.
That is until your son decides to (instead of squeezing the stress ball) stretches the stress ball.

Did you know that stress balls, that are stretched too far, explode? sending flour all over the black interior of your new car??
Yep.
It's true.

Needless to say... I need something a little more than a stress ball right now

Sometimes you just have to let your inner ROCK STAR out!!

It's Red Ribbon Week (Drug-free) at school.
Yesterday was "Band against drugs" - wear a bandanna.
I was told repeatedly that I looked like a pirate.

I started answering people with things like, "Shiver me timbers. Me seems to have a scalleywag. Maybe ye should just walk de plank."  

Yeah... it's okay.  My students are finally used to my weird sense of humor...they took it all in stride.

Today was Rock Star day - Be a Rock star, don't do drugs! (yeah... cause we all know rock stars and drugs don't mix.)

Now maybe I haven't told you all this...
But I was meant to be a Rock Star.

yep.
It's true.
(Not the drug taking kind, mind you)


So when I came dressed like this today...

it was no surprise to my students when they said, "Ms. T!!  You're a rock star!!"
To which I replied, "Now come on... you know I'm a rock star every day! ...I just chose to dress like one today."

What??!!  You know you wish you could tell people things like that!!
Aw, come on.  Show me your inner rock star!!

When the student surpasses the teacher... it's a wake up call

I had a wonderful weekend!
DP and I went for a hike and saw all the trees changing colors

But the thing that made this the best weekend is that Colby and I ran our first 5k together!!
Now, let me tell you that when I was running all the time during the summer, Colby trained with me.
Then school started.
I stopped running... not intentionally, mind you.
I just got busy with the rest of life.
So, my times of running turned from every other day to twice a week... to once a week... and then to not at all.
Friends of mine were hosting this 5k.
I told them I would run in it so Colby and their son could run it as well.
No one told me that lack of running + two 8 year olds undying energy = me coming in 4 minutes behind my son.
Yep.
Colby beat me.
I knew it would happen one day... just didn't know that day would be so soon!

I'm SO proud of him!!

Next goal... to keep up with him... and maybe surpass him. ;)

Broken

I used to think I was broken.
I used to think that there must be a reason why the men I loved walked all over me.
I didn't get it... I loved them more than I loved myself... and yet, it didn't seem like even a mere passing thought when they were crushing my soul, my world, as they walked out of my life.

I used to think that I was broken.
I knew now that I wasn't broken then...

I am, however, broken now.
I see myself closed.
Closed to love.
Closed to allow someone to get close.
Closed to giving my all in a relationship.

I used to think that I was broken.
That was then.
This is now.
Now... I know, I truly am broken.

What channel is ESP on again?

So I went to a military ball with DP…

As we were driving to the base, we turned down this road...  A road I had seen in one of my dreams before.  It really freaked me out because in this particular dream, when we came to the crossroads, a diesel truck sideswiped my car.  

I reminded DP of my dream.  

He was sweet in making sure he took the crossroads with care. 

Thankfully we didn’t come across any pumpkin patches (which was the next part of my dream.)

The thing is… I couldn’t get it out of my head all weekend.

I’ve been having a LOT of occurrences lately where my sixth sense has been kicking in… and then something significant has been happening because of my reaction to it.

Makes me wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t had SUCH a strong reaction/remembrance of my dream…

Double Whammy! ~Post-It Note Tuesday

When you just wish the world knew you were thinking without saying it

My friend, Angela, called me the other night.
She was worried about me since I haven't been blogging.
(I know... sad that this is how my friends know that I'm still kickin'... but it works :)

I haven't been blogging because I have had a week-long headache... that and I'm mentally discombobulated. My brain isn't producing complete thoughts... and when it does, I'm not sure they make sense.

I know part of this has to do with D.P. - not knowing where I stand with being with him.

He's not a stupid guy...
We had a date last night.
He brought up the topic of being distance... from his perspective..."I'm sorry if I have been distance lately.  Everything with work..."


But see... I'm not stupid either.
I knew he was opening a door for me.
So I took it.

I told him that him "being distant" lately has been a good thing for me... that all of this "together" time is overwhelming for me.  That I need my me time... that I have never been in a relationship where the guy was there all the time.

He told me he was glad that I told him... that he couldn't seem to get a read on me.... but that it made sense to him now.

I thought that conversation would make me miraculously wake up this morning and my headache would be gone... but it's not.

I know it's not because I should have said all that I am feeling to D.P. and I didn't.
I'm not good at starting hard conversations.
I don't like to hurt other people's feelings.
Unfortunately... that's what's gonna happen.

Why I keep her around

She not stupid... that best friend of mine.
That's why I like her.
She has an intuitiveness about her.
Her insight serves me well even when I don't know I need it.

Yep... That's why I keep her around...
that... and she thinks I'm funny.

yeah...

Your arms wrap around me and I sink into you.
It's a feeling of comfort... feeling secure.
We tell each other we feel like family.
I love my family.
I do love you... in that sense.

However...
it feels like we are crossing a line.
A line that can't be crossed.
You can't cross it.
I can't cross it.
But as I sink into you... into the comfort of you...
I think a line might have just been crossed...

Where to go from here

You ever have that sense that even though things are going right... they aren't right for you?

I don't have any true complaints about D.P.

He's as nice of a guy as they come.
He thinks about me and cares about me.
My friends like him...

In my brain, I know he is the type of guy I should be with.

However...
My heart isn't where my brain is at.
I like to talk to him... but I don't miss him when I don't.
I like to spend time with him... but my "me" time is just as good.

I'm afraid the only reason I haven't moved on is because I like the idea of him.
Trust me... I know that's not fair to him...
but I don't want to hurt him.
I just don't know where to go from here...