I am searching for something that just isn't there.
I look back on my life and the person I was when I was younger has faded and gone.
When I was a teenager, I had such strong faith in God. A faith that was unyielding to others' denouncements. A faith that pushed me to stay on the straight and narrow that was expected. But also a faith that made me believe that those who do wrong, are just that, wrong.
In college, my faith and my morals were still strong. I went to a Christian college and was surrounded by people who believed. Yet, somehow I found one man in the mist of all these faithful men and that is who I chose to date and then eventually marry. A man that continued to promise me that he would join me in church, but never did.
Also, during this time, my mother was killed in a car wreck. My faith dwindled greatly during this time. I could not see how God could take someone from this world when there were so many people here that depended upon her.
I was raised that you go to church as a family, so because R. didn't go, I didn't go. Once Colby was born, I started to take him, but the church by our house was small. I didn't like to answer (and make excuses) why my husband was not attending services with me and my son.
So I stopped going. I stopped going to be amongst people that I was afraid would judge me.
As my world crumbled around me and my divorce came to fruition, I humbly began going back to church. I solely went back to have some normalcy in my life. To ask God for some light on this dark and lonely path I was on.
Then I began to date Spencer. Another man who was not actively living a Christian life(even though he had had faith at one time, no longer did) . Again, I fell away from attending church. If I had to choose between being at church or being with Spencer, Spencer won each and every time.
Since my break up with Spencer, that has become a requirement for the men I date. So far I have done well.
But as I sat in church by myself this morning, (which I have never done before, if I don't have my boys, I don't go.) all I wanted to do was cry.
Cry for the faith that I have lost.
Cry because everyone sitting around me is a couple.
Cry because even though I was sitting amongst hundreds, I felt completely alone.
I know my faith is supposed to fill me with comfort for the times when we feel alone, for with God, you are never truly alone. But today, I just felt alone.
So, I asked God to remind me of the things for which I should be thankful. I sat in church reminding myself that even though I may not have all that my heart desires, I still have so much.
I have children... children who love me and who will forever be a part of my life.
I have a home... a nice home that is above and beyond what I deserve.
I have a job... a job I love and what more could I ask for then to go to work daily doing what I love.
I have friends... friends that are honest and truthful and stand beside me through the good and bad.
I have family... a family that even though we are so quirky and odd sometimes, we are quirky and odd together, and that is what makes us great.
And with that, I asked God for strength.
Strength for my faith that has wavered so over the last 15 years.
Strength for taking on this realization and actually doing something about it.
Strength for being patient and receiving a Christian man in God's time.
Strength for appreciating a closed door as it can lead to an opened window.
I don't normally speak about my faith in God. I guess I have felt that for someone who feels so unsure of herself in her walk with God, maybe it isn't safe to share it with others. But I'm seeing now, that being unsure is what leads us to God and others whom we can lean upon when the path is not clear.