I took on more than a moment of self-reflection today. Sawyer called me tonight to ask about his MoJo. He wanted to know what I and his ex-girlfriend had done to him to make him irresistible to women...beautiful women. I explained to him that it wasn't what we had done at all - in fact, it was more with what he did for us. He built us up where we were insecure the most (and not in a degrading way). (For me, that would be my appearance. Accepting I am beautiful. I mean when I look in the mirror and I'm dressed nice, I know I look good, but I don't think to myself, "Damn, girl, you're hot!")
And that is how we got on the topic of me - off Sawyer onto me. He told me that I just needed to accept the fact... unless I wanted to stop exercising and start eating Twinkies. I said, "No. I don't even like Twinkies." "Then you better get used to it!" He tells me. (He then has to get off the phone - leaving me thinking.)
Why don't I have that self-confidence I supposedly should have? As I sit back and reflect, this is what I have come up with so far:
1. I didn't grow up around family that told me, "Oh, you're so pretty, gorgeous, etc." (They told me they loved me and they would do anything in the world for me, but they were not complimentary.) And now that I have guys complimenting me, I almost feel as if they are blowing smoke... To get something. (I know, I know...it's the insecurity talking!)
2. Self-confident vs. Vainity - I have never wanted someone to view me as vain (Laser tells me "Vain is someone who thinks they are hot") and in the pursuit to avoid becoming vain, I have miss the confidence boat.
3. I have never felt I was good enough - not in my looks, not in my relationships, not in my job. I guess that's why as a teacher I work so hard because I am always trying to prove myself - to whom? I don't know...
I want to become someone who walks with her head held high (and turns the heads of a few men :) but not become a stuck up bitch who thinks she is all that.
So how do I go about this change... To gain this self-confidence without losing who I view as me? A caring, loving, (even goofy) individual.
Surfing Sunday 12.10
15 hours ago