How we hide the hurt inside

My boys are gone for the week with their dad to Minnesota.
I miss them.

Most of my friends are gone for Christmas break.
I miss them.

I don't know if you would say that I'm depressed... but I'm definitely in a funk.

I went to deliver some clothes that Sam had grown out of to a friend of mine.

We talked (and cried) about how our divorces have changed us and the lives we once knew... how we never thought we would be spending holidays alone... how we might be spending the rest of our holidays alone.

Depressing, I know.

I don't normally let this hurt show.
I normally bury it deep within ...because no one wants to hear about your hurt.

But today, it is up on the surface and raw.
...because I'm taking down Christmas.
... because I'm feeling a little lonely and a little nostalgic.

So forgive me that I don't have a quick witted story to share today... it's just not in me.

The Biggest Loser

I have spent some of my Christmas break catching up on my DVR'd shows... one being The Biggest Loser.

I have learned a lot about myself while watching these.
Don't get me wrong...I don't have weight problem. I eat right. I try to work out.
What I have learned is that I don't think highly of myself.

I think I need a life coach.

I think I need a Bob Harper telling me to straighten my sh*t out... and making sure I do.
I need someone to make sure I'm not thinking of myself as the biggest loser...

Giving to others is my compensation for not giving to myself

I *love* to make other  people's days.
Anything I can do to make someone laugh or smile, I will.
If someone is down and out, I'm there.

What I'm figuring out about myself... is that I am more than willing to do that for others... but have a hard time doing it for me.

I have heard repeatedly throughout the years - "You have to love yourself first before you can allow someone else to love you."

I guess that is why I am at a standstill with my relationships.
I don't truly believe I deserve to be treated well.
Don't get me wrong, I know I should want it.
I get it that I deserve it.
It's just that...I just am ready to clock out when someone actually wants to be that person for me. I seriously want to hyperventilate when a guy is nice to me.

I don't admit this to others in my daily life.
People that know me in real life that are reading right now are probably saying, "What??!!"
I'm great with saying, "Things are good" and having a smile on my face... and I believe it.  To me, things are good when I know I can control all the situations around me.

I was telling a friend the other day that I hated being Santa to myself.
I do it for my boys... to keep the Spirit of Giving alive... but in all reality I hate giving myself presents where I have to fake being surprised and excited for something I already know is there.

Then my friend did something for me that truly caught me off guard and made me cry.
They told me that when I told them that... about having to be my own Santa, that isn't how it should be... that someone who shows their care for others should have someone who shows care for them... and so they bought and surprised me with a Christmas gift.

I truly have great friends!!

Seven

I had a dream last night that I went to a BIG company Christmas party where I was a guest. 
I met a man named Seven.  (He name was very significant in my dream)
He caught my eye, but even more so, I caught his.
We met in the buffet line and after returning to my seat I discussed him with my friends.  They told me that he and I would be a perfect match.

Later in the dream, he came and sat beside me and we got to know each other. I don't remember what we discussed, but I know it was in-depth.

In the end, he left with a car full of his drunk buddies and I was disappointed with not being able to spend more of my night with him.

As most of you know, I like to interpret my dreams.

Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music and attainment of high spirituality.

Ghost of Christmas Past meet Ghost of Christmas Future

Christmas has always been a special time for me... but it has also been a hard time for me.
My mom was killed in a car wreck on December 27, 1997 and because of that, it is so very important to me to spend Christmas with my boys.
Thankfully, I have an ex-husband who gets that.


You see... my Christmas morning consists of: My boys waking up, them waking me up, me calling their dad(my ex, R.) and his parents.  Then they all drive over. We watch the boys open presents. We make breakfast together and spend the morning together.  


It's just what we have always done.
It's what I hope we always do.


I'm not trying to hold onto what I used to have.
I'm trying to savor what I still have.


I still have two beautiful boys.
I still have ex in-laws that love and care about me very much.
I still have an ex that sees the importance of me having my boys on Christmas morning.


I'm also trying to prepare for the future.


You see... I spent the day with my ex's family, and my ex, and his girlfriend.
I already know this is how my future Christmases will be.
... and I'm okay with that.


Hopefully, one day, I will have a man by my side that is understanding of this crazy extended family that I call my own and know how much happiness that it brings me that everyone is as okay with it as I am.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be

I've done a lot of talking to friends lately about "how it was supposed to be".


My group of girl friends (that I have known for the past 12 years and have been getting together with for the past 9 1/2) sat at our Girls' Night Out and recounted how our lives did not turn out how we expected.


Almost ten years ago, when we first started getting together, two out of the four of us were newlyweds, one was still single, and one had a young family.  

Now three out of the four of us are divorced. 

Within that ten year span, we have experienced miscarriages, infertility, adoption, births of babies, infidelity, divorces, dating, children getting pregnant, getting married again, etc... the list seems to go on and on and on.

We have had talks of wedding planning, marriage advice, sex, having babies, breastfeeding, child rearing, men, cheating, the best divorce lawyers, which counselor to see, who we are dating, who we wished we were dating, the things we are looking for in a man, sex, sex, and more sex.

We have laughed and cried.

We have done more crying than we thought we ever would.

We have learned to make each other laugh when our lives seemed to be crumbling around us.

We have leaned on each other when we knew we couldn't be honest with anyone else for fear of judgement.

It's been a long rough road.

We decided that it was a good thing that our former selves didn't know what path lie ahead of them.

We knew that we may not have wanted to go on this journey had we known.

But we are glad that our friendship has endured through it all

I REALLY don't think I'm a hoarder

I'm being serious... I really don't think I am!

(First step: admitting you have a problem - FAIL)


You see... I don't hold onto everything... just things that I think MIGHT one day have good use.
I tend to keep clothes in my closet for years.


(Wait. Wait. let me explain.)


I tend have a style all my own... old things tend to show up into new outfits.

I also tend to save random things that seem they would have no use on their own, but show up later in
fantastical creations of my own.

(Yes. I did just use the word 'fantastical' )


For example:
Who knew that back in 2007 when Colby was Captain Hook

PLUS


My needing to be in a sterile 'bunny suit' for Colby's tonsil surgery in 2010

(Yeah... okay. I didn't have to wear the ears... but the nurses called it a "Bunny Suit" and I was trying to make Colby laugh even though he was in pain... It's what moms do.)

would lead to This Frosty outfit in 2011???

See???
Who said hoarding was a bad thing??