Who knew circles could be so scary?

So I went to get my diagnostic mammogram today...
I've prayed... SO many prayers...  Many of them just for comfort.
I have cried every day since last Wednesday.
I have seen how horrible cancer is to families... to moms with young kids...

I decided that after telling Todd and R. and seeing their reactions that I needed to limit the worry, so the only other person I told was my principal... and only out of necessity.

When the tech brought me into the exam room, she showed me my scans.
There they were... circles...
Six circles on each breast.
SIX! On. EACH. one!

She described how these were the areas of concern and that she would be taking multiple scans and if the doctor didn't get all of the answers she wanted, she would come and take more scans.

By the last few scans, I was placing myself into the machine.  The tech joked, "What you think you're a pro now?"
I smiled and said, "Just a fast learner."
I already knew this wasn't something I wanted to be good at...

After she was done, she sent me back to the waiting room.
Waiting sucks.
There were probably 4 or 5 other women waiting too.
No one made eye contact.
Eye contact is intimate. Eye contact can reveal things.
As we all sat in our hospital gowns...This was not a place for eye contact.

Finally they called my name.
The doctor shook my hand.
She said, "You had lots of areas of concern.  Have you had any areas of tenderness on your breasts lately?

You know those times when your brain is lagging behind and it takes a while for you to process what someone is saying to you??
That was me.
I think I was mentally preparing myself not to lose it... Then she was asking me a question.
All I could do was shake my head no.

"Good.  I was hoping not." She said. "I have examined your scans extensively and despite how hard I looked, I couldn't find anything."

Again, it took me a minute.

"So I'm good?"

"Yep." she said smiling. "These are the kind of meetings I like to have."

For all the stress I've been through lately, I think I would like to forgo all meetings... Esp. ones with circles.

floating downstream

So... first off, I know Facebook isn't private.
Not totally anyways.

But what I didn't know is that if I post something onto a public forum page, it will show up in my feed for others to read.

...and here's how my story begins...

So... I follow this public forum where the curator every so often posts - "Right Here. Right now. Tell me the 100% truth"

So I did.

I typed "The guy I'm dating mentioned me being his wife tonight... And I'm scared because we have only dated a month."

Well... guess what.  T doesn't spend a whole lot of time on FB... but as my fate has it, he logged on RIGHT after I posted that and that was the FIRST thing in his news feed.

I found it strange that he was calling me so late.

But this is the kind of guy that he is... He told me why he was calling (yes, I was completely embarrassed!!) then he explained that he had said that tongue in cheek (which I knew he had) and then he gave me a scenario.

He said,  "When we are fighting against our past fears, it is like we are trying to swim upstream. It's hard. We wear ourselves out. But when we roll over onto our back and look forward, it's like we are floating downstream.  It's easy and it takes us to where we are meant to be."

So... here's to floating downstream.

Belief has been FULLY restored!

My son, Colby, is nine and in the fourth grade.
Fourth grade seems to be the age that most kids stop believing in Santa. I know, because I taught fourth grade for five years and it broke my heart every year to have students share with their peers how he wasn't real.

Colby had a friend explain to him how he wasn't real last year.  Colby looked at me with questioning eyes.  Later that night, Sam got a video email from Santa telling him to be nice to Colby because "Santa is watching!"  That was enough to pull Colby back onto the "belief" train.

But this year.. this year I could already see it happening.  Anytime Santa was mentioned, Colby just kind of rolled his eyes.  I felt like I was just going to have to let it go that he was no longer a believer... a little part of me saddened.

So, Thursday night, I took the boys to our local amusement park to see the parade and Santa, like I do every year.  We arrived just as the parade started, so we ran towards where it would end so we wouldn't miss any of it and so we would also be close to where Santa would go afterwards.

We found and open spot and here came Santa in his sleigh. Santa was waving to all of the boys and girls as he past them. Then he got to us.  Santa leaned over and pointed right at Colby and said, "MY you have grown a LOT in the last year!"
Colby looked at me, his eyes widening, and shouted, "Mom!  He remembers me!!"
I smiled and nodded.

Belief has been FULLY restored ... at least for one more year.

Floating on Cloud 8 ... cause I'm not quite to Cloud 9 yet

I finally feel like my summer has started!!
Besides flashing people relaxing on the house boat on the 4th, I went floating this weekend and I went on a date. (Yep. You heard me... a date)

First the float trip...
The float trip was unlike any that I have ever been on... or hope to be on ever again.  I think we found the only float-able river in the state of Missouri along with a few thousand other people.

It was like Marti Gras... meet the people of Walmart... meet drunken frat party.
Seriously.
There were more boobies being shown by women that had no reason to be showing anything... to boys (yes, and I mean boys) that shouldn't have had access to Marti Gras beads in the first place.

I was overjoyed elated SOOOO happy that the boys did not get to come along!!  Because I spent my day coming up new distraction techniques to keep Laura and Bill's 5 year old daughter from seeing things she should not be. "Look Bella!  Did you see that turtle? Over here! Look over here!  He just peeked his head up. Did you see it? Keep looking... I'm sure he will peek up again."

Yeah... it's a good thing I love these two (Laura and Bill) that I care for the well being of their daughter. :)

So... the date.
He's a nice normal guy (from what I can tell so far.)
We have the same sense of humor.
But what I like about him the most so far... is that I told him that I want to take it slow and he is respecting that... even though he may not want to.
That's what I think I need right now.

My mind (and heart) is not ready for something over the top serious right now. So if he can remember to keep cooling his jets, he will get further than if he tries to push things along.
So... we'll see...

It only takes a spark to get a fire going

Let me start out by saying that I'm not some über religious person. I believe in God and Jesus and in living my life right.  I don't have any desire to push my religious beliefs on you... or for you to do that to me.  I am involved just enough in my church to feel like I play a part.  I guess you could say that I have a very lax attitude when it comes to my church life.

I haven't always been this way.  I can remember in high school being on fire for Jesus.  I wanted anyone and everyone to come to church and youth group with  me. I truly  had that love and wanted to share it.

However, that "feeling" hasn't been part of me for a long time....  but I truly believe things happen for a reason.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me to join a committee at church.  Our pastor retired a couple months back and a planning committee was being formed to decide what our church's needs and wants are.

You see... I go to my church. I enjoy the people of my church. But I don't feel like my church meets all of my needs.  Do I complain?  Well, no.  That's not my nature. It's also not my nature to quit something just because my needs aren't met (Guess that's why I stayed in my marriage - but that is here nor there now)  Once I'm committed, I'm there for the long haul. And up until now... I had never been asked my opinion about how I viewed the workings of my church.

Tonight was eye opening for me.
I saw that others saw the same short comings as I did.
The same reasons I have been hesitant to give myself fully to my church are the same reasons why others have pulled away.

It's strangely liberating.

We have decided we aren't going to sit idly by any more... that this is our church!  So, in moving forward, we are going to make it the best one yet and we are going to get someone in the pastoral position that feels the same way.

There might be a spark left in me after all...