Age 17

 I don't often think of when I was 17... In fact, if I did take the time to think about it... I would probably say that I was pretty carefree, more responsible than most, and proud of who I was and spent my time around.

However, when I *DO* think of the age of 17, I think of my youngest brother, Nick, because that is the age he was when our mother died...

This is also the age my youngest son, Sam, is now...I simply can't imagine not being here for him. 

It honestly makes me weep if I think about it.

My mother's death was sudden - a car crash on icy roads.  I fully understand there is never a "good" time to die - to leave your children... but to me, age 17 is not it. 

At age 17, you are no longer a child, but you are also not an adult.  There is still SO much you have to learn about life and love and family.

At age 17, your biggest concerns should be college visits, school dances, and Friday night football games... Not burying your mother. Not carrying the burden of her death. Not being alone.

...I jokingly tell my children that I'm going to live to be 105 because by that time they will be ready for me to go... that and because it's not 17.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory Grief... When I read these words today, they made SO much sense to me.
This.
This is what my husband is experiencing right now and I don't know how to help him.

When my mom died, it was sudden, unexpected.
Todd's dad has been fighting cancer almost the entire time he and I have been together.  In fact, I think he got diagnosed like 3 months into our relationship... So honestly, I haven't known Ben "cancer-free".

What I do know is that he has been a fighter and has never really seemed like he was "dying"... That is until now.

Todd, however, has been experiencing anticipatory grief for a while now.  He spends EVERY free second trying to make things perfect for his dad to the point of complete exhaustion.  He wants to spend every free second by his dad's side even though his barely opens his eyes now.

I, of course, don't deny him spending that time over at his parent's house, but also don't know how to "help" Todd through this process.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a monster creeping down the dark empty alleyway of your mind...
...waiting for the perfect moment to pounce...
...To let you know that security you felt, that confidence you had... It wasn't real.

Charismatic

My mother used to tell me that when I was a child (especially when I was a baby), I was charismatic.

She said it was like people couldn't help themselves but to be drawn to me and I would reward them with a soft easy smile that would draw them in even more.

I can remember being in 5th grade and that charisma eased a transition between school districts.

It has served me well in many facets of my life... Making friends with strangers, sharing a laugh and a kind word.

However, some days, I feel like maybe it's like a shiny penny that just isn't that shiny any more...  like I've lost my shiny charisma...

Some days I find myself drawing inward.  I can almost feel myself sucking that easy-going aura out of the room into a dark, lonely place that no one wants to be around.

I fight it though. 
I fight the dull.
I fight for the shiny... and the easy-going... and the drawing others in... because I know it's in me... its part of me.
I just have to remind myself ... I'm Charismatic

The Dance of Insomnia

Another late night where sleep eludes me...
...Nothing but the humming, humming of the appliances.
Wishing, wanting that hum to lull me to sleep.

But no.

Instead my brain reels... Planning for another day.
Fixated on things that cannot be done or undone in these late hours.

I wait...
Wait out these thoughts... while the ringing in my ears grows louder and louder because it's JUST. SO. QUIET... I can't even hear myself think!

Hours pass by... and slowly, so very slowly, a dance begins between the humming and the ringing.
... This dance soothes my thoughts into nothingness. 
Allowing the elusive sleep to waft in and join me.

Alive again

All I could do was try to keep living until I felt alive again.

I'm becoming my mother

I don't think of my mother every day... but how she raised my brothers and me is just ingrained and sometimes it leaks out... and that makes me think of her.

I laugh because sometimes when I'm frustrated or caught off guard, I shout things like, "Boy howdy"  or "Oh for Pete's sake"  or  "By golly"  or "Heavens to Betsy"
My friends get a kick out of these... But they came from my my mother's desire for us kids not to cuss.  She used to wash out my mouth with Dial soap when I said things like, "Gosh darn it"  or "Jeez" because they were TOO close to using the Lord's name in vain.

Another thing she taught us (without telling us) was how to say "Good morning" ... Now this wasn't just any Good Morning...  This is with buttery warmth that the person you are saying it to doesn't even have to look at you to know you are smiling with happiness in your heart as you say it.

This buttery warm "Good morning" came out of me this morning... to the "friend" that has not been kind to me lately.  I had not planned to say it... It just came out.  On top of it, it came out sounding just like my mother!

As I walked past out of the door, the weight of it hit me.  That was my mother that said that.  THAT was something she would have totally done.  Been sweet and buttery when anyone else would have thought sour would have been the place.  She had a wonderful way of moving past things.

I'm not there yet... but I am proud to say, "I'm becoming my mother."