(**WARNING - Contains material that might make you think poorly of me***)
I truly am starting to believe I am damaged goods. I can take any guy I date and find something wrong with him - too young, too old, too clingy, etc., etc., etc. (The only two men I did not find something wrong with, have screwed me over...psycho-analyze that!!)
I went on my date this weekend. We had a perfectly fine time. However, it (the date) didn't wow me. It was a dinner, a movie, and him showing me around his town. I know this sounds petty, but I like to be impressed. So, here's what was wrong with him - we are not in the same place in our lives. Even though he is 28, he is still in college and living the college life style. He lives with brothers. His weekends consist of football games and dance clubs.
I just don't see a guy like that just sliding into a pre-made family with a mortgage... and, yes, I have to think that way! My friends tell me, "Just because you date someone doesn't mean you are going to marry them." I agree. It's true, BUT what ultimately IS the reason for dating?? To find something long-term, right?
Maybe... it's not. I am by NO means an expert on dating! Before dating (and eventually marrying) my ex, I had one other boyfriend and had gone on only a handful of dates. I was the girl that was a friend to all the guys, but none of the guys dated. Looking back now, I can't say that I blamed them. I didn't put myself out there in that sense. I was afraid of getting hurt and to prevent that from happening, I didn't open myself up to being "asked out". One of the few times, in college, I was asked out by a male friend, I flipped out when he called it a "date" because I just thought of him as a friend and nothing more. I tried to call the "date" off. I avoided him for days. But... because I didn't/couldn't tell him what I was thinking, I went out to dinner with him on our "date".
Which leads to my biggest problem dating... I don't know how to tell a guy I don't like him. I was raised to be a polite person. I am very empathetic and don't like to know that I am a person that has brought another person grief... that I might actually be (**gasp**) hated. So, I let the attraction (on his end) be. I stress over how I will let him know without becoming hated. I spread out my contact until, eventually, contact ceases.
I know this is a horrible way to end things because no one likes to be left hanging. However, this has become my defense mechanism. I used to never be the girl that would turn a guy's head. I was always the one who was left standing as a wallflower while the guy I really liked danced with another girl. It was horrible!! It made me feel ugly and unwanted.
So, now... it is like I have a new power that I haven't really gained control over yet. Ultimately, though, I don't want to be the girl left standing. So...I trail them out to ensure I am not the one left and hurt by this whole thing we call dating.
Does anyone have a stamp?? I think it might help if guys knew ahead of time that they are getting ready to date "damaged goods", then they won't be surprised when I don't call.
Surfing Sunday 02.18
4 days ago