A self-reflection...

I took on more than a moment of self-reflection today. Sawyer called me tonight to ask about his MoJo. He wanted to know what I and his ex-girlfriend had done to him to make him irresistible to women...beautiful women. I explained to him that it wasn't what we had done at all - in fact, it was more with what he did for us. He built us up where we were insecure the most (and not in a degrading way). (For me, that would be my appearance. Accepting I am beautiful. I mean when I look in the mirror and I'm dressed nice, I know I look good, but I don't think to myself, "Damn, girl, you're hot!")


And that is how we got on the topic of me - off Sawyer onto me. He told me that I just needed to accept the fact... unless I wanted to stop exercising and start eating Twinkies. I said, "No. I don't even like Twinkies." "Then you better get used to it!" He tells me. (He then has to get off the phone - leaving me thinking.)


Why don't I have that self-confidence I supposedly should have? As I sit back and reflect, this is what I have come up with so far:

1. I didn't grow up around family that told me, "Oh, you're so pretty, gorgeous, etc." (They told me they loved me and they would do anything in the world for me, but they were not complimentary.) And now that I have guys complimenting me, I almost feel as if they are blowing smoke... To get something. (I know, I know...it's the insecurity talking!)


2. Self-confident vs. Vainity - I have never wanted someone to view me as vain (Laser tells me "Vain is someone who thinks they are hot") and in the pursuit to avoid becoming vain, I have miss the confidence boat.


3. I have never felt I was good enough - not in my looks, not in my relationships, not in my job. I guess that's why as a teacher I work so hard because I am always trying to prove myself - to whom? I don't know...


I want to become someone who walks with her head held high (and turns the heads of a few men :) but not become a stuck up bitch who thinks she is all that.

So how do I go about this change... To gain this self-confidence without losing who I view as me? A caring, loving, (even goofy) individual.

Godzilla Attacks

I was having one of those days today - you know the ones where little things seem overly irritating. Now don't go all "Oh... PMS"ing on me. Sorry... not time of the month! I'm back to not sleeping well and it seems to be making me a bit on the edgy side.

So, tonight when we arrived home around 8:45, I rushed Colby off to take a bath. He chose to use my tub. "Fine." I say, gritting my teeth. "Just get clean...and hurry!" I realize it is past the time he should be in bed and a bath would just push the time back further.

After about five minutes, I decide to go check on him and push to rush him a bit more. There he is standing outside of the tub.

Me: What are you doing?? (finger... pushing. on. the. last. button.)
Colby: Uh...something is stuck.
Me: What? What do you mean something is stuck?
(Colby points at a small plastic dinosaur lodged in between the sliding shower doors.)
Me: How in the world did that get in there???
Colby: All I did was set the dinosaur on the edge of the tub and... he just crawled in there.
Me(gritting my teeth): Son. That toy is plastic. There is NO way it could have crawled in there!

(You know... on Godzilla's off nights of tormenting small Japanese towns, he comes into homes and with his high degree of physical strength and dexterity he wiggles in between shower doors and forgets about his highly technical powers such as his red spiral atomic breath, nuclear pulse, magnetic powers, and even the ability to fly. He resorts to getting lodged - like any respectable lizard would do.)

Colby just stands there and shrugs his shoulders.

I'm thinking...On a normal night, I might have burst out laughing at his comment.
Really? Does he think I would truly believe that excuse??


So, for the next 20 minutes, I work to get this stupid little plastic dinosaur out from between my shower doors. Trust me. It was by NO means an easy task!

(Godzilla's dorsal plates glowed ominously, and then he released a concentrated blast of radiation from his mouth. Or that might have been me attempting NOT to cuss.)



In the end, I end up derailing my shower door which gave me just enough room to wiggle my fingers in between the doors to pull Godzilla out and throw him in the trash (Even with being an adept fighter underwater as he is on land, Godzilla could not breech the walls of the metal trash can.)
...that'll teach him to go crawling in between my shower doors!!

dogs smell fear. men smell independence

Okay, so remember me shunning off men?? Well, I think it is like fear and dogs - they can smell it! I think men can smell a woman out to be independent and void of them!

A week ago Friday, my friend, Laura calls - we're supposed to do lunch. She says that she is sorry but she is leaving out of town earlier than she expects. I'm fine with it - I tell her my plot in life...to be done with men for a while. We reschedule for Wednesday.

Friday night...I get a call from "Laser" (not his real name - he sells medical lasers for a living - I have to laugh though because every time I say this, in my head, I am hearing "fricken laaaaser" from Austin Powers.) I digress...
So anyways... Laser calls to ask if I want to go out to dinner with him on Tuesday night when he is down. Now, mind you, Laser and I reconnected like two months back. (We went to the same high school but we didn't "know" each other back then.) At the time of this reconnection, we both had just finalized our divorces. He lives 4 hours away, but said he came my direction frequently with work. I told him that we would have to go out when he did come down. (I guess, in my brain, 2 months does not equal frequently - again... I digress) So... I guess after about a month and a half, I decided that Laser and I would not be going out. So I was surprised by his phone call. Again... I tell you men can smell it!!!

Tuesday night... Set up for the babysitter to be here at 5 pm. (Laser and I hadn't set up a time we were going to meet when we talked - stupid, I know! Who sets up a date and doesn't ask what time??) Then got a text asking if 7 pm would be okay for dinner. "Sure." I quickly call my babysitter and tell her NOT to rush here from her job. I slowly finish getting ready after the babysitter arrives and then head to my friend, Rachel's house... to kill some more time. I arrive to meet Laser shortly before 7. We go and eat at Ocean Zen. It was a nice date and we had good conversation.
The only lull was when I looked up from a bite and saw him just staring at me. Raising my eyebrows, I said "What?" (Thinking...Please don't let there be something hanging out of my nose.) He responded with, "You are just prettier than I expected."
"Thank you...I guess." (I have been going through some training by friends to say thank you when there is no other good response ;)
The "I guess" threw him because then he retracted to say, "I mean, not to say you aren't pretty in your pictures, you're just much prettier in person." "Thank you...again." I said. (See...I'm learning.)
The one thing (looking back now) makes me laugh is that he said that he wouldn't be rushing to get married again because he had just gotten his MoJo back (and his fricken laaaser! - I know, I know TOO much Austin Powers)

So, heading home I get a call from (oh... what's a good name - I guess I'll call him Sawyer - for Arkansawyer) Sawyer. He is the guy that I dated a few months back that I have remained friends with. He has recently accepted a job in Texas. We had been trying to set up a time to see each other before he left. All times fell through. He had called to ask how my date went. After talking for an hour, I found out that he would most likely be leaving before week's end. I told him I was coming to see him! "Bring it on!" he said.

Wednesday morning... I go pick up the boys and make plans for Robbie to have them back in a few hours. Then I call Laura. I explain to her what is all going on and that we would have to reschedule again. She is fine with it, but adds, "I just talked to you less than a week ago. What happened to you being done with men?" All I could do is laugh!

I'm telling you...men can smell it!!!!!!

Lonestar Concert

My friend, Rachel and I attended the Lonestar concert last night. It was a great time!! They were excellent in getting the crowd involved - even though we had seats, they encouraged us to stand and "get into" their music.

Rachel enjoyed watching this couple that got TOOO "into" their music.

I, on the other hand, enjoyed watching the drummers hair fly around...

and a 90 year old woman sit and quietly clap her hands along to the heavy metal songs that came during the encore. LOL

The best part though was probably their encore. They veered from their songs and performed a variety of different artists including some Metallica and some Van Halen songs. It was cool to see their range! They also allowed the son of one of the band members to come out and play his electric guitar.

It was a good time with a good friend!! I think maybe going to concerts might be my new "thing".

M & M's on a whole new level

The boys and I went back to my hometown for a family get together last night. Beforehand, we were at my brother's house and a M&M Ice cream bar commercial came on TV. Due to Tivo, we (me, my 2 boys, my brother, and his wife) ended up watching it 3 times(thanks to Colby). Watch it now and then I'll finish my story.




Okay so after watching it 3 times, we (myself, my brother, and my sister-in-law) laughed about the commercial, talked about what they would imply the M stood for next, and then went on with life. Later last night, I gave the boys their bath. Sam got out and said, "BRRrrrr, Mom, I'm cold." Colby replied, "That's called shrinkage." (You can laugh...but only because he is not your child!)
Now even though my son had no idea what he was referencing to - he took the gist of the commercial and applied it to real life. I promptly had to say, "That's a grown up joke, you aren't allowed to say it!"

I thought maybe this was the extent of the M&M's hint at sexuality until I found these two videos. (the second is NOT in English, but it doesn't need to be) I guess these two are currently playing in the UK - There is NO question that Mars Company has figured out sex sells!





Forget about melting in your hands....

My newest position

Okay...I'm giving up on men. Okay, maybe not men altogether ;) but on the idea of me needing a man. In an earlier post I mentioned a friend giving me advice on dating. Well, her advice worked...kinda. I got dates, but not with the type of man, I guess, I would call my ideal. In fact, I found needy men (a call or text every hour - it made me dread owning my cell phone that I dearly love!) Men that wanted me to be their whole life. I'm sorry, but I'm doing well to keep my head afloat in my life, much less try to maintain yours also!!

I also took her advice on "Allow yourself to be taken care of." ~ Yeah... pretty much hated it!!! I always was feeling guilty that I wasn't contributing in any way and that I ultimately owed him. Yeah...I would much rather pay for my own meal than have that "guilt" on my mind. (Guess my momma raised an independent girl :)

So I have come to the conclusion that when it happens, it happens. And until it does...Anyone want to go out Friday night??? I'm a pretty fun date!! LOL

Welcome to the Ool - Notice: there is no P in it

The boys have been taking swim lessons this week. On day #2, Sam had to go underwater. I knew this was coming (since Colby took swim lessons with this same woman last year) so I thought I would let Sam in on what was to come. BIG mistake!!!! All morning Tuesday before the lessons, Sam walked around saying, "I don't want to go underwater...I don't want to go underwater..." Along came the lessons and... Sam went under water. We are required to do each exercise 5 times. Sam only held his breath once - but after the 1st time, Sam announced that he had to pee. I quietly said, "Just pee in the pool." (Knowing that I would never get Sam back in to go underwater if I let him out now.) "NO! Pee pee NOW!" My compromise - Sam had to finish his five before heading to the bathroom.

Yesterday, the exercise was to hold them out at arms' length, tell them to hold their breath and kick, and they would kick their way to the surface where you lift them up and congratulate them. I held Sam out, told him to hold his breath and kick and I released. I watched as my baby opened his eyes as wide as he could underwater, reached his arms up as high as he could, but sank because he refused to kick. When the look of sheer panic was too much for me to bare, I pulled him out of the water! (This was all of maybe 3 seconds - trust me I am NOT trying to drowned my child!) The first words out of his mouth were, "Pee pee NOW!" So, I took him. I had to have time to regain my courage to know I was NOT harming my child in doing this exercise. (By the way, Sam did NOT kick once for any of the 5 that we did - each time he would sink slowly and I would pull him out of the water.)

So... here we are at today. Today the exercise was to do the same thing as yesterday, but after releasing them step back two paces. (I think I was the one starting to panic today - knowing Sam hadn't kicked once yesterday.) But before we even got to the new exercise, Sam announced again that he had to pee. "Son" I said, "Just pee in the pool." (I mean this child will whip it out and pee where ever) Sam replies, "No Mommy! It's nasty to pee in the pool" Ah...my own words coming back to bite me!!!

I am happy to report though that Sam did decide to kick today and announced to everyone, " I can swim now, just like Colby!"

More Pogueland pics

Nothing like cuddling in a tent on a cool summer morning.

You can see I was VERY happy to see Andrew and Steve cooking breakfast! Thank goodness for coffee!

The kids decided this vine was a perfect way to travel like Tarzan! :)

We took a trip down to the water. Everyone had lots of fun!

I did till a snake swam around my legs - YIKES!!!

Steve and Andrew took on the task of cliff diving.

The sun setting on a GREAT weekend as we head for home!

Dreams for the future

As we were driving home tonight, Colby said to me, "Mom, when I grow up, will you come visit me every day?" I said, "Well, I may not see you everyday, but I will come and see you and your wife and kids as much as I possibly can." "MY kids???!!!!"Colby exclaimed. "Sure." I said, "Don't you think you will have kids one day?"

Colby stopped to think about this for a while, then he answered, "Yeah...but first I am going to search the WHOLE world for my wife and when I find her, I will love her and we will get married and THEN we will have kids." "That sounds like a great plan, son!"

This made me smile inside and out. I'm feeling like, "Wow! Even at five, my son gets it! He gets what it is all about!"

Then Colby says, "Yeah... and maybe I'll be a truck driver or a garbage man."

Okay, maybe, we can leave that part out of mom's fantasy future for her son.- LOL

Pogueland Pics

Here are the pics I promised from our weekend at Pogueland!!!

This is what we were greeted with first off - a black widow spider - I love nature. I love nature... Okay... I don't love this kind of nature!!! The kids didn't seem to mind though.

Anyone for chopping some wood?? The guys took this duty on - thank goodness!!!

We had an AWESOME dinner of pork steaks (or hot dogs), corn on the cob,

and who could forget the s'mores!!!

After dinner, the kids had fun swinging in the tree swing.

It was Fourth of July, so we of course had to enjoy some fun and some fireworks! Jean provided us with these lovely decorations - Thank goodness she bought them on sale last year!! I had the "priviledge" of putting them together.

Michelle provided everyone with glowing bracelets, "So we could find our loved ones in the dark." She even color-coordinated families. She's so good! :) (Our color was green!)




Then it was time to head down the hill to enjoy the fireworks!! I think the adults had more fun than the kids did - but it was TOO dark to get pics of the adults :)

***More pics to come****