Loneliness

Loneliness is a monster creeping down the dark empty alleyway of your mind...
...waiting for the perfect moment to pounce...
...To let you know that security you felt, that confidence you had... It wasn't real.

Charismatic

My mother used to tell me that when I was a child (especially when I was a baby), I was charismatic.

She said it was like people couldn't help themselves but to be drawn to me and I would reward them with a soft easy smile that would draw them in even more.

I can remember being in 5th grade and that charisma eased a transition between school districts.

It has served me well in many facets of my life... Making friends with strangers, sharing a laugh and a kind word.

However, some days, I feel like maybe it's like a shiny penny that just isn't that shiny any more...  like I've lost my shiny charisma...

Some days I find myself drawing inward.  I can almost feel myself sucking that easy-going aura out of the room into a dark, lonely place that no one wants to be around.

I fight it though. 
I fight the dull.
I fight for the shiny... and the easy-going... and the drawing others in... because I know it's in me... its part of me.
I just have to remind myself ... I'm Charismatic

The Dance of Insomnia

Another late night where sleep eludes me...
...Nothing but the humming, humming of the appliances.
Wishing, wanting that hum to lull me to sleep.

But no.

Instead my brain reels... Planning for another day.
Fixated on things that cannot be done or undone in these late hours.

I wait...
Wait out these thoughts... while the ringing in my ears grows louder and louder because it's JUST. SO. QUIET... I can't even hear myself think!

Hours pass by... and slowly, so very slowly, a dance begins between the humming and the ringing.
... This dance soothes my thoughts into nothingness. 
Allowing the elusive sleep to waft in and join me.

Alive again

All I could do was try to keep living until I felt alive again.

I'm becoming my mother

I don't think of my mother every day... but how she raised my brothers and me is just ingrained and sometimes it leaks out... and that makes me think of her.

I laugh because sometimes when I'm frustrated or caught off guard, I shout things like, "Boy howdy"  or "Oh for Pete's sake"  or  "By golly"  or "Heavens to Betsy"
My friends get a kick out of these... But they came from my my mother's desire for us kids not to cuss.  She used to wash out my mouth with Dial soap when I said things like, "Gosh darn it"  or "Jeez" because they were TOO close to using the Lord's name in vain.

Another thing she taught us (without telling us) was how to say "Good morning" ... Now this wasn't just any Good Morning...  This is with buttery warmth that the person you are saying it to doesn't even have to look at you to know you are smiling with happiness in your heart as you say it.

This buttery warm "Good morning" came out of me this morning... to the "friend" that has not been kind to me lately.  I had not planned to say it... It just came out.  On top of it, it came out sounding just like my mother!

As I walked past out of the door, the weight of it hit me.  That was my mother that said that.  THAT was something she would have totally done.  Been sweet and buttery when anyone else would have thought sour would have been the place.  She had a wonderful way of moving past things.

I'm not there yet... but I am proud to say, "I'm becoming my mother."

My heart hurts

I honestly have to say my heart hurts today...

I know SamD wants nothing to do with me.  She makes that quite evident on a daily basis.

The problem is... She is mad at me for being human... For asking a simple question, "How was your summer?"

And I have ACTUALLY apologized for that... For being human!

So that makes me wonder... How does one person get to determine when friendships are lost?
I can truly say that I would NEVER allow her to exclude either one of you without sticking up for you.

I mean, maybe you have and I don't know it... But by not being invited...

Well... Like I said, my heart is hurting.

The friendship sea

As a 42 year old woman, I wold have never thought I would have to question my friendships.  I figured by this time in my life, my friendships would have a solid unwavering foundation and that I could smoothly sail on the friendship sea.

However, I have been proven wrong.  The friendship sea is rough and sometimes unyielding.

Like when the one person you *thought* was your friend and you stood by even though you saw her treat some of your other friends unfairly and excluded them from your group is now doing that to you...

You know that close knit group of friends that you did EVERYTHING with?  Yeah, that one.
Well they got together for their monthly get together tonight and you weren't invited... and of course she posted pics *knowing* you would see them.

And it makes you wonder... how are none of your other friends NOT standing up for you??

Then you remember.  YOU didn't do that for the last friend that was excluded.
That one will forever haunt you...