Loyal to a fault

Who knew being loyal could be a bad thing?

Looking back, I think being loyal to a fault is why I had such bad previous dating relationships...
Because the guy would act/do something that would not be beneficial to support our relationship, and me being so gosh darn loyal would somehow end up being the one trying to smooth things over when I wasn't the one who had done anything wrong.

This happened yesterday with one of my friends... and honestly it isn't the first time she has treated me this way. I went home and cried and cried about it.  I just couldn't see why she would treat me this way.  I spoke to a mutual friend about it - just trying to gain some clarity - was I so involved that I didn't see the true picture?

This is when my mutual friend pointed out that she has treated me this way before... and that I stood by her and made sure in the end that our friendship was back in good standing.  She never apologized for her actions.  It was me... Even though I didn't do anything wrong.

That was eye opening to me.

Here I was again... Feeling bad. Wanting to apologize, when I hadn't done anything wrong... Just wanting the waters to be smooth again.

I made a promise to myself many years back to stop allowing men to treat me in this way... Guess I need to extend that promise out to myself to include not allowing anyone to treat me this way.

And I need to remind myself that being loyal and being respected should go hand and hand... and that it is a requirement by both sides!

30 days of Truth Revisited: Day 1:Hatred

I did the 30 days of Truth back 7 years ago... I did it to jump start my blogging when I was lacking in making posts.. a time I wasn't sure I was being truthful to myself.

Here I am in 2017 and I have only made a few posts this year... I have no fear that I'm truthful to myself any more.  In fact, I'm probably TOO truthful (if there is such a thing).  But my thoughts have not made it to paper (or a screen).
So, to dedicate myself back to writing my thoughts, I will revisit the 30 days.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I have always been insecure. Something inside myself has always made me question myself.  Esp after my divorce.  It made me build my walls high... Even when my walls were ALL the way up and on the outside strutted like I was all that, I was still insecure.  I just didn't show others that.

Most recently, I guess it would be my insecurity would be with my changing body.  I hate that I am falling in that "40's" category that my body is over taking me like an alien.  I have no control over emotions or weight gain or other craziness that no one fully reveals to you that your body is going to throw at you.

I hate that I'm almost 42 and I would even need to question myself about my self image.

I mean, I'm healthy and I'm loved. What else do I need??

***Maybe I should post that somewhere for me to see daily... Cause hate is such a strong, ugly word... and I DEFINITELY don't need it in my life.