Monday, February 15, 2016

The howl

The howl of immense pain.
The howl of great loss.
Once that howl of sorrow has emitted from your body, you recognize it in others immediately... even if you don't know the details, you know the cause.
Loss.
Loss of a loved one.
Loss that despite the howling sorrowful tears, they will not be coming back...
But at the time, you can't think of that... all you can do is howl like a savage animal that's crying out into the night.

I heard that howl today.
It stopped me in my tracks.
I almost didn't go towards the source because... I already knew.

But being someone who has had that sound come out of me before, I couldn't turn a deaf ear and run... Despite desperately wanting to.

So... I turned the corner to find my friend, C.  Her granddaughter is due this week... and I knew.
Without words, I knew the howl of loss.

I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her and hugged. A hug so tight I thought I would crush her... and she sobbed. Such powerful, forceful sobs that I knew if I let go, she would fall to the ground.

In between the uncontrollable shaking and howls, she breathed out, "No heartbeat. Why? Why?? I don't even know what I will say to my son and his wife."

I continued to hold her and tell her that there are no words.  She will go and be a mom, and hold and hug her child like no one but your mom can.

My heart breaks for her... Not only for her loss, but because she too will hear the howl and know it's meaning from now on.

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