What's Around the Next Bend?

Everything is funny as long as it happens to someone else

2012-01-28T23:15:00.000-06:00

I was a walking "Funniest Home Video" this week... too bad I don't have a video camera on me 24/7.

Let's do a quick recap of this week...

Tuesday night Sam wanted a yogurt before bed. He took one or two bites and said it tasted funny. We had had take out and I told the boys to put all of their trash into the brown paper sack that the take out came in.

Fast forward to Wed. morning - It's trash day. It's time for us to leave when I remember this little tid bit. So, I scoop up the paper take-out bag, put it on my hip and then I grab my bag, my coat, my purse. I drop my stuff off in the car and I make it to the outside trashcan. Right after I drop it in, I realize I have gunk on my hand. "What in the world??" It takes a few minutes for my brain to process that the gunk on my hand went with the soured yogurt that had busted through the brown paper sack and was now running down my side - all over my pants and shoe. Cussing under my breath, I made it back through the house only to find yogurt drips in multiple places on my carpet that had leaked on the way out. Ten minutes later, I left my house again... I was redressed, but I'm pretty sure I reeked of sour dairy. Blech.

Friday - I did a quick stop at the bank before heading to a movie with my friends. I don't ever seem to park at the bank drive thru where I can successfully reach the bank tube. Which, in turn, causes me to hang halfway out of my car window to just get the tube back into the little slot. So, as I'm doing this (hanging out my car window), I am also trying to close the tube. Don't ask me how I managed to do it, but I closed/smashed the palm of my hand in the tube. Again, it took a few seconds for my brain to process what was happening. By the time that I did, I was in pain and couldn't manage to get the tube back open. I was slinging the tube around and trying to open the clasp all in one. I'm sure it was only seconds, but the pain in my hand made it feel like hours. I'm sure if the bank tellers were watching they got a good kick out of me and were probably saying, "dumb a**."

Saturday - The boys are done with their basketball games. I have in my hands - my purse, my camera bag, Sam's basketball shoes, a book bag, and my Sonic drink. (What can I say... I'm a mom.) I'm looking for my keys. I go to grab them with the hand that is holding the Sonic drink. I feel the lid begin to slip. My first reaction is to jump back. The cup falls to the ground, busts open, and covers me in slushy. This time, my brain reacted fast enough... but it still didn't save me. I did feel though that I could be considered a member of "Glee". (See pic below if you don't watch the show)

yeah... I don't think I will go trying anything death defying this week... doesn't seem like the odds are in my favor. However, if you would like to follow me around with a camera, chances are you'd get some good footage. :)

she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story

2012-01-26T23:00:00.002-06:00

I thought I was past it.
I thought that even though I had some strife with the mean girl at the beginning of the year, I had managed to get past it.
Even though I didn't have my bestie to stand strong with me against her, I just closed my door and carried on in my own little world.
I thought I was past it.
Then I got my student teacher.... My wonderful student teacher.
I felt horrible that I was keeping him closed off.
It's not how I really am...
I want him to experience everything that should be happening in a school building.
So... I opened my door...
In turn, I opened myself up to hurt.

You see... our grade level had a meeting this morning.
All six of us.
After the meeting was over, we all got up to leave.
Isaac and I were the first to head out.

Less than 5 min later, I remember I had forgot something in the room we had met in.
I walk in.
All five of the other teachers are sitting at the table.
Their conversation stops.
I ask, "What's going on?"
"Oh... we're just planning Science."

Do I care that they are planning it without me?
No. not really.
Am I hurt that they didn't even bother to ask?
yep.
Took all of me to keep it inside and not cry... or scream... or yell.

It put me in a fog that I couldn't shake all day.
I really am trying to be a good mentor here...
Just would be nice to have others around aiding in that process.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference

2012-01-22T21:29:00.000-06:00

My student teacher, Isaac, started on Wednesday.
To say he is a God-send, would be an understatement.
He has only been with me 3 days and already I have learned as much from him than he has learned from me.
His observations are those of an outsider.
I don't have those "fresh" eyes anymore... I have been in the depths long enough that (even thought I love my job), I am oblivious to many of the goings on.

Example: He told me (after 2 days of eating lunch in the teacher's lounge) exactly which teachers are "done". (He also followed it up with that he is happy he was placed with a teacher who is not.)

You see... I hear the complaints, the mumbles and groans of my colleagues... but that it is normal conversation.... one that I don't even acknowledge as being anything but normal anymore. And it's hard not to fall into that trap myself.

Having a fresh outside observer though, has reminded me that I haven't always taught around people that are like this. Most love what they are doing and that is why they are doing it.

I have also learned with Isaac being in my classroom that I have been starved for adult interaction this year. In the past, I would walk next door to my bestie's (Laura) room and discuss my night or my morning. We shared everything. With her moving to 2nd grade this year, I have made attempts to go see her, but it isn't convenient to travel down to another part of the building every morning when things need to be done. I have felt outside of the group of the other third grade teachers. So, I have kept to myself. The thing is... with Isaac in the room, I have talked non-stop. I'm sure he probably wonders if I talk even in my sleep. I guess you could say, I'm filling him up. I filling him up with stories of struggles and things that make me laugh. I want him to know that all of this isn't easy, but it is worth it.

He also helped me see that it's okay when things don't always go as planned.
Don't get me wrong... I knew this already.
I am a teacher and I adjust accordingly multiple times a day.
But on Friday, I went to use our CPS clickers (Think remotes that kids can use to answer test questions) and halfway through the test half the batteries died.

I walked past Isaac and said, "Well... That was an epic fail."
(Looking back, I'm embarrassed with my negativity... things like this happen on a daily basis. You adjust and move on.)
He responded, "Yeah... but we learned from it. We learned that we need new batteries before we use these again. And isn't that what it's all about?... learning?"
I smiled, "Yes. Yes, it is. Thank you for the reminder."

Yeah... I think the next 16 weeks are going to be an unbelievable journey!!

Why I'm okay with making up a snow day on MLK Jr day

2012-01-16T22:18:00.001-06:00

I love teaching equal rights to my students.
It is so hard for most of them to fathom a person being treated differently for the color of their skin and I love that!

I grew up in an area of the country that racial colors were not prominent. I grew up in an area where there were a lot of German farmers ...blond hair and blue eyes is a lot of what I saw. But, somehow, even without having that contrast I still knew everyone I met or saw was the same... should be treated the same.

I can remember the first time that I met my ex, R's aunt. She is from the south. She had very strong (and wrong) views of "colored" people (as she called them). She went as far to say, "I even had a little colored boy in my class this year that could actually learn." My jaw dropped and R. begged me to keep my mouth shut. Fifteen years later and I can still hear her say it clear as day. Fifteen years later and it still chills me to the bone.

So every year I teach my lesson. I tell my students of the pain and struggles our country has gone through to get to where we are today so everyone has the same rights.

Then I have them write about inequality.

yeah... I think they got the message.

My New Year's Resolutions... it's NEVER too late to decide to change

2012-01-12T22:12:00.000-06:00

I know. I know. Resolutions... who really wants them?
I think this year they come for me more out of need than want.

My bout of being down in the dumps over Christmas really made me ~~over-~~analyze my life.

So... here is what I have come up with...

This year I need to improve myself:

mentally
spiritually
emotionally
physically

Mentally... I need to get "right" with myself. There is still a lot of hurt that I have managed to bury and it occasionally creeps out. I need to get rid of it completely so it doesn't have to creep any more. I am way too hard on myself sometimes...I expect perfection when I know perfection is not even close to being a possibility. I see my children putting undue pressure upon themselves. Unfortunately, I know they get that from me. I want to change that. I need to accept me for me. The good and the bad. I need to allow others to treat me well (because I deserve it... yes, I have to repeatedly self-talk myself through this one). I need to remember that no one else but ME needs to forgive me for past doings.(It's so much easier to ask for and accept forgiveness from someone else.)

Spiritually... I need to do a better job of being a spiritual example to my children. I need to become more involved in my church and push for the changes that I want to see happen.

Emotionally... Hand-in-hand this one and the mentally healthy one are skipping along as best friends right now. When I have resolved the hurt and the need for perfection, I won't be on the emotional roller coaster again that I was on over Christmas.

Physically... I just need to get back to being tone. To be able to chase after my boys and not feel like an old woman. I was there this summer. I fell off the "keeping fit" bandwagon right after Thanksgiving. I need to remember... Don't give up! Push hard. Push through.

I have decided that above all... this will be my motto this year:

Live your life to the fullest. Never regret.

What resolutions did you come up with this year? Have you already broken them?

It only takes a spark to get a fire going

2012-01-09T23:16:00.001-06:00

Let me start out by saying that I'm not some über religious person. I believe in God and Jesus and in living my life right. I don't have any desire to push my religious beliefs on you... or for you to do that to me. I am involved just enough in my church to feel like I play a part. I guess you could say that I have a very lax attitude when it comes to my church life.

I haven't always been this way. I can remember in high school being on fire for Jesus. I wanted anyone and everyone to come to church and youth group with me. I truly had that love and wanted to share it.

However, that "feeling" hasn't been part of me for a long time.... but I truly believe things happen for a reason.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked me to join a committee at church. Our pastor retired a couple months back and a planning committee was being formed to decide what our church's needs and wants are.

You see... I go to my church. I enjoy the people of my church. But I don't feel like my church meets all of my needs. Do I complain? Well, no. That's not my nature. It's also not my nature to quit something just because my needs aren't met (Guess that's why I stayed in my marriage - but that is here nor there now) Once I'm committed, I'm there for the long haul. And up until now... I had never been asked my opinion about how I viewed the workings of my church.

Tonight was eye opening for me.
I saw that others saw the same short comings as I did.
The same reasons I have been hesitant to give myself fully to my church are the same reasons why others have pulled away.

It's strangely liberating.

We have decided we aren't going to sit idly by any more... that this is our church! So, in moving forward, we are going to make it the best one yet and we are going to get someone in the pastoral position that feels the same way.

There might be a spark left in me after all...

Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.

2012-01-07T12:19:00.001-06:00

I just have to say... I couldn't be a prouder momma.

I know I expect a lot from my boys.
I know I try to teach them what is good and right... but when they display that... and others take notice... that is a true sign they are listening.

Sam was chosen as his school's Citizen of the Month for exemplary behavior and was recognized at the school board meeting.

Colby was chosen for a character award at his school for demonstrating the character trait of Compassion - Caring for others.

Yeah... beaming from ear-to-ear here!!!

If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to

2012-01-06T18:57:00.000-06:00

I despise telemarketers.
I am on the no call list, but I still get the occasional call.

Today was one of those days.
I saw it on my caller ID, but I decided that I would tell whomever was calling to take me off their list.

It was from XM radio.
I had their service... now let me tell you up front I loved my XM because my part of the country is about 6 months behind the rest of the country when it comes to music. I would hear a song on XM and be tired of it before it even breached my local radio station. (and then would laugh when my local radio station would say "Here's a new release from so-and-so")

My problem with XM was their service... not the one provided to me, but the people I dealt with. I was told I would get a year's free worth of service. I got 3 months. When I decided to pay for an additional 6 months, I gave my credit card info that day. Nine months later, I received a call from a collection agency for said bill.

For someone who always pays their bills on time, I was pissed!!!

So... today... when the woman on the other line said, "I'm from XM and just so you know this call is being recorded for quality assurance purposes. Can you tell me why you left our service?" I let know exactly why.

Strange, but she didn't try to stay on the line with me OR try to get me to re-join their service.
Betcha I don't get any more calls from them.... and I'm okay with that.

Santa might be late, but he is NEVER wrong

2012-01-03T23:30:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the help of a wonderful friend... I was able to get something I have been wanting for a long time.

Resolutions?? Who needs them?? Oh yeah... Me.

2012-01-01T23:00:00.001-06:00

I wish I believe about myself how Calvin views himself... would have made this past week a lot easier.
While my boys were gone, I had a LOT of time to analyze myself and my life.

Great if you are trying to come up with New Year's resolutions... not so great if you are trying to stay positive.

I was in the "Whoa is me" state and I was telling a friend how everyone believes that I deserve more than for me than I believe for myself. That's when they said, "Yeah, I don't get it Dawn. You deserve to have it all and then some. Don't ever let yourself think that you don't. But the thing is... that isn't the side of Dawn we all see... I have always thought of you as a very brave and confident person."

I went on to tell them that I think that maybe I am great at putting on a good front. I have done it most of my life, but I don't think I am brave most of the time. Resilient maybe, but brave, no.

I also think people misconstrue happiness for confident. I know I haven't been confident in myself most of my life, but I can definitely say that I have been happy. And happiness ISN'T overrated!

I think they also view my outgoingness as being confident... to some it might be two in the same... but for me it is not. I am outgoing so I don't end up shy in a corner somewhere... trust me, I have already lived that part of my life (and those tendencies still reside within me). I am loud and boisterous because who can ignore the loud one?? I'm also outgoing because I know what it feels like to be left out... excluded. I figure if I'm the "outgoing one", I get to pick whether or not someone gets invited along... and trust me, I look for the people that look like I used to look (and how I still sometimes feel) and I make sure they are included.

Does it make me popular? Sometimes.
...But not always. Strange as it sounds, not everyone wants everyone to be included.
I've decided teachers are worse than catty high school girls.
Have I told you I purposefully didn't hang with those girls in high school??

Our staff wrote kind words to one another as a present this year.
Someone wrote on mine "A big ball of sunshine who brightens everyone's day."

So... I guess my resolution is... To live up to the person others view me to be... and actually believe it about myself.

What resolutions did you decide on this year?

How we hide the hurt inside

2011-12-30T15:21:00.000-06:00

My boys are gone for the week with their dad to Minnesota.
I miss them.

Most of my friends are gone for Christmas break.
I miss them.

I don't know if you would say that I'm depressed... but I'm definitely in a funk.

I went to deliver some clothes that Sam had grown out of to a friend of mine.

We talked (and cried) about how our divorces have changed us and the lives we once knew... how we never thought we would be spending holidays alone... how we might be spending the rest of our holidays alone.

Depressing, I know.

I don't normally let this hurt show.
I normally bury it deep within ...because no one wants to hear about your hurt.

But today, it is up on the surface and raw.
...because I'm taking down Christmas.
... because I'm feeling a little lonely and a little nostalgic.

So forgive me that I don't have a quick witted story to share today... it's just not in me.

Giving to others is my compensation for not giving to myself

2011-12-29T21:19:00.001-06:00

I *love* to make other people's days.
Anything I can do to make someone laugh or smile, I will.
If someone is down and out, I'm there.

What I'm figuring out about myself... is that I am more than willing to do that for others... but have a hard time doing it for me.

I have heard repeatedly throughout the years - "You have to love yourself first before you can allow someone else to love you."

I guess that is why I am at a standstill with my relationships.
I don't truly believe I deserve to be treated well.
Don't get me wrong, I know I should want it.
I get it that I deserve it.
It's just that...I just am ready to clock out when someone actually wants to be that person for me. I seriously want to hyperventilate when a guy is nice to me.

I don't admit this to others in my daily life.
People that know me in real life that are reading right now are probably saying, "What??!!"
I'm great with saying, "Things are good" and having a smile on my face... and I believe it. To me, things are good when I know I can control all the situations around me.

I was telling a friend the other day that I hated being Santa to myself.
I do it for my boys... to keep the Spirit of Giving alive... but in all reality I hate giving myself presents where I have to fake being surprised and excited for something I already know is there.

Then my friend did something for me that truly caught me off guard and made me cry.
They told me that when I told them that... about having to be my own Santa, that isn't how it should be... that someone who shows their care for others should have someone who shows care for them... and so they bought and surprised me with a Christmas gift.

I truly have great friends!!

Ghost of Christmas Past meet Ghost of Christmas Future

2011-12-25T22:49:00.000-06:00

Christmas has always been a special time for me... but it has also been a hard time for me.
My mom was killed in a car wreck on December 27, 1997 and because of that, it is so very important to me to spend Christmas with my boys.
Thankfully, I have an ex-husband who gets that.

You see... my Christmas morning consists of: My boys waking up, them waking me up, me calling their dad(my ex, R.) and his parents. Then they all drive over. We watch the boys open presents. We make breakfast together and spend the morning together.

It's just what we have always done.
It's what I hope we always do.

I'm not trying to hold onto what I used to have.
I'm trying to savor what I still have.

I still have two beautiful boys.
I still have ex in-laws that love and care about me very much.
I still have an ex that sees the importance of me having my boys on Christmas morning.

I'm also trying to prepare for the future.

You see... I spent the day with my ex's family, and my ex, and his girlfriend.
I already know this is how my future Christmases will be.
... and I'm okay with that.

Hopefully, one day, I will have a man by my side that is understanding of this crazy extended family that I call my own and know how much happiness that it brings me that everyone is as okay with it as I am.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be

2011-12-23T23:49:00.000-06:00

I've done a lot of talking to friends lately about "how it was supposed to be".

My group of girl friends (that I have known for the past 12 years and have been getting together with for the past 9 1/2) sat at our Girls' Night Out and recounted how our lives did not turn out how we expected.

Almost ten years ago, when we first started getting together, two out of the four of us were newlyweds, one was still single, and one had a young family.

Now three out of the four of us are divorced.

Within that ten year span, we have experienced miscarriages, infertility, adoption, births of babies, infidelity, divorces, dating, children getting pregnant, getting married again, etc... the list seems to go on and on and on.

We have had talks of wedding planning, marriage advice, sex, having babies, breastfeeding, child rearing, men, cheating, the best divorce lawyers, which counselor to see, who we are dating, who we wished we were dating, the things we are looking for in a man, sex, sex, and more sex.

We have laughed and cried.

We have done more crying than we thought we ever would.

We have learned to make each other laugh when our lives seemed to be crumbling around us.

We have leaned on each other when we knew we couldn't be honest with anyone else for fear of judgement.

It's been a long rough road.

We decided that it was a good thing that our former selves didn't know what path lie ahead of them.

We knew that we may not have wanted to go on this journey had we known.

But we are glad that our friendship has endured through it all

I REALLY don't think I'm a hoarder

2011-12-20T12:05:00.003-06:00

I'm being serious... I really don't think I am!

(First step: admitting you have a problem - FAIL)

You see... I don't hold onto everything... just things that I think MIGHT one day have good use.
I tend to keep clothes in my closet for years.

(Wait. Wait. let me explain.)

I tend have a style all my own... old things tend to show up into new outfits.

I also tend to save random things that seem they would have no use on their own, but show up later in
fantastical creations of my own.

(Yes. I did just use the word 'fantastical' )

For example:
Who knew that back in 2007 when Colby was Captain Hook

PLUS

My needing to be in a sterile 'bunny suit' for Colby's tonsil surgery in 2010

(Yeah... okay. I didn't have to wear the ears... but the nurses called it a "Bunny Suit" and I was trying to make Colby laugh even though he was in pain... It's what moms do.)

would lead to This Frosty outfit in 2011???

See???
Who said hoarding was a bad thing??

Holiday Photo Props make the World go round

2011-12-19T22:13:00.000-06:00

So... I hosted my school's Christmas party.
It's something I do every year.
I love coming up with new things for us to do or try.

This year I came up with using Photo Props.

I mean, I love taking pics, and I have recently gotten back into making crafty things... so I figured why not?

I spend one of my insomniac nights (yes, I'm back to not sleeping again) creating these.

Who doesn't love a little Santa & Rudolf??

What can I say?? My friends and I are obsessed with mustaches.

Then I gave instructions and let the fun happen.

Even Buddy the dog got involved

Oh Fu Man Chu, we love you!!

Yeah... we had a great time!!

Laughing 15 secs adds 2 days to your life span... guess I'm 2 days richer

2011-12-18T22:02:00.001-06:00

I laughed so hard today!
The kind of laughter that just belts out of you.
Like you didn't know it was there... until it was.

A year ago, when I dated The Professor.
He professed his love for me after less than a month of meeting.
I told him, "Thank you."

It became a joke quickly thereafter... people always saying that they loved me just to make me feel uncomfortable and to get me to say "Thank you".
After a few months, the jeering stopped.

So, today, I was texting my cousin setting up plans for the weekend.
I texted, "Ok. Thank you."
In response, I got, "You don't have to say thank you. It's not like I said I love you... :)"

...and that, my friends, is why I love my family.

It is far better to give than to receive!!!

2011-12-15T16:35:00.001-06:00

I sent out a note on Monday letting parents know that instead of the normal $5 boy buys boy gift and girl buys girl gift, their child was to bring in 23 little items.

I knew my reasoning behind it.
Today I had to express why... I guess I should have all along.

I had a parent write a note back telling me, "Thanks a LOT for the heads up on this!! Guess you thought I was made of money."

Ouch.
I mean, buying 23 little items... like pencils, or erasers, or candy... I had explained all that in my note... things that would equal less than $5 for the whole class.

I thought I was doing a good thing here... all the kids would get the same thing. Caring and sharing.

So I called the mom.
I learned of a lost job and a soon-to-be foreclosed home.
I heard a stressed out momma.

I told her that I didn't want to add any more to her plate... that I would make sure her daughter has something to pass out... for her not to worry about it.

"Okay???" I asked.
There was silence on the other end... and then sobbing.
I continued talking, reassuring while she regained herself.
"I don't want my daughter to feel less than the others because she doesn't bring something."

And here is where I shared what I have been teaching my students, but I forgot to share the concept with their parents...

We have been writing 'The Gift of Kind Words'...where every student writes something kind to every classmate. I have been teaching the kids that things don't need to be expensive to be meaningful. That is why they were to bring little items... just to share in the joy of giving, not to impress with big expensive items.

After I explained all of that, I told the mom, "So, please. Let me get your daughter's gift for you. Let me keep from adding another burden to your load. Consider this my gift to you."

She never told me yes...
but she never told me no either.

Intentional Happiness

Social Experiment #1

2011-12-14T20:21:00.006-06:00

I didn't head out into the world today thinking to myself, "Let's see how the world reacts to this one."
But that's exactly what happened.

You see...
A friend of mine (who is quite a bit older than I am - old enough to be my dad) asked me to come and help pick out a Christmas present for his wife.
I told him I would love to... just not to blame me when his wife didn't like it. LOL
He wanted to buy her a new sweater. (The main reason he wanted female input on his decision)

So, we started shopping...
I know the kinds of clothes his wife wears, but I really didn't want to be the ultimate decision maker. So I would walk slightly behind him following his lead and then give my opinion when asked. He was the one picking up and looking at the clothing. All I did was stand and hold conversation.
We were greeted in all the stores, but what I quickly began to realize was that all of the employees looked right past him and directly at me when giving their sales pitch.

That's when my social experiment began...
Every store thereafter, I would purposely place him in the middle of the sales person and myself.
I had to giggle when this one sales woman kept peering around him trying to make eye contact with me and I kept adjusting accordingly, while he stood there listening intently to her sales pitch the whole entire time.

I mean, sure. We were in women's clothing stores. So, it would only make sense that they talk to me.
But in the same sense he was listening.
I don't know... it just made me laugh.

The other thing that made me laugh was when we finally found a sweater, we went to the register to pay. The sales clerk was a young bubbly 20 year old.

I know people.
They make assumptions.
I'm sure most of them assumed we were "together"... and young gal and her "sugar daddy".

So... when we went to check out, the sales clerk was being all bubbly nice to me while he paid.
Then... he asked for a gift receipt.

The smile fell off the clerk's face.
Her brows furrowed.
You could see her wheels turning.
She glanced up, saw me watching and quickly regained her composure and replied, "Oh. Okay. Sure."

But you could still see her wheels turning.
I laughed with him afterwards as I recounted what had happened. I attested my social experiment to being quiet as a kid and always watching people's reaction to situations... now that I'm no longer quiet, I want to test out my long ago theories.

Sooo... Who wants to be in my next social experiment??
You know you want to ;)

Confessions of a closet hoarder - Post-it Note Tuesday

2011-12-13T22:10:00.000-06:00

(Yeah... okay. I didn't have to wear the ears... but the nurses called it a "Bunny Suit" and I was trying to make Colby laugh even though he was in pain... It's what moms do.)

a little email from Santa to seal the deal

2011-12-12T22:03:00.002-06:00

I'm normally really honest when it comes to my kids and questions that they ask.
Santa is my one vice.
I can't help it.
I just love the joy and excitement on my kids' faces.
I just love the sneaking around and getting ready for 'the big reveal'.

Sam is still in full fledged believing mode.
Colby, however, is wavering... not to the point that he will actually admit that he doesn't believe... because I have always said, "Santa doesn't bring gifts to those who don't believe."

What??!!
He doesn't.
I mean that statement could be justified as truth. *grinning*

So, yeah... I wanted to seal the deal.
The other day I created a PNP.

What's PNP? You might ask?
Stands for 'Portable North Pole'.
It's a little video where Santa is the star... and he just happens to know you child's name, age, location... and what they want for Christmas.

So I created one for Sam... with all good intentions of creating one for Colby as well...
But the perfect opportunity arose today.
Sam came home and said that he had written a letter to Santa.
Without missing a beat, I said, "Really?? No wonder I got an email from Santa today for you."

Sam's eyes grew big.
Then he looked at me with a raised brow.
"What?" I asked. "Look. It says it's from Santa."
Sam couldn't deny it... It did say the sender's name was, in fact, Santa Claus.
Colby pushed his way through, "Let me see."

I clicked on the video.
I thought, for sure, Santa saying Sam's name would get him... but it didn't. It was Santa "knowing" that he lived in Missouri.
"How does he know that??" Sam questioned.
"What do you mean? He comes here every Christmas... of course he knows you live in Missouri!!" I said with a twinkle in my eye.

But the part that got Colby was when Santa told Sam that he needed to try extra hard to make sure he got along with his brother.

Yeah... I don't think I need to make Colby's video now.
I think Santa did a find job of convincing with Sam's video.

Pushing the line

2011-12-10T23:11:00.000-06:00

So... I went to the Christmas party that one of the baseball moms threw.
It was good.
I tried not to feel like the odd man out.
It was kinda odd because my ex's gf was also there.
I get along with K just fine... it was just weird. K and I don't just hang out.

We talked the whole gamut of conversation... from talking about sex with our kids to breastfeeding to pushing the line.

W. (the hostess) said that she was a line pusher. That if a line was drawn, she crossed it and then went a little further just to make sure everyone knew she has crossed it.

I told her that I used to be the person that asked, "Is that the line?" (pointed from a distance way far away from the line) and when the line was confirmed, I would take two steps back from the line just to ensure I didn't cross the line.

I lived a safe, boring life.... but it was my safe boring life and I was happy.
Or, at least, I thought I was happy.
There was no reason to push the line because I had everything I thought I ever wanted... a home, a husband, and family.

Thinking now... I think that might have been why my ex, R. cheated... because I wasn't a line pusher.
I was reliable.
I was stable.
But I was not unpredictable.
I was not a line pusher.

When I asked my ex why he did it, he said because he wanted the best of both worlds.
That never really made sense to me before.
But I get it now.
He wanted a line pusher, (helping someone cheat takes a line pusher) but he still wanted the stability at home.

My divorce changed me.
Now I stand right on the line.
If I'm nudged just enough, I will cross the line... but I'm definitely no longer scared of the line.

Funny thing is... my ex's gf K... she's not a line pusher either...

May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground...Carry on

2011-12-09T00:03:00.002-06:00

I sat and wrote out my Christmas letter tonight.
I realized how awesome of a year this has been!
It's been crazy and fun... and hard...
But you know what??
I survived it all.
The good ...and the bad of it.

I've learned a lot about myself this year...what I want... what I need.
I've make mistakes...lots and LOTS of mistakes.
I've corrected mistakes.... and some I just had to walk away knowing I couldn't make them right.
I've learned to forgive myself.

I've recently been reminded of the importance of a smile, laughter, and kind words.
I don't want to forget it.

I think I have found my new theme song... It's called Carry On by Fun.

I think I see another concert in my future.

Get ready for a brain dumping... Or ...Man, I like a good segue!

2011-12-04T12:16:00.000-06:00

I'm sure some of you might have thought that I had dropped off the face of the Earth.
I didn't.
I'm still here.
I have just had a lot going on since the Thanksgiving break.

On the day before Thanksgiving, the boys and I spent the night with Dale and Gail. (my best friend from HS parents) They are like surrogate parents to me. They are grandparents to my boys.

See... I, as an adult, have never had parents. My mom died when I was 22. My dad isn't present in my life. They are as close to one gets to having parents without having parents. I had my in-laws as parents when I was married. They still like to be involved, but it isn't the same. I knew I could call them for anything when I was married to their son. Now I just feel like I am imposing.

Any-who, we had a wonderful time at Dale & Gail's. They spoiled the boys (and me). They let the boys take over their computer and made us a HUGE breakfast. I will never be able to repay them for all of the things they have done (and continue to do) for me.

On Thanksgiving Day, we headed to my brother Nick's house. Nick and LeaAnn have given the best thing a sister could ever ask for... they made me an aunt! Gracie melts my heart every time I see her.

She is getting to the age where she expresses what she wants and how she feels. This time, when I went to leave, she started to cry and put her hands out for me. It broke my heart. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love my own boys, but she has found her own special place in my heart.

That evening, we then headed to my bestie's house to spend Thanksgiving with her and her hubby and her daughter. They too are family to us. We invited anybody from school that we knew didn't have family close by. One of the people that was invited is this single guy that everyone at school thinks I should date. He and I have a flirty/friendly relationship. We had a great time getting to know each other better outside of work. I just don't know...

You see... I have already dated a friend's brother. I think I might have lost a friendship over that. Even though DP and I still occasionally talk, Rach and I haven't been. I have sent her several texts.. and she responds, but it isn't like before when we talked several times in a week... when she would initiate at least part of the conversations.

So, I'm afraid to date someone from work... even though he is a nice guy... because if things don't work out between us, I don't want to lose even more friends because they feel like they have to pick sides.

I've already been through that. After my divorce, I lost half my friends. They were friends to the both of us and majority of them felt like they had to pick sides. I'm thankful to the ones that valued both of our friendships enough to see past the couple and remember us as individuals.

I still struggle with that today. My boys play LOTS of sports. My ex coaches all of them. Parents of teammates trust and rely on my ex's judgement. They become very close to him. Most don't know how to treat me. The are friendly but they don't make the attempt to get to know me. They don't know how to deal with the fact he and I are there supporting our boys, but I am not there with him.

I am thankful for some though... they are seeing past that. Just yesterday, I had one of the other moms ask me to a Christmas party. She said, "I want us moms to get to know one another... no men allowed." Then she winked at me. I think she sees the struggle I go through.

I guess the struggles I go through are internal though.

I struggle daily to define myself... to know the "real" me.

I have lived through the stage of my life where I was too afraid to do anything. It was a sheltered life that I thought would be defined as "perfect"... it was far from perfect. I struggled internally because I could not let the world know my life was not perfect, so the world didn't know the real me.... Life is not perfect.

I have also lived through the stage where I threw caution to the wind. I lived solely to have new experiences and to make sure I didn't live inside "that box" any more. It was fun and adventurous, but I missed out on my boys. I was too busy making sure my fun meter was satisfied.

I am now searching for balance... the "perfect" life FOR ME. One that allows others to know the real me... my craziness, my sense of humor, style, and adventure. One that will not make me ashamed of who I am, nor will let me forget others around me. One that will include my boys. One that will hopefully find love.

Yeah... I think that maybe I'm not ready for another guy... maybe I need to finish defining "me" before I make me an "us" again...

FEAR - A dark room where negatives develop

2011-11-29T22:24:00.000-06:00

I have realized that the reason I let DP go was because of the love I have for myself... or maybe I would be better in saying the LACK of love I have for myself.

You see... When a guy is nice to me, I automatically think, "What's he want?"
I knew DP.
I knew he didn't want anything from me... except love, friendship, companionship... the "right" things to want out of a relationship.
But see... the thing is... when he did nice things for me... I kept waiting for the ball to drop. For him to figure out that I wasn't worth it. Every time he would do something nice, I would point out a fault of mine.

Destructive?
Sure.

But I am used to destructive relationships.
I'm used to the guy telling me what's wrong with me.
I'm used to not being "good" enough.
I'm used to chasing... and chasing... and chasing... getting a temporary relationship... and then losing.

So with DP, I didn't chase.
Not once.
I was nonchalant about everything.
The few times I lost myself in the moment, I quickly reeled myself back in.
Reminding myself that things if I let go, things would go wrong... Things had gone wrong TOO many times for me... I couldn't let things go wrong.
I began to tell myself that things between us weren't right.
It was easier that way.

It wasn't us though.
It was me.

I was fearful of losing it all.
So instead of taking the chance of losing it later, I threw it away.

I was at least honest to DP about that when I broke up..
I told him it wasn't him; it was me.
That he deserved better than me.
The sad thing is... I believe(d) it.

That was probably the most honest thing I have done in a while.
Now to start being honest with myself... to find that person that DP felt was worth loving... and start loving her.

Things to be thankful for - Friday Confessional

2011-11-25T20:46:00.001-06:00

I confess... that while everyone else in the school hates the 2 days before Thanksgiving, I love them!! Every year I do a pilgrim simulation and I wish my kids would be that engaged all the time. (It's a lot of talking and a LOT of work... but it's worth it!)

I confess... when Colby came home on Monday and said he needed to be a pilgrim by tomorrow, I wasn't really happy... But I am happy about how his outfit turned out.

I confess... that I'm excited that my brother and his wife are having a little boy because now they will have one of each... But deep down I was hoping for another little girl. (Man... I love my niece!!)

I confess... it makes me a little sad when Sam asks "How soon are you gonna take us to dad's?" Just because his dad's house provides a dog, a fort, and video games. My love and random fun can't compete.

I confess... that when I had a friend challenge me to grow my hair out at the end of the school year, I thought, Hey no biggie!" I mean I was cutting it about once every 3 weeks. But it has taken a LOT longer to grow out than I thought!! Here's some progression pics for ya from May to Nov:

I confess... I really want to put my tree up and be done with the mess but I know I should wait until the boys come back from their dad's.

I confess... being back out into the dating scene again (and not being in a relationship) sucks! I forgot how much I don't care for meeting people who don't "know" me.

I confess... helping to counsel my brother through a fight with his new bride (this was their first holiday as a married couple) has taught me that maybe I do know a lot about relationships.

I confess... having a 2nd Thanksgiving with my bestie and people from school who didn't have anywhere else to go turned out better than I thought it would.

I'm NOT a Turkey project

2011-11-21T21:13:00.000-06:00

My students finished their scary stories just in time for me to start a "I'm NOT a turkey!" project this year. It was the first time I had done it and they turned out SOOO stinkin' cute!

We read the book A Plump and Perky Turkey.

Then I sent a blank template home with them and told them that they needed to dress their turkey up in a disguise so that it wouldn't get eaten for Thanksgiving.

Here's some of the ones my students brought back:

baseball player

Groucho Marx

Little Red Riding Hood

A farmer

A cheerleader

A cat

A king

Jewelry

A lamb

A pile of leaves

A gypsy

Mario

A business man

A clown

A mermaid

Then I had them write speech bubbles like they were talking to the farmer explaining (persuading) the farmer as to why they were definitely NOT a turkey! If you would like the template or the letter I sent home, don't hesitate to email me! If I have time later, I will add by each what my students wrote.

My heart is breaking.

2011-11-15T23:09:00.000-06:00

I tell my students that once they are my student, they are always my student.
(I'm normally telling this to a former student who is misbehaving... but I regress...)

See... kids they have this sneaky little way of worming into your heart whether you know it or not.
And even when they grow up and move on... you still wonder... and worry about them.
Yeah... even the tough ones like I had last year.

So when my school counselor came to me today... my heart wasn't ready for bad news.
I couldn't have known that "one of mine" was getting ready to head down a scary road... okay, a different scary road than she was already on.

You see... one of my previous student's parents were finally busted for drugs.

Her and her siblings were picked up today to be sent off to foster homes.
We have been informed that they will not be placed together.
I know this isn't the first time this has happened in the world.
It's just the first time it has happened to one of mine.
...And I'm sad there's nothing I can do.

I am am island surrounded by shark infested waters - Post It Note Tuesday

2011-11-15T00:00:00.001-06:00

I give them what they need and they repay the favor

2011-11-10T22:35:00.000-06:00

A little girl in my class was in a car wreck.
Her dad's car hydroplaned and rolled twice.
The car is totaled.
Amazingly enough, everyone in the car walked away with nothing but bumps and bruises.

Her dad asked me to keep a close watch on her and to have her talk to the counselor if needed.
I left our counselor a message and she said she would be in meetings all day tomorrow and Monday, but she could talk to her on Tuesday.
I didn't/don't feel like that's soon enough.
So, I keep "checking in" with her... asking her if she is okay... if there is anything I can do.

Today, as she got ready to leave, I asked her again.
"Here at school, I'm fine. It's when I know I have to get into a car that I get scared."
Without hesitation, I told her I understood... that my mom was killed in a car wreck and that it was hard for me to get into a car after it happened. Her eyes widened and shock came across her face.
I then quickly hugged her, smiled, and said, "That's why I'm so glad that you walked away from your car wreck okay with only some bumps and bruises."

Thinking back... that probably was too much information for this scared little girl. But I was speaking from the heart. I wanted her to know that I really did care... and really did understand her fears.

With the last student out of the room, I turned to close my door. Suddenly, I had a little blond head at my waist. Arms wrapped around me. "I'm sorry." I heard muffled from the little face pressed against me.

I pulled her back... another little girl from my class.
"What sweetheart?"
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I'm sorry about your Momma."
and with a quick hug she was gone as quickly as she came.

And that my friends, is why I give my all to what I do.

He was the perfect guy... just not the perfect guy for me

2011-11-09T18:18:00.002-06:00

I broke up with D.P. tonight.
It was harder to do than I thought.
I have been building myself up to have the courage to do it for a while now.

I thought it would be easy.
I've been divorced since July 2008.
The last major relationship I was in ended in Feb. 2010.
I'm used to being alone.

The thing is throughout this time with DP... I have gotten used to having someone there to listen to my thoughts.
To give advice to and get advice from.
To check in and say, "Hey! How was your day?"
To get it.

That's why it took so long.. for me to make my decision.
It was a selfish thing on my part.
I didn't want to give that up.
The attentiveness.

I talked with friends and family for advice.
Just be honest
is what kept ringing clear over and over and over again.

So I was.
I told him how great of a guy he was and how I want us to still be friends, but that it wasn't going to work out between us.
His happy-go-lucky well spoken voice went low and he stumbled over his words.
He said he appreciated my honesty.

I'm glad I did finally told him how I was feeling... so why do I feel like crap??

Kindness!!!... because you never know the battles others are fighting

2011-11-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

Colby had been having a girl pick on him in the lunch room.

I called him last night to find out what happened.

He told me that A stole his note like always... but to her surprise the note was for her.

She asked him if he had written the note.

"Nope. My mom did."

She told him that she loved it!

That her mom and dad had been having lots of problems lately.

That she was sad... and scared.

Then she told him, "I love it when you spend the night at your mom's house!"

Yeah... I think Colby's lunch is going to have an extra note in it for a while...

Standing on my own two feet - Friday Confessionals

2011-11-04T00:34:00.001-05:00

I confess... Too much sugar in the kids and not enough sleep in me has made for a long week.

I confess... that I haven't been falling asleep before 1 am most nights.

I confess... that even when I am in bed ready to sleep, my brain won't shut off.

I confess... that I know a little of this has to do with school... and a lot to do with where D.P. and I stand.

I confess... that I wish I was having Thanksgiving at my house because I have already heard of some teachers at school that don't have anywhere to go... and that is what I grew up knowing Thanksgiving was... taking in everyone.

I confess... seeing my family and friends with babies makes me want to have one.

I confess... I don't think I could take on a newborn right now. I'm TOO tired!

I confess... that I stood up to my group at school. I think everything I said fell on deaf ears, but I did it!!

I confess... my principal told me she knew I could do it and to "Stay Strong!"

I confess... I have had lots of people tell me that this week.

I confess... not having anyone to lean/rely on this year has made me more confident.

I confess... I have been teaching for 11 years... and some days I feel like a newbie.

I confess... that after standing up for myself this week, I don't feel so green.

I confess... I signed up for a student teacher.

I confess... I hope my principal sees me standing on my own two feet and gives me one!!

Kill 'em with kindness

2011-11-03T21:53:00.002-05:00

So this evening, I start to make the boys' lunches for tomorrow.
I normally start by writing them a note telling them how much I love them.
A lot of times, I will find a sticker and write a funny little note that goes with the sticker, just to make the boys smile.

So, as I'm doing this tonight, Colby says to me, "Mom, could you not put notes in my lunch anymore."

I knew this day would come eventually.
A little piece in me died.
I thought for sure I could continue on for at least another year.

So I looked at Colby, smiled, and said, "Why? Don't you like my notes?"

Without any warning, Colby burst into tears.
I so was not expecting that!!
I mean, Colby is a tender soul like me... but I didn't expect him to get upset over the notes like this... so I knew there was more to this.

After a few minutes of comforting him, I asked him what was up.
He told me that girl at lunch made fun of his notes every day.
My immediate reaction was momma bulldog!! - No body is gonna hurt my baby!!!
But I knew that would do no good.

I told him to sit away from her.
He couldn't... they have a seating order.

I asked if he could ignore her.
He had tried... but she always grabs his note out of his lunch without his permission.

So... then I suggested a different approach...
What if I wrote her a note? and put it where his note normally was?
(I didn't want to do it if Colby wasn't going to be okay with it.)

This peaked his interest.

I told him I could write her "Dear A, Leave Colby alone or I will call your Momma!!"
OR
I could write, "Dear A, I hope you have a great day! Love, Colby's mom"

Colby started laughing.
"Why would you write 'Love', mom??"

I then told Colby that maybe this little girl did this because she was jealous... because she didn't have someone sending notes telling her that they loved her...

He agreed.
Sending the second note would be best.

I then told him that I would hide his note under all of his food so he could read it in private when she wasn't around.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow's lunch goes smoothly.

Don't kiss and tell -OR- What he doesn't know is that women will be getting their way with him the rest of his life if he keeps this up

2011-11-02T22:26:00.003-05:00

I've got a little gem in my room this year.
We'll call him Peter.

Peter is very much like my son, Sam.
Very strong willed.
Likes to be in charge.

The problem is... with Peter... (and Sam) is that even though they are so strong willed, they are still followers.

This morning, I hear repeatedly from my other students that Peter got in trouble in the cafeteria at breakfast.

So after Peter entered my room, I called him over.

"What did you do?" I asked raising my eyebrow at him.
The corner of his mouth curls (like it always does when he knows he has done something wrong, yet he is proud.)
"I kissed a girl."

"What!!?? Don't you know that isn't allowed in third grade?"

"Yeah... but she has asked me every day for the past 2 weeks to be her boyfriend. She made me! ...I couldn't tell her 'No' another day... So I kissed her."

I gave him a lecture about peer pressure.

But inside, I muffled my laughter and my thoughts about how women have a lot of good things coming their way in the future... because we all know he wasn't listening to my lecture.

Putting creativity to work

2011-11-01T22:35:00.000-05:00

So... I made my boys' Halloween costumes this year.

I couldn't justify spending 25 bucks a pop for each kid only for them to be wadded in the corner of their closets afterwards never to be worn again.

Also, That's what I loved about Halloween as a kid... being creative and figuring out what we could make and become.

I didn't realize how much I missed doing that...

So when I asked the boys what they wanted to be, I knew I could easily make their choices.

Needless to say, These costumes brought the little hams out...

You're good enough, You're smart enough, and Dog-gone-it people like you

2011-10-31T21:18:00.002-05:00

I'm having to build myself up.
I don't know why I have to have self-talk... but I do.
I can't just jump in, both feet, all willy-nilly into something tough.

I have to think... and plan... and practice.

I did this before I got the courage up to go tell my principal that I'm an island in my grade-level this year. (now that my bestie has changed grades)
I can work with anyone, but being allowed to be part of the team is a completely different side of the story.
I'm not part of a team this year.
I teach in a room that is located next to other people who are teaching.

Don't get me wrong... what's going on in my room is wonderful!!
I have such a great group this year!

But those people that inhabit the rooms surrounding mine... They are the vast ocean... and I am an island.

We are going through a lot of curriculum changes this year.
I have actually started to wrap my head around it.
I have came to my group with suggestions that would make things easier... better.
I get shot down.

I go and talk to the other grade levels.
I hear, "That's a great idea!" or "Yep. That's what we're doing."

But not from my "team".
Nope.
I get "That's not what I want to do..."Or "That's not how we've always done it" (Did I mention we are making changes??)

So I brought it to the attention to my principal.
I was told "Be Brave. Stand up to them. Tell them you have every right for your voice to be heard. You just have to be brave."

So tomorrow (God help me) I plan to do just that.

For those of you that know me... you know I don't like to rock the boat.
I truly don't see it solving any of my problems.
But my principal doesn't believe in helping if you aren't willing to help yourself.
I have to show her that I am willing...

Then I have to figure out a way to convince her that I would be better elsewhere next year...because I don't think I can survive another year with the mean girl... as long as I'm an island.

The dynamics of a friendship

2011-10-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

Why are people brought into our lives?
What makes them stick around?

These are questions that swirl through my brain on a regular basis.
I'm always analyzing and reanalyzing (and over-analyzing) the people in my life.

I look back and think, "huh... Thank God they were here. I really needed that today."
and I really think that's it.

God sends people into our lives when we really need them.

I have a friend who I maybe touch base with once every few months. Our lives used to be connected because of work and now they aren't. We got together and went for a walk the other day. I told them about all the craziness of my life. They listened... like they always do.

I then asked about their spouse who is sick. All the tests have came back negative and they don't have any answers. It's not a subject that we normally go into depth on because there are just so many unanswered questions. I let them voice their fears. We were just talking and walking. The conversation moved onto the beauty of the fall trees and work and kids.

Afterwards, I thought how wonderful it was to get their insight on the things that are stressing me out...how they always seem to have a different way of viewing a situation and how I really needed that advice right now..

Today I got a phone call... them thanking me.. for creating some time where they didn't have to think about the illness and the unknowns.

I told them... I didn't know I was doing that... I was just talking and walking.
But I guess that's what good friends are all about... knowing how to help ... just by being there.

How a stress ball can cause you stress

2011-10-26T17:36:00.001-05:00

You see these??

yeah. They are homemade stress balls.
They sell them at my boys school as a fund raiser.

Kids are stressed... I guess they need stress balls, right?
I mean, what's the harm.
Little balloon. Little flour. No biggie, right?

Sure... it's all good.
That is until your son decides to (instead of squeezing the stress ball) stretches the stress ball.

Did you know that stress balls, that are stretched too far, explode? sending flour all over the black interior of your new car??
Yep.
It's true.

Needless to say... I need something a little more than a stress ball right now

Sometimes you just have to let your inner ROCK STAR out!!

2011-10-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

It's Red Ribbon Week (Drug-free) at school.
Yesterday was "Band against drugs" - wear a bandanna.
I was told repeatedly that I looked like a pirate.

I started answering people with things like, "Shiver me timbers. Me seems to have a scalleywag. Maybe ye should just walk de plank."

Yeah... it's okay. My students are finally used to my weird sense of humor...they took it all in stride.

Today was Rock Star day - Be a Rock star, don't do drugs! (yeah... cause we all know rock stars and drugs don't mix.)

Now maybe I haven't told you all this...
But I was meant to be a Rock Star.

yep.
It's true.
(Not the drug taking kind, mind you)

So when I came dressed like this today...

it was no surprise to my students when they said, "Ms. T!! You're a rock star!!"
To which I replied, "Now come on... you know I'm a rock star every day! ...I just chose to dress like one today."

What??!! You know you wish you could tell people things like that!!
Aw, come on. Show me your inner rock star!!

When the student surpasses the teacher... it's a wake up call

2011-10-22T21:08:00.001-05:00

I had a wonderful weekend!
DP and I went for a hike and saw all the trees changing colors

But the thing that made this the best weekend is that Colby and I ran our first 5k together!!
Now, let me tell you that when I was running all the time during the summer, Colby trained with me.
Then school started.
I stopped running... not intentionally, mind you.
I just got busy with the rest of life.
So, my times of running turned from every other day to twice a week... to once a week... and then to not at all.
Friends of mine were hosting this 5k.
I told them I would run in it so Colby and their son could run it as well.
No one told me that lack of running + two 8 year olds undying energy = me coming in 4 minutes behind my son.
Yep.
Colby beat me.
I knew it would happen one day... just didn't know that day would be so soon!

I'm SO proud of him!!

Next goal... to keep up with him... and maybe surpass him. ;)

Broken

2011-10-18T23:47:00.001-05:00

I used to think I was broken.
I used to think that there must be a reason why the men I loved walked all over me.
I didn't get it... I loved them more than I loved myself... and yet, it didn't seem like even a mere passing thought when they were crushing my soul, my world, as they walked out of my life.

I used to think that I was broken.
I knew now that I wasn't broken then...

I am, however, broken now.
I see myself closed.
Closed to love.
Closed to allow someone to get close.
Closed to giving my all in a relationship.

I used to think that I was broken.
That was then.
This is now.
Now... I know, I truly am broken.

What channel is ESP on again?

2011-10-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

So I went to a military ball with DP…

As we were driving to the base, we turned down this road... A road I had seen in one of my dreams before. It really freaked me out because in this particular dream, when we came to the crossroads, a diesel truck sideswiped my car.

I reminded DP of my dream.

He was sweet in making sure he took the crossroads with care.

Thankfully we didn’t come across any pumpkin patches (which was the next part of my dream.)

The thing is… I couldn’t get it out of my head all weekend.

I’ve been having a LOT of occurrences lately where my sixth sense has been kicking in… and then something significant has been happening because of my reaction to it.

Makes me wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t had SUCH a strong reaction/remembrance of my dream…

Double Whammy! ~Post-It Note Tuesday

2011-10-11T22:29:00.000-05:00

When you just wish the world knew you were thinking without saying it

2011-10-08T11:19:00.002-05:00

My friend, Angela, called me the other night.
She was worried about me since I haven't been blogging.
(I know... sad that this is how my friends know that I'm still kickin'... but it works :)

I haven't been blogging because I have had a week-long headache... that and I'm mentally discombobulated. My brain isn't producing complete thoughts... and when it does, I'm not sure they make sense.

I know part of this has to do with D.P. - not knowing where I stand with being with him.

He's not a stupid guy...
We had a date last night.
He brought up the topic of being distance... from his perspective..."I'm sorry if I have been distance lately. Everything with work..."

But see... I'm not stupid either.
I knew he was opening a door for me.
So I took it.

I told him that him "being distant" lately has been a good thing for me... that all of this "together" time is overwhelming for me. That I need my me time... that I have never been in a relationship where the guy was there all the time.

He told me he was glad that I told him... that he couldn't seem to get a read on me.... but that it made sense to him now.

I thought that conversation would make me miraculously wake up this morning and my headache would be gone... but it's not.

I know it's not because I should have said all that I am feeling to D.P. and I didn't.
I'm not good at starting hard conversations.
I don't like to hurt other people's feelings.
Unfortunately... that's what's gonna happen.

Why I keep her around

2011-10-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

She not stupid... that best friend of mine.
That's why I like her.
She has an intuitiveness about her.
Her insight serves me well even when I don't know I need it.

Yep... That's why I keep her around...
that... and she thinks I'm funny.

yeah...

2011-10-04T22:34:00.002-05:00

Your arms wrap around me and I sink into you.
It's a feeling of comfort... feeling secure.
We tell each other we feel like family.
I love my family.
I do love you... in that sense.

However...
it feels like we are crossing a line.
A line that can't be crossed.
You can't cross it.
I can't cross it.
But as I sink into you... into the comfort of you...
I think a line might have just been crossed...

Where to go from here

2011-10-04T20:12:00.000-05:00

You ever have that sense that even though things are going right... they aren't right for you?

I don't have any true complaints about D.P.

He's as nice of a guy as they come.
He thinks about me and cares about me.
My friends like him...

In my brain, I know he is the type of guy I should be with.

However...
My heart isn't where my brain is at.
I like to talk to him... but I don't miss him when I don't.
I like to spend time with him... but my "me" time is just as good.

I'm afraid the only reason I haven't moved on is because I like the idea of him.
Trust me... I know that's not fair to him...
but I don't want to hurt him.
I just don't know where to go from here...

If you ask me how I’m doin’ I would say I’m doin’ just fine

2011-09-29T11:17:00.001-05:00

I am struggling at school.
Not with my class.
But with the lack of support from my fellow teachers.
When my bestie, Laura, moved down to 2nd grade this year, I knew it would be hard...
and it has been.

But the reason I thought it would be hard is because I knew I wouldn't see her first thing every day... and I wouldn't have her to plan with ...and bounce ideas off of.

Instead, the reason it has been hard, is because I don't have any one in my corner.

Our school has switched to Standards-based grading this year.
A BIG adjustment for us.
We are finding areas that need to be changed... to allow us not to lose our sanity.
But, if I suggest something to my other grade level members, it falls on deaf ears.
Or, if everyone agrees with what I am saying, when I bring it up to our principal, I am hung out to dry... with everyone else acting like they don't have an opinion on the matter.

I have always been the person who gets along with everyone.
I truly believe in being a team member.
And supporting one another as much as you can.

I guess... I wonder... where that support is right now??

The light in your eyes

2011-09-28T22:48:00.001-05:00

photo by tj blackwell

As a little girl, I would lay in my bed at night staring out the window at the street lights across the street from our house. The light from the lamps seemed to streak their way to my eyes. I decided that they did this because I was special... that they didn't do this for just anyone... just for certain people.
I would pretend that those rays of light were coming in and filling me up... preparing me... for whatever I had going on the next day.

I hadn't thought about that for a long time.

Last night, Sam calls me to his room.
"Mom," he says, "those lights out there... they are running to my eyes. I can see all of the tracks they are making."

"I know. They used to do that to me when I was a kid. Pretty cool, huh?"

I then laid down beside him and let the light run to the both of us.

Cleaning can be dangerous to your health

2011-09-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

First off, I have to tell you I am now officially addicted to Pinterest.
Be it new recipes, styles, funny sayings... I love them!!
But I have also found things for my home.

One thing I found was how to clean my microwave.
Half cup water and a half cup vinegar
Bring to a rolling boil
Easily wipe microwave clean.

Simple enough... right??

Well... if you have been reading me for any length of time, you know I can make even simple things go crazy wrong.

Yeah... this would be one of those times...
I put my water/vinegar mixture in a pyrex dish and put it in to boil...
It started bubbling.
I stopped it and started to wipe. (Normal right?? Just wait)

I then found a still stuck spot...
So I figured, "Eh... I'll just let it microwave a little longer."

What happened next, I would have never saw coming!!

I reset the time.
Stood there staring at it...
I know, I know... a watched pot never boils....
No... actually I realized that I hadn't unloaded my dishwasher yet.
So, I turned and walked away.

Suddenly... BOOM!
My microwave door flew open and scalding hot water spew out all over my floor.
Not kidding.

Not gonna lie... I screamed and a little cuss word might have slipped out.
I peaked around the microwave door sure that the pyrex bowl was going to be in a million little pieces... but it wasn't... and it was dry.
Dry, I tell you!!

I didn't understand how my kitchen floor could be wet and the bowl was dry???
So... of course, I Googled it. (yeah.. I Google everything!)

Here's what I found:
Boiling hot water needs somewhere for bubbles to form, and sometimes in a smooth container(like Pyrex) it can superheat. Then as soon as the liquid is disturbed, it can suddenly explode in a rush of steam.

The worst thing you can do is heat water in a microwave twice, because the first heating will clear out any tiny bubbles, meaning the second time through will be more likely to superheat it.

So... there you have it.
I made water explode!
I wonder... how dangerous is sitting on your couch eating bonbons? Cause obviously cleaning is too dangerous for me. :)

Yep. This is me

2011-09-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

The break up

2011-09-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't been sleeping...
and when I have... I have been having nightmares...
Ones of where I am completely out of control.
I had one the other night that I was driving my fellow teachers in a school van and I kept having panic attacks and running us off the road. The attack finally got so bad that I pulled over and while hyperventilating, I said, "I can't. I just can't. Someone else is gonna have to take over!!"

Even though I am having a great school year with my students and my class... our school is changing things up report card wise and it is stressing me out!!

Also, things are too good with DP...
I know this isn't a reason to be stressed... but I am not used to being "on" all the time.
R.(my ex husband) was always gone due to coaching sports... S(the guy I dated for a year) was a long distance relationship who I only saw on the weekends.
DP wants to spend every evening with me when I don't have my boys... I know I should view this as a good thing... but I feel like I don't have any breathing room... and I'm slowly suffocating.

It's only September... I shouldn't be this stressed yet. :(

You only turn 36 once

2011-09-14T00:18:00.000-05:00

I had a great birthday!
I really did.

My friends surprised me with a mustache party.

Some of them really got into it

We played some Minute To Win It...

We saw how many people could fit onto one bed...

Don't ask how I came about wearing cat ears... not sure how that happened. LOL
We all had a great time though!!

Reason why ALL the suffering I went through last year was worthwhile

2011-09-13T10:35:00.001-05:00

This is from the little boy that no one wanted in their classroom... and sometimes I wondered if I did.

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

2011-09-11T13:58:00.000-05:00

I am a teacher.
Most of my life events are tied to being in a school building in one way or another.
Most memories involve those people that I worked with and became close friends with.

Ten years ago was no exception.
I was in my classroom teaching.
My janitor pops his head in my door and motions for me to come.
(He was an elderly gentleman and he liked to stop and share his latest joke from time to time.)
I walk to the door and he whispers, "Did you hear about the Twin Towers?"
Shaking my head, I respond, "No, what about them?"
"A plane hit one."

Now mind you... I thought he was telling a joke and all I knew was that I didn't catch the punchline, so I said, "What?? I don't get it."
So he repeated himself.
"You know... The Twin Towers... in New York (I nodded my head) ... a plane hit one." Then he added, "They're not exactly sure what happened... They think it was a hostage situation... It's all over the TV."

I remember my brain moving in slow motion... slowing processing what he was saying.

We had one TV that got stations and it was in the Art room across the hall. (the rest were just hooked to VCRs) Myself and the other 4th grade teacher walked our classes over to see the news footage unfolding this horrific event. The other plane hitting. People jumping. Looking back, that wasn't the best decision... but we really didn't know what we were going to be seeing. Quickly though, we decided that this was too much for us to process, much less ten year olds... so we headed outside for recess. Military jets flew over us as we tried to keep the normalcy of our school day.

By now, we knew it was a terrorist attack. We knew it would change our lives... but we weren't sure how. There were reports that by the end of the day gas prices would be astronomical, so our principal came down and said she would let us all go a few at a time to go get gas. I sat in a bumper to bumper gas line a mile long. After filling up, I headed inside to pay. I said to the cashier, "This is crazy!!" She replied, "The owner keeps calling and telling me to stop the pumps and raise the price. I told him that there is no way... that I would have a riot on my hands. This last time he called, I told him that if he wanted it done then he would have to come do it himself... but that this place will be completely sold out of gas before he can even get here."

By the time I got back to school, parents began arriving to get their kids. Questions started to arise as to why... they didn't understand the magnitude of what was occurring... none of us did. But being their teacher, I tried to answer their questions. That is the only time I have full fledged lost it crying in front of my class. I explained that this was a scary time for us all... that I knew that my brother-in-law who was in the military would be called to duty... to a job that we didn't know who the enemy was yet... and to me that was the scariest thing of all.

As a 26 year old woman, I couldn't wrap my head around the hatred as the scenes kept repeating themselves over and over and over again on my television set. A hatred that would cause someone to cause to a whole nation to be in pain. Ten years later... I still don't understand that hatred.
But I do know... I will never forget that day...

It's my party... I'll bake if I want to

2011-09-10T08:41:00.001-05:00

So... my besties are throwing me a party tonight and I am SOOOO excited!!

I have always loved surprises... and this week of hushed voices and "You just don't worry about what we're doing... mind your own business!" given with a smirk, has just been all kinds of wonderful!

However, I have never been one to have a party and not contribute. I saw this recipe this past week and decided that this was what I was going to add to the deliciousness that my friends would be bringing:

Caramel Chocolate Pretzel Brownies

I mean, doesn't just the name of it send you to your knees??

Here's what you need:

Favorite brownie mix (mixed to box directions)
Kraft Caramel Bits & Chocolate chips(I used semi-sweet)
3 cups crushed pretzels
1 cup melted butter
5 tbsp sugar

(I have never taken pictures of the process of making food before... it just seems daunting to me to stop what I'm doing to take a pic... that and food just isn't the best subject when you want a certain pose. haha. But I figured, I would try it this once.)

First you crush up the pretzels. I used a rolling pin and a ziplock baggie... if you have a food processor you could use that too... I just went old school.

work it... work it...

(I like a little extra crunch, so I didn't crush mine completely)

Combine pretzels, sugar, and melted butter. Mix well.
Press pretzel mixture into baking pan that has been sprayed lightly with cooking spray.

Make brownie mix according to package directions.

Mix in caramel bits and chocolate chips. (I found the caramel bits by the caramel in the candy aisle)

the recipe didn't say how much of each... so I added both FULL bags... Yumm!!

Mix well and then pour over pretzel mixture.

Bake according to brownie package directions.

It already looks so good and I haven't even cut it yet!! It would be perfect with ice cream... maybe add a little fudge or caramel sauce... I mean, if you're gonna do it you might as well go all the way, right??

**I will update tonight after I serve it, so you can see the deliciousness in it's sliced form.**

A Series of Unexpected Events ~ Friday confessionals

2011-09-09T01:57:00.002-05:00

I confess... that the past week has been filled with unexpectedness.

I confess... that these arrived to my classroom a week before my birthday. Needless to say I was surprised.

I confess... I wasn't sure as to what to think when I saw this do... but have decided that I won't be doing it any time soon...

I confess... I don't just <3 my bestie, but her daughter and hubby as well....

I confess... this day could not come soon enough for me...

I confess... removing a frozen bag of corn from a hot burner doesn't bode well for a clean kitchen... or the attempt to make tacos quickly.

I confess... going out with friends to a comedy club = just as many laughs before the show as during.

I confess... two lost teeth in a week's time reminds me how fast they are growing...

I confess... it made me sad when I was no longer needed for the water slide.

I confess... I have the best group of students this year!!

I confess... that my allergies had me coughing SO bad that the only relief I found in the house was this...

I confess... even though I am still fighting the urge to "run", I thoroughly enjoyed getting a special dinner made for me and my fav. chocolates for a b-day present. (the red velvet cupcakes were yummy too!)

I confess... I'm finally getting used to my "longer" hair... Whadda think??

That's my boy!

2011-09-03T09:36:00.000-05:00

Being 6 and 8, my boys all of a suddenly think they are big...
So...they had a camp out in their dad's front yard.
They each got to invite a friend.

Late last night, my ex, R, snuck out to check on them.
This is what he reported this morning he heard:

Colby: Let's play truth or dare!
L (Colby's friend): Okay, Colby, you first then... truth or dare?
Colby: Truth.
L: You ever kissed a girl?
Colby: Yep!
L: You have??!! Who??!!
Colby: (Serious as can be) My mom.

What are you fighting for? - Friday Confessional

2011-09-02T00:32:00.004-05:00

I confess... I'm surviving my year so far without having my bestie, Laura, next door to me.
I confess... that, without her though, I am a lone wolf.
I confess... that I am doing my best to "fit in" with the "others"... but it always seems fake and surfacey.
I confess... I'm not a fake and surfacey type of gal.

I confess... that my ex and I have been fighting.
I confess... this is not normal for us.
I confess... I don't like it... but I don't like to be steamrolled either.

I confess... I haven't cut my hair since May.
I confess... I thought it would be awful.
I confess... I actually have liked all the different styles I have tried so far.
I confess... I have gotten LOTS of compliments.
I confess... I wish it would grow faster.

I confess... my birthday is less than a week away... and I'm stoked!!

I confess... my besties are throwing a party for me at my house. Theme suggestions anyone??
I confess... I haven't had a birthday party thrown for me since I was 22.
I confess... My mom threw my last party for me.
I confess... I have missed having birthday parties.

Just when I got used to being alone

2011-08-31T21:35:00.000-05:00

I normally am not hesitant...
I have been in relationships.
I know the ups and downs.
I kinda know what to expect.

About a month ago, I had decided that I was good where I was at.
I was happy with it being my boys and I.
I was happy with being alone.

Everyone has always told me that when you stop looking is when it happens.
I'm not saying love... because I don't feel like I'm in love.
But I have found someone that I will let hang around for a while...

DP and I have been friends since college.
He's going through a divorce.
I have offered a listening ear.

The time we have spent together has slowly increased.
We have taken the step farther to agree that we are dating.

But I have started freaking out inside.
I like the friendship that we have... but I'm not sure I am cut out for a relationship anymore.
I would rather cut ties when things are going well than to be hurt again.
Looking back I have done this with the last few guys.

The thing is... with the last few guys, I haven't "known" them.
I know DP.
He is in my circle of friends.
So, this 'taking it to the next step' is even scarier for me because if things don't work out, not only do I lose a boyfriend, I lose a friend as well...

He and I discussed this.
We sat at my kitchen table and I told him that I would rather walk away than to get hurt.
He told me he doesn't plan on hurting me... or letting me walk away.
I guess we'll see where life decides to take me...

How the 13th turned out to be lucky...

2011-08-26T11:35:00.001-05:00

On the morning of August 13, I sat in my hotel's continental breakfast area with my boys watching the weather report.

Rain.

Rain on my brother's wedding day.

I was sad... they had planned... and practiced ...for an outside wedding ...on the bluff ...looking over Lake Michigan... and one minuscule word was going to ruin it all... Rain.

Pictures were to start for the guys at 11:30.
The rain started at 10:00.
Not light misty rain.... No. Hard torrential rain.

I call my brother, Tim, "So... what's the plan?"
"We're getting married on the bluff!!!"

11:30 comes... The rain stops.
The guys get their pictures done.

Pictures for the girls were to start at 12:45.
12:20 - Rain. a nice, steady rain.

I call my brother, Tim, "So... what's the plan?"
"We're getting married on the bluff!!! Tell everyone to come to the bluff. You have pictures in 20 minutes."

12:45 comes... The rain stops.
Pictures end for us girls around 1:30... as guest begin to arrive... so does the rain...

People carrying umbrellas.
Looking. Wondering... if it will be moved inside.
But I already knew the answer... so I wasn't going to be the one to ask again.

At 2:00... the time Xuan was to walk down the aisle... the rain stopped... the sky blued.

She looked stunning!!(Like all brides should be)

They had a little silliness... as all wedding should have. (Check out the ring barer)

By the time they kissed, you would have never known it rained.

I got to see my brother happier than I have ever seen him be...

My siblings and I happily welcomed Xuan to our family.

We got into cars to head for the Vietnamese ceremony.
The sky opened up.
Perfect timing.... because the rest was inside.

My brother has always said the thirteenth was his lucky number... guess it proved to be true.

Tim & Xuan cutting the cake I made

Can you put that thing away?!

2011-08-25T19:18:00.000-05:00

Let me just preface with the fact that I am all about breastfeeding.
I breastfed both my boys until they were 15months old.
I diligently pumped.
I did all that was needed to sustain that situation for my children.

With that being said... I was conscious of the fact that not everyone wanted to see my hugely engorged milking machines I called breasts.

At my brother's wedding, I ran into my cousin, A. I honestly probably haven't seen her since she was in my wedding back in 1999. She has a little one about 5 months old. We stood and chatted for a while.

Later after dinner, when I was walking back to my table, she grabbed my arm. I, of course, looked down to see who had me. I was completely taken aback when I looked down to see her boob hanging out of her shirt... her son was on her lap... and her boob was just there!!! for God and all creation to see!!!

She says to me, "My husband says that you two have never met... I wanted to introduce you."

I'm not exactly sure as to what I said in response... because in my head I was thinking, "well... your boob and I haven't been formally introduced either, but I sure do feel like we are getting to know each other quite well."

I saw myself in her

2011-08-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

Today I got a call...

"Hey Dawn. I have a little girl in my class whose dad is abusive... and they had to move into a safe house... Well... I know you had to do that as a kid... Do you think you could come and talk to her?"

Of course I didn't mind... but you see... I don't think of that part of my life very often. In fact, unless someone else brings it up, I don't ever think about it.

My dad was physically abusive to my mom. My brothers and I used to lay over her... trying to protect her. How does a 3, 5, and 6 year old protect their mom?? Any way we could. We knew our dad wouldn't hit us... but somehow our 3 small little bodies didn't cover all of hers and he would find a spot we weren't covering... and he would grab that spot with all of his might yanking her out from under us... the whole time, we would be screaming, "Stop. Stop. Please Daddy, stop!"

Even though I hated that he did that... he was still my Daddy... and I loved him. I felt as though I was betraying my mom for feeling that. I even had a very vivid dream (that I thought was true until I questioned my mom about it years later.) where I thought I was given the choice of living with my mom or my dad. I remembering in my dream crying while struggling with the decision. (You see, I was a Daddy's girl.) But then I decided I couldn't leave my mom... knowing the struggle she went through to get us all out of that awful situation. So (in my dream) I kissed my dad good-bye and told him I was sorry and went running to my mom.

So, as I walked down the hall today, I didn't know what I was going to say. When I got to the little girl's classroom, her teacher called her out. I recognized her immediately! I had her in summer school. She was always overly quiet. There were a few times that I got her on a topic and it was like she was a changed child. But mainly, she was quiet. That was me as a kid. I knew if I kept my mouth shut, no one would know of the horrible monster that lived inside my house. The horrible monster that I loved. If you were good and quiet, people didn't question you... they didn't wonder of bad things... because you were so good... and so quiet. A little piece of my heart broke that I didn't notice the reflection of myself in her this summer.

But I was glad I was being able to help now and so, her and I went and found a quiet spot to sit. I asked her if she would like to tell me what was going on. She told me her daddy would get drunk and mean and then hit them, and so her mom moved them to a safe house.

We talked about how scary people can be when they are like that. We talked about how her and her family are in a better place because they don't have to worry about the scariness now. We talked about what things are the same at the safe house as at home... and what things are different... and what things she liked there. (She liked the comfy beds. - I told her I liked meeting lots of new friends.) I assured her that it's okay to love her dad... just not love the scary situations he puts them in. I told her that her and her mom and her sister were very brave to get themselves out of a situation like that and move to a place where that won't happen anymore.

I filled her with things that I wish someone would have known to tell me all of those years ago. Then I hugged her and told her that any time she needed to talk to come find me... because I know even those you are safe physically, your mind reminds you from time to time what you went through... and sometimes, it's just good to know you have someone to talk to.

No rest for the weary

2011-08-24T12:13:00.000-05:00

So we left Chicago the evening of the 10th and drove up to Milwaukee.

The next morning, (Thursday, Aug 11), we got up and headed over to my brother's fiance's family's house so I could begin baking the wedding cake. (Yes... I agreed to make the wedding cake. No... I have never made a wedding cake before. Yes... I was nervous that I might screw the whole thing up and I would be known for the "Wedding Cake Disaster." No... I didn't tell anyone this... confidence is key.)

While the cakes cooled, I took the boys back to the hotel to let them swim in the pool.

You see... my boys' one request was that we stayed in a hotel with a pool. So... I found us one. Someone forgot to let them in on the little secret that just cause you stay at a hotel with a pool... doesn't mean you get to swim at it.

Kidding. Kidding. Kinda. We ended up having one hour for the boys to swim... not just that day... Nope. The entire time we were there!!
I felt so bad.
But what was I to do??
I had a cake to make.

The next day we had rehearsal and set up... and the rehearsal dinner... Time to spend with the family...

...but no time for swimming...

Give me 8 hours, I will fill your day

2011-08-23T23:11:00.001-05:00

Back to telling you about our little vacation... I know. I know. this has been soooo broken up, But I promise to post the rest of it in the next consecutive days so I can move on and tell you all of the other fun-filled craziness that I call life...

On Wednesday morning (Aug10), I wake up and think it must be getting ready to rain... because it was so dark and this is what I see out the hotel window:

Yeah... I'm not used to located my sunshine by bouncing it off of windows...

After I figured out it was actually sunny, we headed down for our continental breakfast.

I had a list of things for us to see and do in Chicago... but I thought we would just pick a couple considering I saw HOW much taxis were gonna cost us from the night before.

Right when we were finishing up, a woman leaned over my shoulder.
"Is this your first day in the city?"
"We got in last night."
"Could you use these?? They're guided bus tour passes. I have 3 of them. They're good for the next 2 days."

Amazing how God works.
Didn't even have time to ask before He provided.

(I checked later online... the passes were $31.50 each!!)

So we jumped on the bus tour... it took us around to all the places we wanted to see AND taught us about the city. :)

Stop 1 - Willis Tower aka Sears Tower... We didn't go up... we had other places to visit

Stop 2 - The old Chicago Theatre

Stop 3 - Millennium Park - Cloud Gate (This was on my list!!)

Also known as "The Bean"

I love Chicago!!

Then we got an added bonus because an orchestra was playing in the amphitheater in the park.

Stop 4 - John Hancock Observatory

Looking up

Looking down

Pretending to be window washers

Watching the REAL window washers :)

I decided since we had used a taxi, a bus, and our car... that it would be okay to use our own feet to get us to Navy Pier about a mile away. We got to walk alongside Lake Michigan. I explained how Uncle Tim was on the other side somewhere looking across at us. :)

We arrived at Navy Pier, but didn't have time for the Children's museum... maybe next time.

We rode the giant ferris wheel. Sam's fear of heights didn't even kick in... much. lol

We hopped back on the bus tour and it took us to see Marilyn...

...and Trump

We pulled out of Chicago at 5:30. We spent exactly 24 hours in that city... Oh... I am so ready to go back!!!

When you thought life was simple

2011-08-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

My ex, R., and his gf broke up.
I hurt for my children.
They have seen the demise of too many relationships.

This is why I haven't entered another relationship...
I didn't grow up with parents who were together.
I didn't see my mother in a healthy loving relationship...I knew she loved us... I just didn't see her in love.

I now know that it is just as important for children to see that you deserve that love as well... if they don't see how to give and take love... a sustaining love... a romantic love... then how can they emulate that in their own lives?

That is my one wish for my children... to have to have happy, healthy, sustaining loving relationships.

Why I haven't posted - Friday Confessional

2011-08-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

I confess... I have SO much left to share from our vacation and my brother's wedding... but, of course, I got back home and reality struck.

I confess... I had to get back to work on Monday after driving the whole way from Wisconsin on Sunday.

I confess... It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be... even after spending the night in a hotel with a screaming toddler next door who cried from 11pm till 4 am...

I confess... I just laughed when Colby questioned "Why haven't you done laundry yet mom?" when they got back home to me Wed. night after I had 'Meet the Teacher' Night on Monday, meetings all day Monday and Tuesday, and school started Wednesday. .

I confess... that my class this year is pretty much a bunch of wonderful!!!!!

I confess... I honestly can say I was dreading day #1. But knew I was in for a treat when my colleague next door came to see if we were even in the room because it was sooo quiet. (There wasn't a single quiet day last year... there was always a hum about them... it was exhausting!!)

I confess... Today I received the nicest compliment from a colleague... They said, "Dawn, you are beautiful on the outside... but more importantly you are beautiful in the inside. You never hesitate to help someone out when they need it."

I confess... I needed that.

I confess... My ac in my classroom was out all day.

I confess... I think it made me a little delirious.

I confess... I plan to move tomorrow to the empty room that my bestie, Laura, left when she went to 2nd grade if mine isn't fixed.

I confess... I might not tell anybody in the school just for fun... to see if they can find me. haha

Been kissed by the Windy City

2011-08-14T23:28:00.000-05:00

I've decided that I will live in Chicago one day...
I just couldn't help myself.
Every where I turned I wanted to smile... the opportunities, the fun, the excitement.
I have never lived in a big city before... I kinda feel like a piece of my life is missing.

I started to talk to the boys about it... mom living in a city, like Chicago.
Nope. They didn't want to hear anything about it.

I asked if they would want to live in a city when they grew up.
Sam was def. out.
Colby was willing... but because he wants to live by Sam when he grows up... and Sam was out, so was Colby.
I'm NOT willing to live my life through my children!! I want to live my own life!
So... here's to figuring out how to make that happen...

They're blue, but they're NOT Smurfs - aka - an Unexpected Gift

2011-08-12T23:01:00.000-05:00

The next day, we pulled out of the city of St. Louis and headed to the city of Chicago.
If you have never made that trek before, let me break it down for you... city, vast land of nothingness, city.
I thought we would never get to Chicago!!!
So... when I saw this:

I was tickled pink!!!

As I was planning for this trip, I kept asking everyone what we shouldn't miss in Chicago... somehow, no one could tell me much.
However, I had forgotten that B.P. loved this city... so I texted him as I was sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
"Blue Man Group!!!!" I get back from him.
"Sure. If only I was rich..."
"Take your boys, you won't regret it!!"
"I can't."
About 10 minutes later, I got a text from him.
"Are you about to your hotel? ...Because you'd better not be late... your reservations for Blue Man Group are at 8. Pick your tickets up at will call :)"

I couldn't believe it!! I couldn't thank him enough! Of course, I had never expected that!!

We quickly arrived to our hotel room.

This was the WHOLE room!!

Which just so happened to be located next to this place...

We unpacked and hopped in a cab.

the boys' first cab ride

Blue Man Group was AWESOME!!!

Everything from the lobby...

To the Black lights...

that make my teeth EXTRA white ;)

To the performers...

Yeah... it was an exceptionally wonderful surprise!!

Climbing is the only cure for gravity

2011-08-12T00:51:00.000-05:00

The second day of our vacation led us to the Arch and The City Museum in St. Louis.

I like to call this day of our vacation "Let's-see-how-many-things-we-can-do-to-help-Sam-overcome-his-fear-of-heights Day."

Of course, that is way TOO long to say repeatedly... so here is "Defy Gravity Day."

As we approached The Arch, Sam looked up and gasped, "We're going up there?!?"

"Yep. You'll be fine." I said.

...and he was.

Both boys especially enjoyed seeing Busch Stadium from up above.

And both loved the tiny little elevator that we rode up and down in. (I on the other hand... wasn't a big fan.)

Don't get me wrong... I don't have a fear of small spaces... my boys said it reminded them of something that would take them to outer space. I sighed knowing that dream in children will now be fading... until it is no more.

After that, we headed to The City Museum. Whomever designed this place MUST have had boys!! It is filled with nooks and crannies to crawl and climb through.

Places to swing and run and jump.

Places down low...

and places up high...

(yep, that's Colby and Sam up there 5 stories high)

a 10-story slide

And they even had someone to change my children into tigers.

It was a good day... and I think, my boys were actually tired at the end of all of it.

I went to the zoo. I thought of you.

2011-08-11T10:53:00.000-05:00

The boys and I set out on this adventure we will call a vacation... I have a feeling by the time it is all said and done, I will need a vacation!! Instead, I will get to start school.

Pulling out... No turning back now.

Day 1 consisted of us meeting up with my bestie, Laura, and her daughter in St. Louis to go to the zoo.

We went to visit the monkeys... so we could get a picture of all of the monkeys together... Some would not cooperate...

Yes... that would be the backside of a monkey...

It was SOOOOO hot out... we stopped under the mister fans every chance we got!!

Then we rode the carousel. I didn't include the pic of me on my animal... because I picked a puffin (to be next to Sam) and I looked ridiculous!!
Seriously.
So... here is everyone else.

Then we went to pet the stink rays... we were told not to pet the baby ones...

But this baby one loved us SOOOO much... It kept trying to swim up the ledge to us. (we didn't pet it though :)

Next we visited the hippos.

and Colby bought this CRAZY hat!! (G'ma Gail... They are picking out their own souvenirs ;)

This is just the beginning. MANY more adventures to come.

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth... just yet

2011-08-10T22:35:00.001-05:00

So... I'm sure you all thought, "Huh. August started... Where's Dawn??"
Or, maybe, you didn't give two shin diggities about where I've been.

Either way, I got straight back into my classroom August 1st.
After the year that I had last year, I can honestly say, getting back to work hasn't exactly made me jump for joy.
But, I had no choice.
My brother is getting married ...and I only had last week to get things sorted out, and put back together so I would feel (at least) semi-excited a new school year was starting.

I did all my normal stuff:
-re-arrange desks
-put down name tags
-make open house packets

But I just couldn't shake off the feeling of the badness that occurred in my room last year.
So... despite the fact that I didn't have time... I redid all of my bulletin boards. I made new labels for my book boxes.... I gave my room a face lift it so desperately needed!!

I sighed as I walked out... cause I know I have a good group of kiddos coming my way... and now I actually feel ready for them to join me.

(Come back and see me tomorrow... I'll show you what else I have been up to. ;)

The Wall

2011-08-04T11:32:00.003-05:00

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to the dating world.

I had a guy tell me not too long ago that dating most women is hard because they are like onions... you slowly peel away the layers to get to know them... but most of the time, you will peel away a layer that reveals her wall.

I fully admitted to him, that you don't have to peel back very many of my layers before you locate the wall.

The wall is an ugly place to be.
It makes me question every guys' intent.
It normally makes me run... and run fast.
It doesn't allude to a successful loving relationship.
I have found myself use my children , my job, and my friends as part of my wall to hide behind.
I don't allow guys to meet my boys... this limits our time... and their involvement in my life.
I can feel the wall creep to the surface... and despite the fact that I try to keep the wall at bay, it still shows up.

Comfortable

2011-07-29T12:54:00.002-05:00

Something I didn't go into a lot of detail yesterday was that my friend, D. went along with the boys and I.
He is going through a rough divorce and he just needed a day away.
I needed an extra person to ride in the Zorb ball because it was required that two people ride.
It seemed like a perfect solution.

The car ride was 3 hours... we spent the time delving into each others' lives farther than we already knew of one another.
We arrived early.
We found a little diner in town.
D. (being the gentleman that he is) picked up the tab.
We looked like the perfect little family... I let people assumed that much.
It's been a long time since I got to "play" in that role... the last time was when I dated Spencer... That ended in February 2010.

From there, we were still early.
It was smokin' hot out... and the water was so inviting...
So I let the boys change into their swimsuits and enjoy the cool refreshment of the spring water.

It was then time to Zorb ball!
I was glad that I had D. along though because once we arrived, the Zorb ball people tried to tell me that Sam couldn't ride because he wasn't tall enough. (It had said nothing of the sorts on their website)
Don't get me wrong... I'm a strong woman and can hold my ground, but it is always nice to have someone else there to back you.
The whole reason we were here was because I had ziplined with Colby and this was Sam's "thing".
So after D. and I convinced the folks that Sam would be fine... that he would hold on tight... they let us go.
Zorb balling took only about 30 minutes total.

We had driven 3 hours... None of us were ready to get back in the car for another 3 hour drive yet...so we decided to find a local trail and hike.
We ended up at Alley Spring.
It was gorgeous there!

We climbed in caves.

Colby loves climbing high.. so he was in heaven.

Most of the time, Sam didn't want to be left behind.

Sometimes though, they needed some help getting down.

Overall, it was a great day!

When my bestie called to ask how I would describe the day with D. along... all I could say was, "Comfortable."

It's been a long time since I have been able to say that...

We be ballin' ... Zorb Ballin' that is!!

2011-07-28T20:42:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, The boys and I headed 3 hours east to experience Zorb balling.
What is Zorb balling?? You might ask.

Well... it is a giant inflatable ball that you climb in and roll down a hill.
I'll let the pictures do the talking. :)

Holding on...

2011-07-28T13:19:00.000-05:00

It's funny the things we hold onto...
Little glimpses of life that has long passed us by.
Little things that we do to help us not forget.

My garage door code is my mom's birthday.
Like I would ever forget my mom's birthday!!
But (just in case) I punch it in... to remember.

A picture of me in my wedding gown sits on my nightstand table.
I am young... and beaming from ear to ear.
I felt like a princess and saw my "perfect" life coming together.
I keep that picture up (just in case) I don't ever feel that way again... to remember.

I have a storage closet in my basement full of baby things.
Things I should have long since gotten rid of... I mean, my boys are 6 and 8.
The prospect of me having another child... well, let's be honest.. that door is slowly closing.
I always thought I would have a houseful of children... okay, maybe not a houseful, but at least three...
But I can't seem to bring myself to part with those teeny tiny things (just in case) because I would love to hold one more of my own some day... and if not ... to remember.

Kindness... pass it on

2011-07-26T20:26:00.002-05:00

"25.47" the cashier repeats.
The woman's face flushes.
She glances downward at the bills in her hand.
Then she turns to her elderly mother, "Mom, figure out what we can put back... just one thing and we'll be fine."
At the risk of intruding, I ask, "How much do you need?"
"Ummmm... 47 cents"
"Here, I've got it." I say, digging before the woman can respond.
"Thank you so much!!"

As the woman and her mother walk away, everyone around is surprised by the kindness and starts to vocalize how wonderful it was that I did that... I would hope that if I hadn't, someone else would have.

An elderly man works behind the lemonade stand.
One after another folks walk up, place their order, pay, get their drink and leave.
No conversation is passed between them.
The man barely looks up at them.
It's mundane... one after another.
I step up to his stand.
"It's a hot one out, huh? I come to your cart every time I come here 'cause you have the best frozen lemonade here! I don't like that fake stuff."
He looks up at me and smiles... you can tell this is the first real conversation he has had all day.
"Well, then, This one's on me." he says.
I reach out to shake his hand and to thank him.
He holds on.
I smile and and give his hand a little squeeze.
"Thanks. You made my day." he says.
"No, thank you... you made mine."

Remember... it's not the big things that mean the world...

Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step to the summit.

2011-07-22T23:38:00.000-05:00

My circle of friends who are divorced or going through a divorce continues to grow.
This truly saddens me.
I never imagined I would be part of this ~~elite~~ common group.

Because becoming part of this group is a struggle, I always try to aide anyone that I can with any advice I can give. I don't view my advice as perfect. I don't view my advice as being for everyone. I just view it as... if I can help someone ease their way down this path... I want to.

One of my friends is currently going through these struggles.
One reaction to this stress is insomnia. They have slept about 2 hours in the last 48.
I explained to them that they need to try... try everything!... because living your life as a zombie... isn't living.
This is when they told me they felt like they aren't living life currently... that life is just passing them by.

I know this feeling!!
I have so been there.
It's a stage of this process that no one tells you that you have to go through.
When I was there, I didn't think I would ever get past it.

That's where I came in today...
I told my friend, "It does get better! Just wait... when you get to the 'Living Life' stage... you appreciate it so much more... because you survived THAT other stage."

Here's to surviving to the next stage...

I MIGHT have trouble on my hands one day....

2011-07-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

‎(Conversation driving home tonight)

Me: I think we will try this way, I think it will get us home faster.
Colby: Yeah... It's called a short cut.
Sam: Yeah... like if you were be chased by the cops, it would be an AWESOME getaway road.

Crazy on the Outside

2011-07-18T00:33:00.003-05:00

I used to think that my life would get easier over time...
I used to think that things would settle down...
I used to think smooth sailing was the way it should be...
I now know that probably won't ever be true.

I live a crazy life.
It keeps me going.
I love that I can get up in the morning and not have a clue as to what the day holds...
I love that I fall into bed at night smiling that my life is full... full of friends ...and family ...and laughter.
Sure, it's crazy that I have 3 men vying for my attention.
Sure, it's crazy ... but I love it

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life

2011-07-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

Do you know what disgusts me?
Cheating.
My ex did it to me.
Beforehand, I was so naive.

Now... I see it going on all around me.
I see the signs.
I hear the talk.
...and I want to shout, "Hello?? Don't you see what is happening?? Save your marriage!! Or, at the very least, save yourself!!"

But you see... No one can make you step out of that situation.
No one can heal that pain for you.
You turn a blind eye... hoping... praying... that things will be okay.

I have a friend who found out that her husband was cheating on her.
She used to be so bubbly and full of life... ready for anything!
I used to know when I called her (no matter what we were doing) she would be in.
Now... she won't leave home unless her husband wants to join in also.
I know she is doing this to prevent him from having time alone... time to cheat.
It is killing her.
She is completely losing herself.
She looks exhausted all the time.

Yet, she won't leave him... not yet anyways.
I get that.
I have been there.
You have to hit rock bottom and then decide you deserve better for yourself.
But until then... no one will be able to get you there.

Summer confessions - Friday Confessional

2011-07-15T02:08:00.001-05:00

I confess... I have forgotten what day it is several times already this summer.
I confess... I don't feel bad about this.

I confess... my daily routine has turned to going to bed at 2:30 am and waking at 9:30 am.
I confess... I am going to die when school starts back!!!

I confess... I don't feel like I have spent enough time with my boys this summer even though I have had them the same amount of time as normal. I think this is because we have been on the go all the time.

I confess... I went on another date with B.P. ... I know, I know! Will I not ever learn?? I think I have. He's not for me. I knew this months ago. I just had to let my head catch up with my heart.

I confess... I went on a date with one of my friend's brothers. He's a great guy... but I know blood is thicker than water ...and I know if things ended badly between us, I would lose her and I's friendship. So, I told him we could just be friends. He said he was okay with that... but knowing he had wanted to date me all the way back in college, I'm not sure I believe him.
I confess... he has called or texted me every night since our date.

I confess... that I didn't do anything on yesterday (Thursday) evening just in case the new guy asked me out.
I confess... we didn't go out.... and I was a little disappointed... but we did talk for another hour or so.

I confess... I tend to screw things up with the ones I actually like.
I confess... I don't know why I do that...
I confess... I am really hoping and praying this time will be different.

I confess... I have kinda outgrown the idea of regrowing my hair...
I confess... my friends have not!! They have put me on 24-hour surveillance to ensure I don't cut my hair.
I confess... THAT might be a slight exaggeration... but they REALLY don't want me to cut it.
I confess... after hearing someone describe what extensions do to your real hair, I decided I was out.
I confess... the only reason I was willing to go through this whole process was because I thought I could go short to long over night.
I confess... it doesn't look like it is going to be that easy.

I confess... my bestie has been gone for a week on vacation and I'm going a little stir-crazy without her around.

I confess... yesterday I texted 4 different friends at the same time in between talking to 3 other friends on the phone.

I confess... none of them were my bestie. sigh.

Strangers are friends you have yet to meet

2011-07-13T23:51:00.004-05:00

I relish in the fact that I have an ease about me when getting to know someone new...

When meeting someone, if they are willing to put forth the effort, I can find a relate-able topic and talk to just about anyone.

With that being said, there are some people when I meet them, there is just an ease in the conversation... a sense of already knowing each other. We fall into a conversation like we have been lifelong friends. We open up and tell each other things that only our closest friends know about us... a sense of security that shouldn't be there with a "stranger."

It was like this with B.P., which is why I think it has been so hard to move him out of my life. Come to think of it... it was that way with Spencer as well.

Most people that I have met (like this), I have remained friends with, be they male or female. Having that connection right off, kinda connects you for life.

Well... I have started to talk to someone new off of Match.
I normally don't post before I go on a date with someone... I mean... I go on a lot of first dates!! You would all get tired of me telling you about them. Seriously.

But this guy... I can't even explain it... He has the same philosophy as me... he knows he's not perfect, nor has his life been perfect... but he sees that even with the bad things there is always a silver lining... you just have to look for it.

We seriously talked on the phone for 3 hours today! We shared what we have done right in our relationships... AND what we have done wrong...and how those things will make us better in our next relationship. We talked about hard things... like death and divorce. Like I said... we talked like we knew each other enough to share all of this personal deep stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not deciding that this is the person I am meant to be with... if that is what you are thinking, then you are reading this all wrong! What I am saying is... I think I have gained another lifelong friend ...and I haven't even met him yet.

But if something more comes from it, I'm good with that too!! ;)

Things I've been called...

2011-07-11T21:46:00.000-05:00

As a baby, I was told I was called charismatic... my mother said people were just drawn to me... I had a beautiful smile and an ease about me.

As a child, I was called an "old soul" ... I would sit quietly among the adults and absorb in their conversations. I did hard things like announce the death of loved ones to other family members... Not in a loud-boastful way, but more of a calm-concerned-for-others-around-me sort of way.

I've been told I'm empathetic. I have a good listening ear... and occasionally give some advice that actually makes sense.

I've been called quick-witted. I think fast on my feet and sometimes find myself suppressing my sarcasm as it comes to me even when the time is inappropriate. I do, however, reveal in the laughter that my wit brings to others.

I've been called sharp-tongued. That same quick-wit that pushes humor through also allows for mean spirited comments when I feel like a cornered animal. This part of me isn't shown often... but when it is, it is fierce.

I've been called outgoing. What most don't know is that I have had to work myself into this position. Now, by the time I leave a room full of people, I am normally known throughout. As a child, I hid behind my mother. As a teenager, I clung to the walls... but all along I was watching... learning... seeing the folks that I wished I could be more like. What I learned is the people I most wanted to be like did not hesitate when it came to walking up to others and starting a conversation... they had an ease... a confidence about them. I still have to suppress that fearful soul to allow the outgoing person to shine.

I've been called mindful. I have truly started to look inward the last couple of years. I find enjoyment in the small things. I seek out adventure and am open to any experience. I sometimes feel like I am living my life in reverse. I was hesitant... scared to try new things when I was younger. I now don't feel like I have time for those emotions. I see every challenge as an opportunity.

I've been called many things... some positive... some negative... most true... but the things I've been called are only a reflection of who I truly am... so I am trying to make sure I am proud of what others are calling me.

10 Reasons Why I Loooove my friends

2011-07-10T13:03:00.000-05:00

#10 - They call me to come over after they have watched a scary movie so they don't have to be alone.
#9 - They don't care how much time has passed since we last saw each other and our conversations pick up like we never left off
#8 - They want to go on vacations together
#7 - They call me at midnight to tell me that they wish I was there sharing their fun times
#6 - They invite me to family events
#5 - They think my crazy ideas are great!
#4 - Their friends are my friends
#3 - They don't care about who I once was... or who I might become... they are just happy to know who I am right now!
#2 - They consider me family...Even their families consider me family.. and tell me so.
#1 - They love me for who I am and they make me laugh out loud!!!

Off Limits??

2011-07-09T07:08:00.001-05:00

Who would you consider as being off limits when it comes to dating?
A co-worker?
A client?
Your friend's brother?

Any thoughts on the upside or downside of each?
Just trying to decide where I should draw the line... that is, if a line does in fact need to be drawn.

I could really use a wish right now...

2011-07-08T22:36:00.004-05:00

I wish I had the stories that my grandparents told me stored somewhere other than in my head.

I wish I had spent more time in the kitchen with my mom.

I wish I wasn't jealous when Sam says he wants to be with his dad when he is with me (and I wish I knew if he does the same when he isn't with me.)

I wish I had all the answers to give to my brother, Tim, who is about to be married... but coming from a failed marriage, I don't exactly feel like an expert.

I wish when I thought of my father fond memories would play in my brain.

I wish I was as confident in true love and relationships working out as I once was.

I wish I didn't feel broken.

I wish I could hear my mom's laugh one more time... it was infectious... and I have forgotten what it sounds like.

Just call me Jane Jetson... Now where is my morning mask??

2011-07-06T22:35:00.000-05:00

Some of you may not have realized this...
But Facebook and Skype have paired up and now FB allows for video chat.

I Skype.
I think it's great.
My brother texts me and asks me to get on and chat.

It's my brother... No biggie if I don't look glamorous.
Anyone else... well, I straight up tell them "no" if I am looking rough.
Another reason why I don't get on Skype very often.

Now FB is a different story...I'm on FB every day!
So, today, when I downloaded this feature all I could think of was an episode of The Jetsons where Jane Jetson got a video call right after she got out of bed.

Here... watch... forward to 4:30

I guess if I am going to become a frequent user of video chat on FB I'm gonna have to find me a "morning mask."

When you thought life couldn't get any more confusing

2011-07-05T02:57:00.001-05:00

About a month ago, B.P. and I had a falling out.

Before the falling out, we were probably the closest we had been... almost best friends to each other.
Then he finally decided he wanted to give it a go and start dating me, but then got upset that I had dated other people.

Now let me just tell you... that B.P. and I went on our first date back in April 2010.
I was the first person he dated after his divorce.

He clearly wasn't ready.
I was good with that.

The problem was that even though he wasn't ready, I guess he wanted me to sit around and wait till he was ready.
Yeah... that's a no go.

Don't get me wrong... there is this undeniable electricity between us.
It's crazy.
and We feel like we have known each other forever.

Yet, every time it seemed like he was ready, he pulled back.
In May, I gave him the whatfor and he said it was probably best if we were just friends and we basically ceased contact.

This week, he has all of a sudden decided he was "ready" and then got upset that I wasn't going to drop all of my set plans because he wanted to see me and be with me.

I wish I didn't have such a strong attraction and bond with him... it would be easier to walk away and not look back ...if it wasn't like that.
But it is... and I can see me losing myself in him if we did date.

So how do I move past this... and him... without feeling a void?

That's not sweat, It's my body crying

2011-07-04T09:52:00.001-05:00

I ran a 5k this morning.
33.11
Faster than last time.
Barely.

Last time I ran it in 33.26

One of these days, I am actually train for one of these and smoke these times out of the water!
...but don't hold your breath.

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

2011-07-03T01:33:00.003-05:00

I think of my interactions with men as of late.

BP just ~~won't go away~~ keeps popping back into my life.
I blame myself.
Somehow, me making a little comment on a pic of his son on FB opened the door back up wide.
I should have kept my humor to myself.

The Fireman hasn't stop trying.
I know I could ask him to do anything and he would.
Somehow... that just doesn't have the appeal to me it should.
I like to be chased... but I also enjoy the chase.

I went on a date with a new guy.
He cracked me up...
But I had to be out of town for a week and now he is out of town for a week...
I tend to not do well when there is gaps of interaction... even if it is for a day.
I need to know they are interested. (which is why it is hard that I don't like The Fireman enough because he did that for me.)

I wish dating was easy.
I wish I had more answers than I do.
I have to honestly say that I have almost been too busy to date.
Almost.

Making the best of it

2011-07-02T22:21:00.004-05:00

So... after last night's pity party, I had crazy dreams of riding in vehicles with people I didn't know and losing my children.

According to the dream dictionary, it meant:
To dream that someone else is lost, represents that you may have lost something within your own self. Perhaps you need to recapture and re-acknowledge those aspects.

Weird how our psyche interprets things for us... knowing that I felt like I was losing myself to my first unplanned summer day without adults.

So, I decided I was going to make the best of my day with my boys.

We had races through the sprinkler.

..and moral support when the wiffle ball went into the weeds.

We went and registered me for my next 5k.

And we headed to my friend, Angela's for a birthday party.

Overall, it was a good day.
I got a small dose of adult conversation.
...cause you know, stopping cold turkey is never fun ;)

Losing my footing

2011-07-01T23:17:00.003-05:00

You know how when you are on a mountain peak and you start to head down... you plan to slowly walk down it, taking your time, but sometimes you stumble and that slow journey becomes a fast messy tumble.

Yeah... that is how I am feeling tonight.

I have spent the entire week with adults having a great time.
Not one second was I alone.

I had forgotten how much I need that.

Summer "officially" started for me today.
I had nothing planned.
I slept most of the day.
I looked ahead to the long weekend and became even more depressed.

You see... I have always known that I crave human interaction, but I never knew it was such a requirement for my daily repertoire.

I even started thinking that maybe I should go start a summer job.
How silly is that?
To go get a job and work the one month I have off just to have adult human interaction.

I know my friends will all be back after this weekend and things will feel semi-normal.
But I just wish I didn't have to tumble before I get my footing back.

Get 'cha a 'Slice of Dawn'

2011-06-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

hey all!
Did you miss me?
I wish I could post pictures of me sunbathing on some secluded beach somewhere.

Instead, I was stuck in Arkansas at a literacy conference. (I know. A teacher's job is never done.)

Don't feel bad for me though...
If you don't know by now...You should know I have a good time wherever I go.
My friends have decided to start calling this "Gettin' a Slice of Dawn"
That's great, right?

I had a wonderful time getting to know LOTS of new friends... and giving away a few slices ;)

In my mind, I'm on the Rivera ;)

I can now die a happy woman - Day 3 Show Me Music and Arts Fest

2011-06-23T23:42:00.001-05:00

Let me just start out by saying that I am normally NOT a lucky person.
Sure... I've got a great family and great friends... a roof over my head... food to eat... yada yada
But when it comes to "Luck" as in winning things, yeah... I lose every time.

So when I hear my local music station say they were going to give away backstage passes to see OneRepublic (my FAVORITE band)... I was like, "What do I have to do???"

Design a t-shirt.

For those of you that don't know it... I'm creative.
Rarely do I get to access that creativity though.

I completely felt up for the challenge!!
So Friday at summer school is "Fun Day" and we spend about an hour in the computer lab.
While the kids were playing games, I made my shirt design.

Here was my final product:

I didn't know what my chances were...
I mean there were thousands of people there... any of them could have already won my chance and I wouldn't even know it.

I didn't even get all the way up to the radio station's booth when I hear, "Cool Shirt!" and Robo (the radio station DJ), pulls out the backstage passes!!
I'm pretty sure I started hyperventilating.
"Is this your guest?" he asks pointing towards Rachel.
"YES!" she screams before the question even fully registers with my brain.

I'm pretty sure I summoned up some psycho cheerleading spirit because I know I had crazy spirit fingers going and I was kangaroo hopping all over the place. Yeah... I'm still without a full voice, so even though I was screaming no one heard it. (except for maybe a stray dog wandering by. lol)

Robo(radio DJ), Me, Rach, & Simon(another DJ)

He then said, "Be back here at 5:45."
"No Problem!!!"

We ~~walked~~ floated away from the radio booth.
I occasionally let out a shriek and clapped my hands.
It seemed like a crazy dream.
I really couldn't believe I was going to get to go backstage!!!!

Trust me... there was nothing that could have removed the smile plastered on my face!

We wandered around aimlessly for a bit... mainly because I was in such a daze.
Then we decided, to take FULL advantage of our awesome seats that we lucked into again!!

We watched:
Kelly Pickler

Joe Nichols

Little Big Town

About that time, we decided that if we were gonna eat before going backstage, we probably should.
Where did we eat you might ask??
DUH!!!

Seriously... If you didn't know, you haven't been following the last couple of posts!!

Finally, it was time to head backstage.
Honestly, we did a whole lot of waiting.
When we were finally let in, we were told that we couldn't take pictures with our own cameras.
(Insert BIG frowning face here)
They did, however, have their photographer there and told us they would send us the pics in about a week. ( I will post them when I get them)

Since they wouldn't let us get pics, I did the only other thing I know a groupie should do... I asked the manager if I could get their autographs.
She asked if I had a pen.
I did not.
(Insert ANOTHER big frowning face)

Then the guy behind me said, "I have one, BUT I want it back before I get to them."
"Sure!!! Thanks SOOOOOOOO much!!!!" I said beaming.

I told the band how I was their BIGGEST fan!
How THIS was a dream come true for me!!!
We took the pic and EACH member signed my shirt.

Rach got a signature from Ryan Tedder.
The guy behind us got one Ryan's signature as well.
Then the manager said, "No more signatures! Were running short on time!"

OMG!! I seriously couldn't believe that, not only did I get to go backstage and meet them, BUT I got one of ONLY 3 signatures!!!
Yeah... THIS is what dreams are made of.

They made us sneak out as quietly as we had gone in.
It was now showtime!!!
I introduce to you .....OneRepublic (Cheers! Screams! The Crowd goes wild!!)

It really took all of me to focus.
I was still in my fairy tale dreamland world.
But Ryan Tedder drew me back to reality...

He really has wonderful stage presence about him.

I mean... seriously!! The man is playing the keyboard without looking!!

Needless to say, I didn't want their portion of the show to end.

Next up was Tim McGraw... and even though he wasn't OneRepublic...

He wasn't bad to look at either...

I mean... check out that smile...

So there you have it... How to spend $99 and have the best weekend of your life!!

Should I recap it??
Yeah... I think I should!!
-Spend $99
-Get "recognized"
-Get free drinks
-Get 2 free t-shirts (yeah 2, One from Train and I caught one that was thrown from the stage.)
-Get pulled onstage.
-Get backstage passes to FAV band

Yep... I think I spent my money well on that one!!